My spiritual experience at the octopus tank.

First, I'll tell you that I looooove underwater because it is so amazingly graceful and mysterious and weird and scary and alien. Now I'll just relay the story. Sarah and I went there for a vacation, and went through the aquarium in about 2 hours. I wanted to stop and gawk a bunch more, but didn't want to try Sarah's patience (she likes it lots too, and I don't want to be a bother.) Anyway, then she went to the bookstore next door and I went back through the aquarium. This time, when I got to the octopus tank--which is about 5'x8' wide or a little bigger--I got the chance to just stop and watch for about 20 minutes. In the tank, they just have one giant octopus, that's it. And everyone else just was just sort of giving it a cursory glance and then moving on because it wasn't really doing anything, which was fine by me because I got to stand as close as I wanted. And then it slowly moved from one corner of the tank all the way to the other. It was incredible. I guess the reason why it's "spiritual" for me is because when I see nature, and particularly sea life or cats or small animals, I always think about how awesome God's creativity is. He spends so much time on the details, you know? And I recognize that for some people, maybe many, when they see sea life they think of evolution and science and the randomness of things. And I'm not going to say how God creates things because He's God and does whatever He likes, but when I saw that octopus, I could feel the amazing intentionality of its being. I could see its delicacy and its power and its finesse. It was enough to make my eyes well up. In my head sometimes I imagine God saying something like, "I know most people will not value you or give you more than a passing glance. Some will only think of what they can get from you or how you can benefit them. Some will abuse you for their own amusement, or carelessly destroy your home or food for their own profit. In fact, most won't even see you because of where you'll live. But despite all this, I am going to put my full creative power to bear in your being. You won't be the highest form of life on the planet, but you will be as you should be, down to the very last detail. You will be as perfect an octopus as you can be on this present earth. And through your beauty, I will demonstrate my own beauty. Even if no one were to ever recognize it, you are my precious creation, and you are worth the time and effort. I enjoy you."

My ability to tolerate this place is reaching critical mass. Every time my boss talks, I lose more and more will to keep a positive attitude or do good work. I do not want to lose, I don't want to sin. I feel so torn because I want to hate this place, I want to flee...but I am wondering where is my fruit? I am a child of the God of the living, and my will and joy here is dying. I don't want redemption for this place, I want destruction. I want to call people idiots, and to feel like I am superior to them. But I'm not any better, just more competent. And even then, not much more so at all... I am tired and sad and hurting. What is the "right" thing to do?

Time continues to pass.

pretend there's something more relevant here

I haven't posted recently because I have been stressed about my job and employment and haven't had the energy to post much. My brother got married two weekends ago out of state, and that was a very nice break from this place. Also gave my eyelid a chance to recover from the allergy/rash/swelling it had developed. (I think the stress of this place lowered my immune system--I don't usually have allergies.)

I've had things I've wanted to post here, some thought-provoking, some just general life stuff. Just haven't been able to get it together. I'm trying to get on that, but things at work are "busy" right now and I feel distracted by that. It's the end of the school year and many of our grants are in shambles, so there's lots of scurrying to smash in programs where they otherwise shouldn't go in an attempt to spend the rest of the money before we lose it.

I am choosing to spell this problem: M-I-S-M-A-N-A-G-E-M-E-N-T. And it makes me frustrated and sad because it cheapens my work and the work this agency could be doing.

PS: tea and fresh strawberries are a good snack. Also, here's another little reminder not to take what we see at face value.

Happy Anniversary!

Joy of joys! Occasion of occasions! Frolic and jump with glee, as happiness and jubilance abound prolifically! For behold, today is my official 2-year anniversary of working at my current job (not, of course, including the two months prior which were not considered "official" because I was with a temp agency)! My reward, you ask? A $0.306 per hour raise! And a fresh 2 weeks of vacation! And the opportunity to collect my vacation as pay if I quit before I've used it all! Which has recently become a goal of mine!

All the kids are talking about Critters!

Sarah posted a ba-rand new Critters site, and it is incredible! So, go read a bunch of cartoons, then send the link to everyone you possibly think might find it enjoyable, and also link to it on your weblog. :) Coz this is going to be huge, and you want to be a part of it. (Seriously, help the word get out!)

There is a substantial archive posted already, and I'm told the artist has committed to regular weekly postings as well.

Limited Cafe-Press merchandise is available on the site too, but we're looking for other (more profitable) merchandise options. If you have ideas, feel free to email Sarah or me.

I wish I got paid to make Flash humor

But since I don't, I'll simply tell you that you should watch this, because it is funny and true.

In fact, while you're there, click on the "Originals" tab and watch several of them. Nuckin' Futs! is also pretty dang hilarious, and there's a Weird Al vid in there too even. Gold mine!

This one is especially for Paul. Not Flash, but great stuff.

An acceptable behavior to be encouraged

I think parents should call their children the "fruit of my loins." Particularly as they enter adolescence, and particularly when speaking directly to the fruit of their loins. We are all the fruit of someone's loins (two people's loins, in fact), and I don't think this is something that is shameful. Loins bear fruit. Loin fruit. And you are a fruit of loins. Let's just get more comfortable with our identities as fruit of loins.

My response to the infidelity article

So, here's my spin. I was waiting for comments so folks wouldn't comment on my comments without reading the article first.

First. Screw Christianity just for a minute (metaphorically, of course). It has a strong cultural influence, sure, even on non-Christians, but in this context I'll call it irrelevant to the larger issue: people of every theological stripe and color still have some percentage of infidelity, and so will be counted as "fellow humans" in this discussion. :)

Second. I found it odd that the tone of the article (and maybe of the human psyche) seemed to be, "Infidelity is probably wrong, but I wish it wasn't, or at least I wish I didn't feel bad about it." Anyone else pick up on that?

Third. There is some irony in the claim that lofty marriage standards are a cause of infidelity--("In the ideal American marriage today, we are told to look to one person for everything—sexual, spiritual, financial, intellectual, emotional—we need.")--when the opposite could also be argued. A broken sense of self-worth could just as easily lead someone to a false expectation of what marriage should be. Broken people are broken people. Neither depending on one person for fulfillment nor spreading that expectation around will make a person whole if they aren't.

Fourth. This numbering system is stupid. Let's continue without it.

Which leads me to this: screwing around because you get off on the chase of the "prey" and/or the high of being wanted and desirable. Maybe reliving the burning, flirtatious excitement of the early times of a now tired relationship. Check this out:

Cheating broke up one of her longest and most important relationships, but the power of taking something that doesn't belong to her still enthralls. "Both people feel that, and they're desperate and animalistic and somehow strangely honest," she says. Lily compares infidelity to drugs, where there's a thrilling ride but an emptiness at the end. "If you win that man you're cheating with, and you both make each other the primary person, you've lost the sense of danger, you've lost everything that fueled the experience."

It's my opinion that this is really what drives us to cheat, no matter what else we believe about the institution of fidelity, in or out of marriage. Just because some people can do it seemingly without feeling guilty doesn't mean they're doing it for some right reason. They're still doing it to get a sense of self-fulfillment (even if it's just instant-gratification pleasure). Maybe they wouldn't count themselves among the "broken" sort of cheaters, but there's certainly still evidence they know it's wrong.

As Tariq said to me: "No one is caught if he doesn't want to be caught." Henri (the French guy who showed his wedding ring before cheating) will know that what he did wasn't entirely right, but he won't thrash his soul, believing that what he did was entirely wrong.

Break that down into a philosophical argument about moral reasoning, and it could be argued that these guys don't have an issue with it because they are actively hiding their behavior from the people that will be affected by the behavior and offer them "negative feedback". This line of moral reasoning is similar to anti-social reasoning: the morality of the behavior is only relevant if I get caught. I'm suggesting that this rationale for cheating smacks more of stage 2 than the stage 5 we might otherwise want to put it in. Cheating becomes instant gratification of my current want, without regard for the other people my behavior might affect.

Toooooooo concluuuuuuude. We cheat because we are broken. Even if we think we're fixed (maybe because we're married, or Christian, or a married Christian married to a Christian), we're broken if we're seeking fulfillment or completion from other people, particularly if we are not able to be honest and open about our needs and wants and behaviors with the ones we claim to love.

Internet Spaceships

Well, if you're too busy for real conversation then I'll give you more fluffy nerdness that will seem silly and irrelevant to you. [Evidently alienation is the consequence of not participating. Somehow I doubt that will be motivational.]

A small band of pirates officially declared war on my small corporation in Eve Online yesterday. This means that they now have the right to attack members of the League of the Tiger and Tentacle (my corp), even in Empire space. (Normally, Empire space is "safe" and the in-game police would destroy them for shooting at us.) I don't know why they chose us really, as we aren't movers and shakers. Maybe they thought we'd make easy targets. But, they also bit off a good deal more than they will be able to swallow if they actually want to fight, as we have several adequately-skilled players and a small host of allies willing to fight for us. Horse Killers, as the pirate corp is called, has a week to take advantage of their official war declaration before it runs out and they'll have to pay to renew it again. I'm planning on ignoring them for the time being to assess their actual threat level. My suspicion is that they are like bratty toddlers looking for attention, and that if we ignore them they'll get bored and go away.

And if not, then the League will get out the wooden spoon and it will be spanking time. >:)

An article about infidelity in the US and Europe

Read this article about infidelity (which is a bit long for the internet). It'll take maybe 5-10 minutes. Then post your response here in the comments section. Try not to comment on the author or on the quality of the article itself, but on the broader topic and what thoughts or feelings it stirs in you. You can post anonymously if you want.

Today's Lunch Menu

From Thai Kitchen brand:

One package of rice noodles
One small packet of peanut oil
One packet of seasonings

From the office water cooler/heater:

Hot water
One small spider


It fell out of the cooler and I watched it die. In my food. It was relatively quick, but it certainly looked painful, perhaps for both of us. I plucked it from my meal and ate the rest. But only after finding a leg left on the side of the plastic dish after bite number two.

Today's Lunch Menu

Courtesy of O'Betty's Red Hot!:

One "Tempest" dog with all the good stuff that burns just right
One order of fresh-cut, skin-on fries with malt vinegar and catsup
One Frosty Top brand Vanilla Caramel Creme Soda

Michael McKean

Stop wastin' my time
You know what I want!
Or maybe you don't
Do I have to come right out and say it?
Give me some mo-ney!
Give me some mo-ney!

Laying it out there.

These are things that I feel like just need to be said. And I wish that other people could accept them.

I have a gruff, forward disposition that can comes across as mean. I rarely think of it as being mean when I say whatever I'm saying. Something happens in the transition from thought to communication that junks it up. While I would love for my communication habits and thought patterns in this area to change radically, admittedly this is highly unlikely. It would take too much effort, patience, and consistent feedback--three things in short supply at the moment.

I love my wife all the time, even when I am seemingly mean to her. Even when we have fights and disagreements and are actively not liking each other. Even when I push her away, I usually want her close. But for reasons I have an incredibly difficult time controlling, I play "hard to get".

I want to be wanted, but I often unintentionally make people "prove" it by working for it (see above). There is so much packed into this thought, and I can't say any more right now.

No gnus like good gnus

I don't have anything to say, really. Just wanted to let you know that there is still blood pumping through my arteries. So I guess that qualifies me as being alive. :)

This weekend was a bit of a roller coaster. Nothing happened on Friday, so I played computer games most of the night. This was fine and fun, since I didn't get to play much at all the week prior. I woke up at noon on Saturday, a sign of sleep deprivation from earlier in the week. That's becoming the norm, which is also fine. In some strange way it helps me feel alive, I think because I'm not on a regular schedule. Saturday night Sarah and I went to go see The Jarts. They are an exceedingly talented band, and I hope they continue to make music as well crafted as what they've already got. Their current rough recordings on MySpace really don't do them justice at all.

I don't go to many music shows anymore, although it isn't really on purpose. I like going, but I also really don't like going to music shows. They make me feel horribly self-conscious, inadequate, and jealous. I think about what people think about me sitting there, I compare myself to the musicians playing (I'm usually either better than them or will never be), and I wish I was someone more motivated to pursue things and finish them. It doesn't matter that these things don't make sense or are untrue or are irrelevant. It's just where I live while I'm there. The good part of me going to shows is that in most cases I walk away with a renewed sense of "I could do that" or at least "I want to do that," and usually one new batch of lyrics, good or bad.

I do really like to go see music though, because if it's good, it takes me somewhere else. To that place where I wish I could live all the time, where things are important and meaningful and honest. Transcendent is a good word for it. In some stupid way it feels like a more accurate representation of life itself, every moment pulsing, distilled from what we're normally caked with.

In other news, I am feeling angry and alone, and had weird, restless sci-fi dreams last night. And the response I can normally expect from the people I wish would help me is a pitiless, "Get over yourself. Deal with your own problems." And this makes me feel more angry and alone.

I wish Liz was in Athens for a bit, or Jessi M formerly D. Those two in particular are excellent for beers and bitching. In a healthy sort of way.

Also, I find myself liking Freezepop, the result of playing Guitar Hero 2.

a free write that will eventually be more structured and to which a friend commented "that accurately represents thoughts i have while sitting here"

Partition. Faceless voice. Black screen. No windows. no sunlight, fresh air, contact, direction. acoustic absorbency. drop ceiling yellowed except for the new ones with rain stains. abandoned recycling pile. paper. service activity log. receipts. sign out. initiative. responsibility. sign in. weekly schedule. program schedule. reporting schedule. on hold. occurrence. staff meeting. buzzing lights. squeaking fan belts. phone calls. 15 minute break. busy work. productivity. billable hours. turnover. mandatory. training. so quiet. so loud. if passion, compassion, heart, wisdom, hope, camaraderie, morale, vision, respect, creativity were veins we'd be cutting ourselves. we'd be cutters. attendance sheets. recruitment. confidentiality. pressboard furniture. keys. backup of backup copy. fiscal. bad coffee. beige & gray. beige & gray. beige & gray. maintenance. intercom. insects.

Fear of the Future

So, I feel like I am freaking out at work today. With two very good friends gone or on their way out, I'm having a hard time coping. I have a new program to try to recruit for today, which also makes me very uneasy. It's a program that has no vision or direction, yet I am expected to pull it together into something marketable for next year's grants. And all the work my coworkers had been doing is being redistributed to the rest of us, and all of it is the "undesirable" work no one gets excited about doing. Top this all off with a failure to adequately pay all the bills last night. I'm floating, but I am not swimming.

Is it bad that I heard Cingular is hiring cell phone sales clerks...and it sounded like a good career move? ("Hey, I would get a free cell phone! I don't even have a cell phone!")

Today I helped another friend write a letter of resignation [which I have edited for your viewing]

[Practitioners of Fellatio]--

I quit. I'm tired of getting my [testacles] chewed for petty [feces] by a moody, mean person. I shouldn't have to deal with this, and I'm not going to. This job was exceedingly boring and trite anyway, and I just can't find it in my heart to get my productivity up to 50% when there's only 10% of work to be done period. I'd ask for several days of my life back, but why bother. My last day will be Friday, March 9, 2007. I already cleaned the cars this week.

It's not the apples that are bad, it's the barrel you're putting them in,

A. Schlagashitz

anger, frustration

Today my good friend at work was pressured into quitting by our emotionally unbalanced, unprofessional, out-of-touch and under-qualified supervisor. Then my friend was made to leave immediately, instead of abiding by the 2 week notice.

I am crushed and outraged. I do not know what to do.

The wheels are in motion. I will do something. She has hurt too many people as a result of her ignorance.

Someone help me find a job. It needs to pay at least $20k with benefits or $24k without.

a grief observed

This was a small but touching moment that I experienced yesterday. I wanted to soak it in, but really didn't get the opportunity. So I'll just share it with you and you can make fun of me.

As I was driving to church in the morning, I got off the highway and noticed a bright red fluff laying on the side of the off ramp. It was a dramatic, if small, brilliance against the whiteness of the fresh snow. Apparently, a male cardinal had been hit by a car and died there. I thought is was strange because you generally don't see too many small birds getting hit by cars. Crows and buzzards maybe, but not cardinals.

Later that day I was headed back into town via the same route to attend a Super Bowl party at a friend's house. I came down the ramp looking for the cardinal's body. It had snowed a little more since the morning. Instead of seeing the bright red feathers, I saw the drab grey and red of a female cardinal, hovering on the ground near the spot where her mate had been laying. She was clearly agitated and cold. If you've ever just sort of had one of "those moments", this was one for me. I recognized that they were just simple birds, but I wanted to stop and observe, to participate in what the female cardinal was experiencing. Can you comfort or empathize with a bird? Being in a car and moving, I didn't really get the chance anyway because I was expected somewhere else, and it was cold outside anyway.

On a related and more human note, my boss' brother died late last week. My boss got the news while we were in a staff meeting here, so many of us witnessed his initial grief. He was back at work today and I wanted to comfort him in some way, but I don't know any way that is meaningful or that conveys my true caring. We just don't have that close of a relationship, and he is getting that kind of support from other friends and family more "appropriate" to the task. So that leaves me with this awkward sense of something unfulfilled. Maybe I'll just write him a note.

Now I Will Make Fun of Paul

You see, I have this friend, Paul, and he claims to be a veeeeery busy man. He works all the time and doesn't have much time to hang out with people outside of his work time, he says. Yet I have noticed a certain trend of late, one that I will now reveal to the world. Or maybe just to you reading this. It is a simple observation, yet I do believe it will leave you stunned and amazed. And forever change your viewing of weblogs. And you will, perhaps, join me in this harassment.

For being such a very busy man, you see, Paul seems to have plenty of time to post comments on the blogs of others. Not only does he find ample to time to post comments, he is very often the very first person to post a comment. Pulling a quick and non-exhaustive survey from a few of the blogs linked at the right, let's call these Exhibits A through F. Please check the comments sections of the following blog entries, noting the reoccurring first-poster:

A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.

I will now leave you to continue this research by your own observation, being advised that upon having his behavior publicly displayed, he might retreat from the behavior for a time. Or perhaps not.

Also, please be advised that the reason I choose to harass is because I like Paul alot (as one word) and want to hang out with him outside of work, but he is busy. So I make fun of him.

CPR training

Yesterday I was in a CPR training all morning, following along with Connie and Ryan on the video as they demonstrated how to perform rescue breaths on children. I've had all this before, so it was mostly just par for the course. There was one thing, however, that really surprised me. You're all familiar, I assume, with the classic, internationally recognized sign for choking: putting both hands around your throat as if you were actually choking yourself. I learned something quite surprising in yesterday's training. I guess there's a new international sign for choking. I don't know what was wrong with the old one or whatever, but here's what the new internationally-recognized sign for choking looks like:












Ha ha. Sports humor.

Proof of God: catchy subtitle about people being silly goes here

I find these days that when I'm looking for an emotional confirmation that God exists--you know, that warm or overwhelming feeling--I usually turn to nature and just absorb its beautiful complexity and simpleness. But of course that's not a viable proof of God's existence because c'mon, that warm feeling in your bosom is what Mormons use as confirmation of their salvation, and I can get that warm feeling from seeing a kitten.

I like kittens.

So let's try this instead. Here we are, as humans, the top of the heap when it comes to intelligent animal life on this planet. (Now, I recognize that some people might want to debate this and talk about gorillas or dolphins or something. Those people are dumb.) We do stuff, lots of stuff, like build things and invent things and understand things. The list goes on. We almost have cool spaceships, for example. And other animals don't do nearly what we do. I mean, has a monkey ever invented a jet engine? No. And don't leave any comments about how funny it would be. Monkeys are overrated. Now, a shark in a race car? We're talking awesome.

Back to task. Humans. Lots of them. For a long time. And all of us, always, have had thoughts about our impending mortality. It's quite the defining moment of our lives. And some things are constant throughout the history of people: we kill each other, we love each other, we make things, we think things. And we have a very hard time accepting that we might be a cosmic accident or that our lives have no meaning. Although it takes many forms, we are really stuck on this idea of otherworld. Other than all the empires and killing and inventions and exploitation and cultural movements (the history-book history, if you will), we are really stuck on the idea that there is a High Power or whatever out there, even if in the end we choose as individuals not to believe in such things.

I guess the point I'm dancing around is that, for as advanced as we are as a people, why hasn't this simple affection for eternal matters been systematically bred out of us by evolution or intellectual/cultural development? For all our greatness, why do we still get stuck on the God issue? It doesn't matter that we don't agree on the interpretation of who/what this eternal nature of the universe is. Dogs don't have gods or religion. Giraffes either.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."


PS: I believe in Jesus and the God of the Hebrews (and in the bible alone) because of all the ways to interpret this sense of the eternal, I think He makes the best case. And because of that warm feeling in my bosom when I look at the mountains or kittens.

Noitul Over to Border

Today at work I had an actual, working, productive meeting in which I and my coworkers were heard by my bosses and we came to some nice conclusions about our current direction with one particularly lame program we keep trying to reinvent. Then, I spent the rest of the day eating my lunch, checking my email, and learning all about science and scientific things through the incredible BBC program Look Around You. British TV seems to often be better than American TV. Worst part? I can't get the DVDs because they don't make them in US DVD format. Confound it!

Also, at some point now that google owns blogger and youtube, I'm hoping they'll make the two compatible again so I can just post these things on my blog without having to link. Egads!

Time for danishes

They are having a meeting of community big-wigs in the next room, and I am waiting to pilfer their leftover danishes. As they as currently dismissing, I will now pause...

...for raspberry danish consumption. Cheap, but not horrible.

Ah, what to say in this delightfully public forum? Who knows. I am on the cusp of new things. I can feel the horizon nearing. I don't know how to be more clear exactly. I am awakening to my potential as a risk-taker, as an inspiration, as a creator, as a leader.

In the recent past I was worried about money a great deal. This was mainly because I had no other direction to take. Since I was in the doldrums, it made sense to focus on finances as a means to stability because there was no other meaning. While this is still the case, it is less important than it was. But what does all this mean? I hesitate to say, because I don't want to get pegged to anything. I'm not interested in making commitments or declarations about anything specific at this point because the wind is still blowing and I haven't yet gotten my bearings or heading. I am built to be an influencer and creator, and for the longest time I was afraid to explore these things. I am still afraid, but no longer willing to tolerate the paralysis. Don't expect big things. In fact, expect nothing, because that is what I expect. Significance and meaning can be assigned after the fact, and serves little purpose in the present. And besides, if all this collapses then I don't need the added stress of failed expectation. Expectation has been my enemy for so long, perhaps even what has kept me from acting at all.

Perfectionism, you bastard!

League of the Tiger and Tentacle

That's the name of my make-believe corporation. It makes make-believe money, which I use to buy make-believe space ships, which in turn get blown up by make-believe space pirates. Pie Rates.

Here's something very strange. The League of the Tiger and Tentacle (a.k.a, the League, LTT) is becoming exceedingly multinational. Last night, we got a new member - a Russian guy living in Moscow. He owns a paintball field, but the Russian winter has closed it for the time being. My three Australian corpmates (as they are commonly called) live in South Central Australia, more commonly known as the outback. This is the outback a la Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee, not Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. It seems very bleak where they live. And they don't have crocodiles or koalas where they live, or even Foster's beer. Which is apparently a bad Australian beer, perhaps comparable to bad American Budweiser. And it's always 13.5 hours ahead of here there, which usually means it's tomorrow for them. And I know very little about my English corpmate because he's the hardest one to meet online, although he is smart and nice. Timezones can be a real pain when you're trying to catch people online in a game.


There are over 30,000 people that play this game at the same time. How is it that I seem to find all the people from other countries, when at least 1/3 (most likely closer to 1/2 to 2/3) of the people playing are Americans? I really don't mind, in fact I enjoy it greatly. Makes for lively and interesting conversations. (Particularly since the Russian is not a native English speaker.) Makes me laugh a little. I try to sucker more of my local friends into playing the game all the time, but instead I make friends in other countries. Also makes me stay up significantly later than most people would consider reasonable, particularly for work nights.

See you in space.

cat pee

So, Ellen was over this weekend, and she brought her dogs. Evidently this was too much for Atticus to handle, and he hid in our bedroom much of the time. And peed on my clean laundry at some point. Now, I should know to put away my clean laundry rather than leave it in the basket, but I hate folding laundry and I'm just going to wear those clothes again anyway. I suspect that his peeing was actually a stress/retaliation peeing, but who can say. This is the main trouble with having skittish cats, particularly quasi-ferals. Dagnabbit.

What else to say? I've been discouraging my fellow employees with the information I recieved at the conference. I also noticed that my agency should have been represented in the survey, or at least they would have been sent one. Which begs the questions: Did anyone fill out the survey? and Was that person deliberately sketchy in reporting or just quite significantly out of touch with the day to day of this place? Either option is feasible here. Sigh.

In other news, EVE is going well. My corporation (and Kevin's) is developing, and I now have four corp members in other countries: 3 in South Australia and 1 in England. And they are all nice people that I would allow to stay at my house if they came to visit. And also, the kitchen floor is very near to completion. I just need to install the threshold transitions, which requires some cutting and finagling of some carpet pieces...and of a door. But the kitchen looks much improved, thanks to the initiative of my wife.

This is a title

I hate my job. It is loathsome and disdainful to me. So desperately do I want to quit, particularly on days like today, when I had a failed early morning program (2 attendees) and then I get to sit here all ever-lovin' day until I do a late night program too. The only good news is that I don't have to be here until 1pm tomorrow. I want to bitch about how much it sucks, but I really just want to scream, and probably cry, except that I'm male, so emotion rarely comes out as crying. Anger and frustration. Anger that this job is so unsupportive and misguided. Frustration that I see no clearer future ahead of me. Both that I make so little money and feel devalued.

We get paid $4000 less than the lowest amount made by other people doing this job in Ohio. I learned that at a conference. And, administrators try to hide that from us by leaving out (or whiting out, in days past) how much money we are supposed to be paid according to the grants we work under. They only give us the grant info that has the outcome numbers in it, none of the budget stuff. So I should say something, right? Maybe if they actually cared or would listen. And people have been doing do for years anyway, from what I hear. And all it gets them is on the Black List.

I hope Aaron is enjoying his day off today.

I have a headache, and I want to go to sleep. I was tempted to lie and call in sick today. And I was tempted to just quit today without notice. But O yeah, I don't have the money to buy groceries until Friday, so I probably shouldn't quit.

My titles are purple

I am a jerk, I think, though unintentionally and somewhat unapologetically so. I am sometimes arrogant, or is it confident? They blend too easily. The purpose of this post is to start thinking and unwinding why it is that I am not a gentle person. I desire to be a gentle person. You don't hear many people talking about gentleness, but it's one of the vaunted Fruits O' the Spirit, and that's not even close to the only time gentleness is advised, recommended, or suggested in ye olde Bible. It's kind of like how we never talk about gossip and greed often being listed among the naughty sexy sins we'd rather talk about, like adultery and homosexuality and drunkenness. Gossip? Yep.

Read that last chapter of Galatians to see what I mean. You'll see gentleness tucked right in there with love, joy, peace and the other quintessential Christian traits. And I think I used to be gentle, at some point. Or was that naivity? It's too hard to separate. What I know is that over time I have become more confident in what I know and understand about the world and about myself, and less tolerant of "falsehood," be it in culture or another person.

Anyway, I want to know more about gentleness, and I want to stop blaming my culture for who and what I am. But I most likely won't. I want God to change me so I can't take credit for doing it myself. Because I will take credit for doing it myself, and that will probably mean that I haven't actually achieved the goal of change. It'll be some reasonably mistakable facsimile of change instead.

And here's another separate issue: Just when I get content that God is distant and does not control every aspect of earthly life, then someone starts talking about how personal God is and how He lives with us and is active among us. And then I get bitter again and have to start all over because I want to believe those things, but I have not found them to be true or satisfying.

i hate titles

I disapprove of my job, but I find myself now in a dilemma. Do I sit here and protest either passively or actively, or do I play the good employee and toe the party line? The agency that I work for is hung up on money, and most of our administrators have forgotten, seemingly, what it is to be broken. This is my assessment, and it is not a fair one. Anyway, I'm torn. I want to do a good job here and be liked, but I'm not inclined to buy anyone's rhetoric either. I don't know how to be the good guy.

In this slippery place, I feel I'm losing my footing. Not knowing which direction to pursue, I am headed toward a least common denominator - my attitude and quality of work are slipping. Well, not the quality of the services that I provide, but my dedication to doing the paperwork and reporting (now in triplicate in some cases) is crumbling. I fear that if I don't get out of here soon, I'll leave knowing in my own head that I did good and quality work, but I might not have the good reference to back it up. This is the sort of agency that prizes the facade of paperwork and vague reports over the sterner measure of whether the work actually had an impact. As long as we look good to the funders.

I am frustrated. I've also spent 11 of my last 16 hours of work sitting at my desk doing nothing. Well, not doing nothing. You Tube has vastly improved in content since my last perusal. I was today able to watch several episodes of "Look Around You" and several Monty Python's Flying Circus sketches, including the Cheese Shop and How Not to be Seen. You must watch these videos. I assign this task to you as a comedic mandate. By reading these words, you have accepted the charge.

The end is nigh?

I've entirely lost focus for this weblog. I don't feel the impulse to maintain it that I used to, and I have a really hard time coming up with regular content. ('When did you feel this impulse?' you ask? A long time ago.) I just don't know what to write about here. So, now it's tour turn. Post some comments and tell me what sorts of things you want this weblog to be about. Do it now or else.

put your own title here

All I think about these days in life-direction related stuff. Related to careers and the balance between making money and doing something that genuinely matters and is important.

And I haven't felt any desire whatsoever to publicly broadcast it here.

Which is odd because I do very much want to talk with you about all this stuff and to have your feedback, ("you" being the people who know and care about me and still actually read this occasionally) but this is not the venue for such things. Call or email me and we'll go out for tea.

Tea is delicious.

If I'm not thinking about life-related stuff or tea (I will brew another cup after finishing here), I am thinking about or playing Eve Online. I wish I had more friends interested in playing Eve Online.

I am working on a song for Bananarchy that is called "Banana Republicans." But it was nowhere near ready for the show this past Thursday. Also, my apologies to anyone who took my display of the double deuce personally. That was a special moment to be shared with the video camera, but I don't think it made it onto the tape. We'll be reviewing the footage this very evening.

O where, O where has the Patrick gone?

I don't know. That's the answer. This post is really just to keep you hanging on. I don't think it's working.

For good times, visit Sarah's blog. She updates more regularly. Or read the Order of the Stick, as linked to the right. It's a funny web comic.

I plan to sometime soon update this thing with something of meaning. I don't know what that means.

The other commercial

This is the commercial with the exploding paint I was talking about. It's nifty, and better if you check out some of the behind the scenes they offer on the site. The paint commercial uses CG to remove bomb housings and cranes and the like. The ball commercial that I recommended in the last post does not, however, use CG.

That's one of the things I liked so much about it. And the song is good too. I recommend checking out some of the behind the scenes from the ball ad. Looks like it would have been a fun shoot. Cheers.

Something beautiful

You should go here and watch this. My advice is to watch the longer version of the high res option. Sometimes, even in the midst of marketing and merchandising, beautiful things happen. There's something about this that really strikes me. The simplicity and non-aggressiveness of it, I think. I'd like to make this sort of art. Regardless, it obviously has me spinning sentimental, so do us both a favor and watch it. There's another commercial that is equally cool involving exploding paint, but more overtly happy. Maybe I'll put that up later. Or you can find it yourself. Cheers.

Reluctant blogging

There really are only a few things I've been thinking about recently, which is why I haven't been posting much here.

The biggest thing on my plate is the whole how-do-I-make-more-money issue. (This is sometimes exchanged for complaining about my current job.) In this sense, I think Athens is a detriment to my thinking because the occupational experiences afforded here are severely limited. My tendency is to think that because Athens doesn't have anything better to offer, neither does the rest of the country. Nothing happens here, so why would it happen anywhere else? Without a reason to move somewhere else, I sit here. Maybe it all boils down to a fear of taking the chance that would be required of me. Don't fret over me, I'm working up to it. Whatever it is. Feel free to offer advice in any form on this topic.

I have been playing Eve Online and loving it. It's a massively multiplayer online game set in space, and you can do a great many things in the universe. You fly around in ships with other people or alone. If anyone is interested in more info, let me know. I can send you a free 14-day trial. The learning curve can feel steep, but I'll be there to walk you through the process. :)

There are other, smaller things. My creativity is hovering beneath the surface again. I want to sculpt minis, work on the Squid Games games, and make music. But I haven't actually done any of those things yet. It requires too much work and I don't feel secure enough in my finances and free time to do them. (You might commonly refer to these as: excuses.)

Something for us all to enjoy

This man is a genius.

A mild exercise in self-discovery

So, a good and wise friend tells me this:

Maybe this is less about the work you do and more about you. My fear is that you would get a job as a physical therapist and say, "Wow, this is horrible" or a computer guy and say, "Wow, what meaning is this? I'm just typing in code all day." I say this with all respect... and I can offer no direct guidance from God about your call in life. Just make sure before you leave your current work you are not in a "where ever I go, there I am" mode.

I hear both of these responses, and actually this kind of thinking is what has been paralyzing me from taking any action at all. I am starting to recognize that I don't really think there's a way around it: where ever I go, there I am. I am me. And that's pretty good, but it's not the greatest, particularly when it comes to getting things done in my life. I would like to be different, but (barring help from God) I can't change these things permanently. Only short term.

But this isn't bad! I know this about myself: I am very good at living "in the moment." I am able to stay calm and collected in very stressful situations. I am reasonably wise, empathic, and compassionate. I like to (read: am compulsed to) help people find freedom from evil and sin. It's what I naturally desire to do no matter what context I'm in. So in this sense, "where ever I go" doesn't matter as much. That's my reasonable hope, anyway. In these current moments of indecision I want to focus on the "where I am" part of it.

For as much as I don't want this to be true (mainly for ideological reasons), I want to make good money and to be appreciated. I feel like in some way I shouldn't need those things, but I also don't want to have a joke of a job. I want my friends and coworkers to be rescued from this joke of a job. I want to liberate us from our inept, politically-but-not-professionally minded boss(es). And I don't want to run down my boss in the process, which is a delicious paradox. So, I want out. If I'm a PT or a programmer, I'll have a great 9-5ish job that will pay great, have job security, and have the freedom to help people both at work and in my spare time.

Why the conundrum? I don't really know. I think because I want to excel in whatever job I do, and I'm not convinced that I could do that as a programmer, and I'm not sure I have the right kind of smarts to get through PT school. (I've never had healthy study habits or academic discipline.) These are moot points--I have the confidence that I could learn either. Programming is more creative (potentially), but PT has more of a "people" aspect to it. These are both strong parts of my personality/gifting, in my humble opinion. ;) So my indecision lies here: What if I find myself getting tired of people not accepting or wanting change as a PT (which happened while I was working at Good Works) or I get stuck working on too many programming projects that aren't creative enough to be stimulating? There is a strong measure of maturity that I am expecting, planning, and looking forward to learning in this next phase of life. For those of you that know me well, what advice do you have for me, given all the stuff in this post?

"Where ever I go, there I am."

So now that I'm here I have nothing to say

Great. I was going to make a grand reappearance. So much for that idea.

Things in my life have stalled. I need to find a way to get them started again.

I need a new job. This one is uninspiring and poor paying. I also need to find a direction in life--something for my life to be about, other than the classic American Dream. If I was convinced of how I should be spending my days, I suspect I wouldn't worry about how much money I made doing it. My two current options are computer programming or physical therapy.

To all the cat haters:

We're coming for you.
Eat hot lead, bitches.

O Staff Meeting! Speak to us from thy plentiful drone!

This is what I did during staff meeting last week. It was dragging on and on--as all staff meetings do--and I had to keep busy somehow. If you can't read it, click on it and it'll get bigger. And to think, I wondered if I'd be able to finish all the sentences all the times...

What's your worst staff meeting experience? C'mon, for the good of the people. This is a universal experience.

I pinch

Watch the video on this site. Scroll down a little to find it. This is a good commercial.

Thoughts on the Holocaust

So, how's that for a downer of a title, eh? Yuppers.

I don't really know why I am so struck by the Holocaust. Specifically, I think, because I don't really see it impacting many other people the way it seems to impact me. It's not that it affects me as much as it doesn't seem to be affecting others. An event that happened well outside of my lifespan is shaping me. And I'm not German or Jewish. I'm Polish. Which I know is part of it, because I know that my mother's side came from a part of Poland that was very close to Germany, most likely annexed back into Germany during the war--land Germany had lost during the first world war. So I am connected to Poland, which is where some of the worst ghettos and most of the concentration camps were located.

The two most powerful influences on me have been the film The Pianist and more recently the graphic novel Maus. You owe it to yourself to experience both, regardless of your thoughts or feelings or impressions of the Holocaust or the war. They are incredible, sadly beautiful works of passionate realism and history, telling the real stories of four real people. The Pianist is less about the Holocaust and more about what life was like for Jews in Warsaw, Poland during the war. Maus is the story of an artist born after the war talking with his father, a Jew who survived Auschwitz. They bring pictures to life. They tell me that real people did these things and real people experienced them. I'm reminded that such evil has happened many times before this, and will certainly happen (is already happening?) again. I'm reminded of the potential for evil in the heart of all humanity. The power of fear. Our desperate need for love, forgiveness, and grace on an individual, personal level and on a social, cultural level. Thank you, Yeshua, Jesus, savior and deliverer. Help us not to do this to each other.

Where are my friends?

Where are the people that will help me to see who I am and who I am not? Where are the people with the courage to say these things, with the depth of friendship to survive them? Where are the voices telling me which way to go? Where are the teachers and mentors, encouraging, directing, and expanding my knowledge, skills, and understanding?

Do I chase them off? Am I too hard? Too overbearing? Too socially awkward? Not worthwhile enough? Uninteresting? Self-possessed? Elusive? Resistant?

How can I be responsible for my own change when so many forces have shaped me into who I currently am?

How many of these questions are fair?

cha cha cha

I am excited about the game development business. I have loads to do in prep for that happening, and I am slow to do it. I need to learn about business, but I am not a strong reader (it bores me to tears) of educational materials. I wasted hundreds of dollars on text books I never read. Never even opened 'em. Anyway, that seems to be the primary way to self-teach finance and business implementation. A shame, because it means I now have work to do. In fact, I even have an awesome text book about game design, and I'm having a hard time reading it. Or the bible? It's not a part of my habitual life.

How else have I been? I never seem to know how to phrase these answers. I am doing well. I am almost always doing well. But at the same time never doing well. It's in my nature to not be satisfied unless I'm high on endorphins. I like my life. I like to think about serious things. I want my life to have meaning. I guess these are the things most people want, but I feel them very keenly. These days are slipping us by, as you already know, and I want them to mean something. We only get so many days here on earth. I like that thought, but I also don't want to squander it. Life is too enjoyable/experiential/rich/beautiful for that. What is my story going to be, you know? I want it to be simple but inspiring. It doesn't have to be grand (anymore), but I would like it to be full of goodness. Mainly, I don't want to putter through my days anymore. But, it is what comes naturally to me--I am not gifted in broad planning, I am gifted in focusing intently. I feel sometimes (for as much as I do not wish this to be true) that I am a fine tool. I am capable of great works, but I need someone to pick me up and put me to use. To give me direction. I say that I don't want that to be true because I also have some leadership skills--not so much in task management as in people management. I'm interested now in developing these aspects of myself. Which is ironic, given what I just said about needing to be put to use.

Heat index of 105 degrees

I ate outside today for lunch.

My Oreos melted.

They melted.

I did not think that was even possible.

Still, the sunshine was enjoyable.

Games games games

My freetime has been consumed with Squid Games lately, so it seems. Well, more my thoughts than my time. I am very much beginning to see this as a viable outlet for creativity as well as a viable business option. (My definition of "viable business option" is that Squid Games will make a profit, even if it's only one dollar.) In short, this thing is doable. It will certainly take time, because time is money, and I don't have any money, so it will take time for the time to turn into money. For business plans and organization and lawyer's fees and company registration fees and start-up expenses. But all this is doable.

Coincidentally, I'm considering sticking a PayPal donation button on the Squid Games blog. Whether you'd give or not, do you think this is a good idea? Do you think I would actually fetch some donations this way? Is it too needy for a "business"?

Also, you should go to the Squid Games blog again if you haven't reently. I update it weekly, and there are good things on there. Might even get you interested in strategy games. Just might. Also, once you go there, tell me what you think or post a comment. We haven't received any comments at Squid Games yet.

In other game news, I finished the painting of the War of the Ring miniatures. Did you hear me? I finished them. They are finished. Five months later. They have been completed. I painted all of them. All 180 or whatever of them. If you don't understand, I will show you. I am going on vacation this week and next. Upon my return, I will photograph the miniatures. Then I will display those photographs here. You will witness the spectacle that has taken over 60 hours of squinting and cramped hands. They look incredible. You will see. You will see. You will not understand.

No News is Good News

Nothing happening, yet I feel the need to post.

I am almost finished with a gigantic project. A few more hours, and it will be completed. I will post pictures when it is finished. Painting miniatures. Over 150 of them.

The Squid Studios site has been updated a few times since its original announcement. Check it out over there to the right. Haven't had much time to work on the games lately because I want to finish these other large projects to free up my schedule and attention, and I think that should be happening in another week or two. For some reason, I've been avoiding the GCH recordings. They need about 10 more hours of work, and I'm putting them off. I always do that with my music related projects. It makes me feel crappy, because I wish I would just do the work. "I can' do the wuuk!" It shouldn't require so much bucking up. Yet it does.

I've been thinking about that lately. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be that bizarre twist in my work ethic. The thing that pauses all my best projects at 80%. Anything that is an expression of myself. I take it too personally? I am afraid of rejection. To separate myself from my work, let it stand alone. That is what I desire. But then I can't take credit for it. Then I shouldn't take credit for it. I should be content to be adequate, without feeling a need to justify. I will make improvements in this area.

I feel that the collapse of American culture is inevitable, largely because of the severe breakdown in family relations and the societal expectations (or lack thereof) of/on parents and youth. Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 50. The giant is sliding, and we won't stop. Your answer? What say ye to this?

These are my dogs

Aren't they great? This is Kessel's first time in a helmet, and she seems very pleased with herself. Mulder is always very serious when wearing a helmet.

Squid Studios Game Design

I'd like to invite and welcome you to check out my new and big project: Squid Studios Games.

I hope to take it as far as my talent (and the talent of a few talented friends) will take it. Squid Games isn't incorporated or anything (yet), but I am still excited about the potential of creating fun games and (way into the theoretical future) getting paid money for it. Actually, I'm just excited about making games period, even if my friends and I are the only ones to ever play them!

I am currently Project Designer for Squid Studios, but I have some smart and creative guys helping me out tremendously. Kevin Jacobson, Brad Metzler, and Ben Lachman are all on my informal development team, and I think Aaron Schlagbaum will end up helping with the visual design.

There's a little envelope icon at the bottom of the Squid Games site. You can use it (and please do) to point anyone at all that might be interested in what we're doing towards, well, towards what we're doing. The more momentumand support behind this, the more likely we'll finish the games and either sell them to a publisher or try to publish them ourselves. Both would be new and huge undertakings for me.

Games!

I want to know the funnest game(s) you've ever played. List as many non-video games as you can, if you're one of those types who mainly only play video games. "Games" is here defined as an organized system of fun. Objectives of some variety in the game are preferable but not required. See my Gameplay Resume (or Avant Game's) for examples of different games.

ps: "funnest" is, in fact, grammatically correct, if not culturally preferred. Besides, it's my blog and I do what I please here.

My problems with blogging

I stopped maintaining this blog awhile back, and now I've started again. I stopped for reasons, and I've started for reasons, but neither decision was concrete or formal. I've been thinking lately about why blogging is hard for me to do, why it's always an issue, why I only seem to post things that are light and fluffy or hard and serious. Or swear words.

There is a tension between me and blogging. I usually feel it and it usually bothers me, but only recently have I given much thought as to what or why. Like so many thing we do in our lives, it wasn't really a conscious thing before this restart. So, here we go. Let's try to organize these thoughts now, shall we? I wonder what we'll get.

One thing should be stated first. I am not much of a halfway person. I am either in or out, hot or cold, loving it or hating it. Whatever it is. I try very hard to be wise and balaced in this. Oddly, this is something I'm only now starting to recognize (although I can now see that many of you have known this for awhile--thanks for telling me, jerkfaces). This is so close to the center of me, I think I had a hard time seeing it. I don't know what makes me this way, and it isn't something that I have a great deal of control over, but I now see that I've been this way for a good long while. I see it as a strength, as it gives me a focused, if sometimes searing, critical eye. And, let's all say it together, strengths can be counted as firm weaknesses in many circumstances.

This plays out in a few ways. One, I say things very strongly and definitively, even though it's not nearly as solid in my own heart and mind. It's just the way I talk, even to myself. Regardless of how firmly I say, feel, or think something, my opinions do, in fact, change significantly upon receiving new or better information. I don't project that sensitivity in my speech. Two, I have a tendecy towards making judgements and proclamations. Good, bad, ugly--I have to claim them all. Three, I'm either satisfied with myself, or I'm not. I either like blogs and blogging, or I don't.

On the petty side, I get frustrated with blogging because I don't know who my audience is or how many people are regular readers. Sometimes I'm my own audience (today), but usually I'm writing for you/us. This is a public forum, after all.

I am disappointed in the medium of blogging as a means toward intimacy and friendship for two reasons. First, contact through blogging isn't nearly as personal, real, or authentic as being in person. As with all digital media, there's too much context removed. That probably goes without saying. In this sense, I find people using a blog as a replacement for real contact, myself included. It could be said that blogging makes certain conversatons/polls more efficient, and it could be said that it's easier for us to say things in writing on the internet. But why can't we just hang out and say important things to each other? Oh yeah, because no one has time anymore. And besides, blogging is easier because you can't call me out on anything mid-sentence, and then you have to leave a public post to boot.

Second, but related, is something more difficult to describe, but also more troubling to me: confused emotional and personal boundaries. I see this on other blogs and do this myself, but can't define it well. In short I guess it's the "hey, look at me" factor: attention grabbing. Not everyone does this, but most of us do. Seeking validation by sounding pitifull, jaded, or melancholy; one-upping with humor or intellect; boasting about exploits or name-dropping; private emotional responses gone public (like this one, I guess). Whatever gets you to realize that my blog, and therefore I myself, am cooler than most of the other blogs (people) out there. ...Or at least cool enough to warrant your continued attention and affection. Maybe I say that because I don't feel as worthy of attention as other people/blogs. I want that validation so much (though I feel like I shouldn't) so I see it all over the place--people busy being better and more attractive than I am. Or just better at drawing positive attention toward themselves. You pick.

But this isn't news: it's what people do. Hardly anyone, if anyone, would admit that they are grabbing for the attention of others, but most of us are subconsciously looking for that validation all the time. That's why I call it "confused" emotional boundaries: it seems more unnatural to me when it's online, maybe because we don't have the option of politely and casually ignoring it the way we can in normal conversation, or of steering it towards something healthier. After all, I'm commiting my attention to the attention-grabbing behavior just by reading the blog entry, right? That's not as easy to let slide. And along these same lines, since most people don't leave any sort of feedback, the conversation is even further removed from "normal." I can post anything I want without great concern for the looks, cues, or comments I might otherwise expect in person.

I am a people pleaser comparing myself to others. This is for myself mainly, because I don't like that I do these things and with such difficulty.

So, why write all this? Because I don't want to care anymore. Because if this is the media we're using, than this is where these thoughts belong. Because I started this, and want to finish it. Because you've participated in this with me so far, and I would like to keep you abreast of where I am in it. Because maybe I'm not the only one dealing with these thoughts. Because maybe you should be dealing with them too.

Because people don't say things like these to each other often enough: the true things that we are thinking and feeling. Maybe this is homework for me: being more transparent.

My Gameplay Resume

This post is inspired by Avant Game's own Gameplay Resume. You should write and post your own as well!

Childhood: 1977-1989: Emerging imagination
--Being smaller than my peers and having two younger brothers reinforces my interest in imaginative rather than athletic games
--Pong, against myself on a B/W television stored in a bedroom closet
--Games revolve around fantasy settings, identities, and the construction of bases, vehicles, weapons, and/or tools out of blankets, tents, Construx, Legos, and any common household items
Lessons learned: Anything can become a game anywhere with anyone. You can't be too old to play. Also, younger brothers can be swayed to play games the way you want to play them.

Early Teen Years: 1990-1992: Introductions
--Thumb blisters after all-night NES at friends': Contra, Mega Man, Double Dragon, Ninja Gaiden, TMNT, TMNT2
--Strategy Board Games: youth pastor Dan S teaches then crushes me in RISK and a Civil War battle sim with little cardboard chit pieces.
Lessons learned: sleeping is unnecessary. Losing can be fun if the environment is right. Gameplay is often a powerful reinforcer.

Late Teen Years: 1993-1995: RPGs
--Video: Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Chrono Trigger, Shadowrun
--Pen & Paper: player or Game Master for Star Wars RPG campaigns
Lessons learned: imagination and creativity are to be prized. Teamwork is often best. Fantasy settings provide a more comfortable place for people to explore and practice social skills, both in the fantasy world and in the gaming circle.

College: 1995-2000: Social Gaming
--Large group games: Mafia, Assassins (aka Werewolf), Bigger and Better (aka the Paperclip Game), town-wide scavenger hunt
Lessons learned: I'm more comfortable in large groups than I thought. People (even most strangers) are nicer than perceived. The world can be a playground for adults too. Strangers will sometimes trade a working vaccuum cleaner for a votive candle.

Young Adulthood: 2000-present: Board Game Glory
--A rediscovery of table-top gaming: Formula De, Twilight Imperium, War of the Ring, Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan, Samurai, Ticket to Ride, Shadows over Camelot, Carcassonne
--Creation of my own games: Liege Lords and the tentatively titled Escape, both coming soon to a nerd store near you :)
Lessons learned: good friends can be found unexpectedly. Game design is fun, stimulating, fulfilling, and refreshing. Also, I have "shifty eyes".

the return of Mouthing Off

An alternate title for this post might be: jaded bitchfest.

So, I think I am tired of thinking about the heavy things in the world. I spent large quantities of energy writing about that stuff on this weblog, and nothing has changed. And I never expected it to. But that energy had to go somewhere. And now I am jaded about weblogging. Because it is dumb. Another excuse for people to not talk to each other in meaningful ways. If I post all my feelings and thoughts on a blog, then 1. I am spending time alone to do it 2. I assume that people will read it and develop a stronger affection for me because they now know my thoughts and feelings on important matters or life circumstances. Which socially just doesn't and can't happen the same way it does if we're making eye contact.

I wish sometimes that American life was hard again. Meaning, I wish we were a Second World country. Wealth has made us sucky and cocky. Well, that's where I pin my own insecurities anyway. I want too many things, there are too many things to want, and people spend the money I give them to create schemes to make me want even more things I don't need. Fuck it. I'm tired of people making me want things that I don't need, distracting me to the point of my own and our culture's detriment. I want to see the things in life that are important, and I can't because there are too many other things to want. And even when I can see the issues, I am torn because I also want a motorcycle, or a PS3, or even new brakes on my car or to make an extra payment on the mortgage.

I don't want to want things anymore. I want to want the Truth. I want to work for Freedom and Redemption from evil. I capitalize those things because they are real things, important things. I reread my very first post today, and I still want those things.

And I don't want to write about it on some damned weblog. I want to talk about it in a normal way like normal people used to, in the days before idiot technology ruined things by separating us with screens and earbuds. But I can't, because there isn't a natural medium for that kind of dialogue. No one sits on their front porch anymore because we're too busy not sharing our things and minding our own business.

I wish that I was so rich that I could give away half my income and still live comfortably. Then, I could be at home in both the American and the Jesus-centered worlds. [This is not a true solution. This is a bullshit solution so I don't have to change my life. I get Jesus' approval and esteem in American culture. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but you get the idea.]

No. I wish that I could love the Lord my God with all my heart. With all my soul. With all my mind. And with all my strength. But I can't. Or I won't. Or I can't tell the difference.

For dinner tonight.

--a box of spiral mac & cheese with Texas Pete's hot sauce
--a can of Pabst (or PBR, if you prefer, which I sometimes do)
Deliciousness.

This is one of the reasons why my wife is incredible.

She took me to see the following wonders. You have no idea how huge they are in person. Oh, AND she arranged for me to obtain an autographed Boba Fett helmet--signed, of course, by the guy who played him: Jeremy Bulloch. I watched him sign it. He also gave me a great wedding gift for my friend, Jon: an autographed pic of Fett congratulating the new couple...and saying, "I'm watching you!"

More reasons why my wife is incredible.

These might be my favorites.

I don't want to work here anymore

Can anyone out there direct me toward resources to become a game designer? (games in general,/non-video game specific programs) I'm going to learn the science of games: sociology, math, psychology, the works, the gamut, the kit-n-kaboodle.

I am wasting here.

an image

This is an eagle crest based on the Polish eagle crest. I made it myself.

Le Parkour

This might be one of the coolest things I've seen in awhile. I need two volunteers to help spot me as I learn to wallflip. Who's in?

Something different

I've added a new link. I found it at random on the blogger homepage, and I really like it. Granted, I've been in a very game-designy mood and mode lately. So, now you can check out Jane McGonigal's weblog, and various interesting things that are linked from it. She's a game designer studying and/or teaching at Berkley. I'm not sure quite which. It's over there on the right.

Return of the Jedi

That's me. I'm the Jedi. Except that I'd rather just be a simple man trying to make my way in the universe. Jedi have too many responsibilities and they are expected to act in certain ways. And Sith are self-centered bastards.

I got Jeremy Bolloch's autograph this weekend. He's the guy that played Boba Fett. He signed my Fett helmet. He also provided me with a kick-ass wedding present for my friend Jon, whose wedding was this weekend. They had very efficient table service and quite tasty food at the reception. Perhaps the best I've had to date, though my memory tends to favor the present.

We'll see how much of this (blogging) stuff I do. I'm tired of provoking people, tired of bitching about my job/life, tired of trying to determine what to say or how. Too much negotiation.

My life isn't about anything right now. It's about living one day to the next as best I can. I desire purpose. And/Or money. I desire to be wired a different way. I desire a departure from the stagnancy that has come to define my last few years.

Tell me about the most fun game you've ever played.

hello

So, I've been away for awhile, and I will probably be away for awhile longer still. I've fallen out of the habit of checking my email at home, which means I rarely if ever check this weblog.

While I've been away I had Thanksgiving with my family in Tennessee (which I very much enjoyed), got depressed, saw a counselor, got mostly over it, decorated gingerbread cookies with my talented wife, had Christmas with Sarah's family, started painting the miniatures that came with the game I got for Christmas (War of the Ring), went to a wedding at which I got to ring the bell, had a lovely New Years (even if it was without Sarah or Kevin), and got swamped with stuff at work. This is the last week of the super-swamp, then next week is a lighter swamp, then I'm out of the marshes for a few weeks until new stuff comes up. I'm still looking for a new career and feeling torn about the desire for money versus being content with life as it is.

Also, my brother Peter bought me 8 cans of Skyline chili for Christmas. I bought him the game Zombies!!!

A gift.

This past Sunday, God gave me this word:


Mercy

This is a genuine journal article. Be advised.

I wrote this a week or three ago. I guess this is a reasonable description of where I've been living for the past undefined expanse of time--not in a dramatic or you-should-be-concerned kind of way, more like my subconscious mindset...a pillar of thought upon which many other things rest.


In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.

And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.

This will be worth your while.

Stuff On My Cat.

Swear your brains out.

So. Here we are. And it seems like it's time for another one of those honest discussions. This time the topic is swearing and its appropriateness, for all people in general, but for those claiming to be Christians in particular.

The rules are the same as always: feel free to post whatever you wish as long as you are being respectful, honest, and tasteful, and also feel free to post anonymously. "Tasteful" is here defined as "don't be rude or crass for the sake of being rude or crass."

Here's what I'd like to start with: pussy, dick, cunt, etc. I think we can all agree that the "magic" (or lack thereof) in any swear word lies in the semantics: i.e., words only mean what we say/think/feel they mean. That being the case, why is there a gradient of vulgarity in those three words? Personally, I'm very offended by the use of any of the three in any context. They are equally offensive because they have the same meaning.

Here's topic two, when you've sounded off on the first (which is very important, I think). I'm interested in hearing about your personal guidelines/boundaries for saying swear words: in what contexts do you curse? how do you decide what is okay and what isn't? what offends you? what doesn't? who offends you? who doesn't?

The end of GCH

In all practical ways, the band (Ghostrunner Come Home) has dissolved. Seems short-lived, mostly because we only played two shows, I think. Came apart for several reasons, with "artistic differences" only a small portion. I'm a little disappointed, but I also feel free again. Time to go back to my original gameplan: keep making the music I like, and wait for people to come along who understand the vision and have the time to contribute. For me personally, I fell away from that gameplan and got in a rush to put things together when the pieces weren't quite there. It's weird, because this is one of those instances where maybe I could be bitter or maybe feel relieved. Another failed band or a fun couple months. I choose to feel relieved. And it certainly was fun to play with others, even if it was less than ideal. I'm not posting anything on the GCH site yet because I still have to talk with our bass player about it. I'm sure he's pieced it together by now, but I want to at least end this thing with dignity. Besides, the saddest part of GCH's breakup for me is that I no longer have a "natural" reason to hang out with Adam, though I really enjoy hanging out with him. Maybe there's more musical futuredom ahead.

this is not a direct response to previous comments, more like a free-write based on my current experience

It's a good idea to write to the guy's family, but it's the sort of thing I don't do. Not intentionally. I'm one of those "road to hell is paved with good intentions" people. In some sense I would very much like to write to the guy's family, for my own sake and not their, but I never do that kind of thing, no matter how good an idea I may believe it to be. Hell, I can't even write to my own family about the impact my now-months-dead cousin had on my life. The funeral aanouncement is still sitting right here on this damn desk, with "good intentions" all over it. And I have another important letter to write that is even more overdue than that one.

Why am I saying this? To refute well-doers? No. Because it's just the honest truth. It's the observable reality of my life. I don't do many of the things that "should" be done. I have excuses. I have unreachable anxieties. I have fears of the unknown. This isn't news to most human beings. I hate hate hate being wired this way. I feel that it leaves me where I find myself. Which isn't a bad place at all, it's just an ambiguous, unidentifiable, directionless place. "Take heart/courage! I have overcome the world!"

Feel free to post all your favorite swear words. I realize that it was unfair of me to end my post that way last time. Like some crazy art film or novel that robs you of the cathartic ending you've been led to expect. Besides, I think the juxtaposition of the two comment sets has the potential to be amusing, at least until I get more sleep. Off to bed.

ChEEse and RICE! GOT DANdruff, and sumovititches!

sounding bored

I have had nothing to say. I don't like writing about how my days have been going, and I don't want to write about what other things have been going on in my life because they are either still in flux or are too personal for public consumption. I still want to swear on my blog. So I think I am going to. Shit. Swear words look different to me when written, compared to when spoken. Particularly the "F" word, which I typed, but then chickened out and erased. It seems more crass to me written. I don't want to be crass, I want to be myself. But this is not the place to be so, says wisdom.

"Punk-ass bitches" is my favorite string of swear words, when forced to exclude "pinko commie bastards". I also like the way "What the flying seventh level of hell?!" rolls off the tongue.

Yesterday I found out that a man I knew and appreciated was found dead on the street of my town late Thursday night, most likely the result of a pill & alcohol overdose. His funeral was on SUnday and his remains were cremated. This makes grieving awkward for me because I didn't know him very well, and now my avenues of closure have passed by. I'll get over it, but he was one of those guys that I was really rooting for. In those moments when I could see past his addiction, he was a really great person. I am sad that his life and the lives of many many people are dominated and controlled by addiction, and I'm not just talking about the abuse of substances.

NTLP Day

Ahoy, me hearties! Here we be, between a chaos moon and the briney deep, making our fortunes how e'er we may. Load them cannons and prepare for the broadsides! All hands! A pox upon the scurvy dogs what tries to stop us tonight!

A thought on democracy

A few days ago something occured to me while I was watching an episode of the West Wing and the show was waxing patriotic about the glory and pride of democracy, American gift to the world. This happens on the show every third episode or so, and most of the time it tugs my humanitarian heart strings. This time, however, I was struck with a touch of irony. Democracy prides itself in that people get to choose their own ruler, and if we don't like the ruler we have chosen, then we can pick another one. But the idea is that we rule ourselves, sort of. For some reason the passionate speech in this recent episode made me think of the Israelites' choice to anoint Saul as their ruler and king instead of keeping God as ruler and king. They doggedly decided that they wanted a man to rule over them, so they picked the most comely among them (or Samuel did, I guess, or God did, depending on how you want to look at it).

I guess it just makes me skeptical of all the freedom we champion here in the US. Not that I want to live under a tyranical, genocidal megalomaniac. I just wonder a little if "self rule" is really something as grand...or safe... as we're programmed to desire and believe. All of humanity wants it because it's the only way we all get to rule: "you can have yours but don't touch mine" at its finest. But as history unfolds and time passes, I find mself wondering if democracy will make any practical difference in the world at all. The world keeps turning, people keep living and dying, same as we have made a habit of doing. The same, if not more, evil and cruelty happen in the world today than ever before, and I'm often torn as to whether democracy (particularly coupled with capitalism) helps or hurts more. We'll see, I guess, as the great human experiment continues, with and without us.

see you at the Pole

Sarah and I went to Cincinnati this weekend for our anniversary. It was one of the best times we've had in a long time, and was looong overdue. Anyway, we stayed at a nice-ish hotel and had a good time swimming and watching cable tv. On my way down to to the first floor to get some ice for our cooler Saturday morning, I was interrupted by one of the maidstaff who happened to notice that I was wearing a Polish soccer jersey. She made mention of this fact by speaking to me in Polish. Without a greeting in English. She, in fact, was a native Pole, working in the American hotel. It was a dream come true, except it was a nightmare...because I don't speak Polish. See, my grandparents came off the boat from Poland. The other side of my family is also almost entirely comprised of ex-Poles. In fact, I'm 7/8ths Polish, 1/8th Irish. A good mix, really, (lots of potatoes and cabbage) but irrelevant. The point is that I have hoped and planned at some point in my life to learn to speak Polish and to have a real, live conversation in Polish with a real, live Pole. And now I've blown my one opportunity. It was handed to me, in a natural setting on a silver platter and I wasn't prepared. I kicked myself all day for it. Sigh.

In other news, you should go see the Newport Aquarium near Cinci. I went through it three times in one day(it was that good), and I think I would live there, if they'd let me. I was awestruck (as usual). If someone asked me to prove to them that there is a God, I would take them to an aquarium.

ps: my apologies to commenters, but from now on you'll have to go through a safety check to post comments (to make sure you're human). Please don't let this stop you. I just figured that you were probably already getting enough ads for boner pills in your email, so you probably didn't need the ones that were showing up on my blog comments section.

Conservative Rant #2

>First, in regard to the last article, I want to clarify: I don't think anyone should use the political/economic system that way, but I do recognize that it is legal to do so in this bless'd country, and I think it's ridiculous and hypocritical for the left to get offended at the right's using these tactics. I'm not saying I think they or anyone should use them. I'm saying the left is bitter and sanctimonious. If that chafes you, then you'll enjoy the reversal in today's posting. Read on, gentle pilgrim.

>Second, read this. Sarah sent me that article more recently. Below is my response to it.

If conservative Christians are nutty, this is what makes them nutty. I think they are definitely persecuted, and that they are certainly singled out more than most other groups. (Who doesn't love to hate Christians?) But I think that at this point they have a victim complex. Over the years of seeing morality decline, they've (we've) not been able to come up with a significant strategy to reclaim those lost lives and correct a maligned perspective. (Not that anything was ever close to perfect.) In the wake of these changes, they think that society's move towards hedonism is a personal attack against them. Or maybe they feel secretly guilty for "letting" it happen--as if they were the wardens of cultural morality. (And maybe we are that, I never know, but we shouldn't feel guilty regardless.) They no longer seem to recognize the power and influence they have. Rather, they DO recognize it, but do not use it to it's full potential in appropriate ways.

By using so much energy to continuously cry foul, they miss opportunities to affect real change by being what we are supposed to be: a light on a hill, salt in a tasteless world. I mean that they're wasting breath saying things that are not full of humility or hope or peace or joy or love or self-control. Instead, they are spouting bile, resentment, envy, and aggression--all the things the world loves to mock us for, when we slip into them. They are forgetting that we are supposed to turn the other cheek when someone strikes us.

But now we're getting into a discussion of how American nationalism and Christianity have become intertwined, like a bastard child that feels he is heir to the throne. The historical American sense of rebellion and "we're not going to take this!" seems to be guiding them, and I think there's a strong sense of "civil rights for Christians too, while you're at it!" We've forgotten that when it comes down to it, we are supposed to be persecuted. That's part of our normal lot in life as Christians. We're supposed to be wary of the wolves, not try to stomp them out. "In the world you will have trouble. But take courage for I have overcome the world." Does that sound familiar?

Reader Response: Conservative Rant #1

First read this. Sarah sent it to me awhile back. What follows is my response to the "news" article in question.

I think it is remarkable how short-sighted people can be. Hello? Maybe I'm the only one that realizes that this is America, and that these "theocratic fundamentalists" are only doing what the laws of this land allow them to do. The only reason why the lefties get so pissed is because they want to turn the country in a different direction...by using the same process of laws and persuasion. The hypocrisy is astounding, and the denial regarding that hypocrisy is more so. This is one of those issues that I have opinions on, but would love to debate over because my opinions are not concrete. There are probably angles that I could consider, to make my opinion more solid.

This is considered JOURNALISM? You're supposed to consider this unbiased and truthful?! This website is a joke. I got pretty upset when he said, "..... Call it a new, 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not advertise" if the religious primitives smell sin." Religious primitives? What the flying eighth level of hell do you think YOU are? An Enlightened Sophisticate?

This is difficult for me, because I honestly think homosexuality is a mental/social disorder and that we are doing gays a disservice by trying to legitimize and rationalize dysfunction. This kind of thing is happening in a broad sense across the mental health field. In many cases it’s legitimate, but in many other cases I feel like it’s ‘bleed-through compassion’—misjudging the nature of the illness by comparing it in approach to other illnesses.

Arg. To summarize, I say: more power to the Righties. They are using capitalism and democracy to achieve their goals. I may not agree with all or many of the things they support, but they’re going about it the right way. Which, coincidentally, is the way the Lefties have made most of their ground in recent years. (With a strong dose of public opinion shaping, but that’s another essay.) I think the Lefties are just pissed that the Righties have woken up, are gaining ground, and are playing the game by the rules.

I adjourn. Thanks for this, maybe we can talk more later. I think I might print this and get feedback from others.

Fair Trade Info

If you have 5-15 minutes, check out this website. Then come back and post your thoughts. This is a topic that interests and concerns me, but one that I feel inadequately unknowledgeable about. (How's them for big words?) Maybe that "unknowledge" is what perpetuates and enables the cycle and system. That's my theory anyway. What's your take?

(ps: Thanks to my brother Noah for sending me to the site.)

Nevermind that last part.

Watch this instead.

I'm bored of blogging

I have nothing to say. I feel like I'm keeping this up just to give people to check up on, but I have nothing to check up on. What would you like to know about? I haven't mouthed off in awhile. Maybe I'm not feeling very passionate.

For some odd reason...

...all I want to do is post swear words these days. Bad ones. Not in any context but their own. And not because I'm angry. More because I'm feeling mischievous. There's a better word for it, but I can't think of it. You tell me what it is.

ps: I'm only sparing you because this isn't a real journal. I don't want to deal with all the confusion and concern it would garner, because few people realize that sometimes I'm this way just because I want to be.

Hello, every buddy!

Imagine Grover from Sesame Street said that. It's funnier.

I have been neglecting this weblog, unintentionally. I don't have much time at home these days to do this. Or maybe I'm not making time. Or maybe I don't have as many things to say. Or maybe I don't have as many provocative things to say as I thought I did. Or maybe I'm too chicken to write them.

My birthday happened recently. The 28th anniversary of the day of my birth. The people at work waited until I was out of the office, then they put up pictures of me all over the building. And they were very thorough. I should state that the pictures were actually just of my face superimposed onto Yoda's and Darth Vader's bodies. On the day before my birthday, I went with some friends to Rio Grande, a delicious authentic Mexican restaurant. Quality cheap food is my favorite. On my proper birthday, my in-laws humored me by braving the new frontier of Japanese steakhousedom in Parkersburg. A fun time was had by all. And a hearty portion of delicious food as well. Anywhere the chef sets the table on fire, twirls knives, and throws food at your face after cooking it in front of you, well, that's a place I can support, encourage, and thoroughly enjoy. Reasonable prices mean I'm definitely going back someday.

Kevin bought me a new Star Wars minis starter for my birthday, and I'll most likely be spending a hearty portion of my birthday money on more minis, purchased from my cousin's exquisite store. If they weren't so cool, I wouldn't have to buy them. (Don't even ask how many times I've actually played them. It's pathetically embarassing how much I've invested in these little plastic creatures.) (And droids.) I'm also buying a Boba Fett comic book series from him.

I would like to have a serious conversation. But I don't know what about.

Check out the band's weblog for an update on the rest of the recording process.

Sorry I haven't been around

Well, I am. I haven't much time to do this at home anymore, and I haven't the courage to post from work, or maybe I have the sensibilities to know not to.

I would like to vacate for two weeks. I would like to Take Kevin and Chris with me. We would drive and drive and not shower. And look at mountains and feel the hot sun and praise our God for His beauty and and creativity and perfection.