My spiritual experience at the octopus tank.

First, I'll tell you that I looooove underwater because it is so amazingly graceful and mysterious and weird and scary and alien. Now I'll just relay the story. Sarah and I went there for a vacation, and went through the aquarium in about 2 hours. I wanted to stop and gawk a bunch more, but didn't want to try Sarah's patience (she likes it lots too, and I don't want to be a bother.) Anyway, then she went to the bookstore next door and I went back through the aquarium. This time, when I got to the octopus tank--which is about 5'x8' wide or a little bigger--I got the chance to just stop and watch for about 20 minutes. In the tank, they just have one giant octopus, that's it. And everyone else just was just sort of giving it a cursory glance and then moving on because it wasn't really doing anything, which was fine by me because I got to stand as close as I wanted. And then it slowly moved from one corner of the tank all the way to the other. It was incredible. I guess the reason why it's "spiritual" for me is because when I see nature, and particularly sea life or cats or small animals, I always think about how awesome God's creativity is. He spends so much time on the details, you know? And I recognize that for some people, maybe many, when they see sea life they think of evolution and science and the randomness of things. And I'm not going to say how God creates things because He's God and does whatever He likes, but when I saw that octopus, I could feel the amazing intentionality of its being. I could see its delicacy and its power and its finesse. It was enough to make my eyes well up. In my head sometimes I imagine God saying something like, "I know most people will not value you or give you more than a passing glance. Some will only think of what they can get from you or how you can benefit them. Some will abuse you for their own amusement, or carelessly destroy your home or food for their own profit. In fact, most won't even see you because of where you'll live. But despite all this, I am going to put my full creative power to bear in your being. You won't be the highest form of life on the planet, but you will be as you should be, down to the very last detail. You will be as perfect an octopus as you can be on this present earth. And through your beauty, I will demonstrate my own beauty. Even if no one were to ever recognize it, you are my precious creation, and you are worth the time and effort. I enjoy you."

My ability to tolerate this place is reaching critical mass. Every time my boss talks, I lose more and more will to keep a positive attitude or do good work. I do not want to lose, I don't want to sin. I feel so torn because I want to hate this place, I want to flee...but I am wondering where is my fruit? I am a child of the God of the living, and my will and joy here is dying. I don't want redemption for this place, I want destruction. I want to call people idiots, and to feel like I am superior to them. But I'm not any better, just more competent. And even then, not much more so at all... I am tired and sad and hurting. What is the "right" thing to do?

Time continues to pass.

pretend there's something more relevant here

I haven't posted recently because I have been stressed about my job and employment and haven't had the energy to post much. My brother got married two weekends ago out of state, and that was a very nice break from this place. Also gave my eyelid a chance to recover from the allergy/rash/swelling it had developed. (I think the stress of this place lowered my immune system--I don't usually have allergies.)

I've had things I've wanted to post here, some thought-provoking, some just general life stuff. Just haven't been able to get it together. I'm trying to get on that, but things at work are "busy" right now and I feel distracted by that. It's the end of the school year and many of our grants are in shambles, so there's lots of scurrying to smash in programs where they otherwise shouldn't go in an attempt to spend the rest of the money before we lose it.

I am choosing to spell this problem: M-I-S-M-A-N-A-G-E-M-E-N-T. And it makes me frustrated and sad because it cheapens my work and the work this agency could be doing.

PS: tea and fresh strawberries are a good snack. Also, here's another little reminder not to take what we see at face value.

Happy Anniversary!

Joy of joys! Occasion of occasions! Frolic and jump with glee, as happiness and jubilance abound prolifically! For behold, today is my official 2-year anniversary of working at my current job (not, of course, including the two months prior which were not considered "official" because I was with a temp agency)! My reward, you ask? A $0.306 per hour raise! And a fresh 2 weeks of vacation! And the opportunity to collect my vacation as pay if I quit before I've used it all! Which has recently become a goal of mine!

All the kids are talking about Critters!

Sarah posted a ba-rand new Critters site, and it is incredible! So, go read a bunch of cartoons, then send the link to everyone you possibly think might find it enjoyable, and also link to it on your weblog. :) Coz this is going to be huge, and you want to be a part of it. (Seriously, help the word get out!)

There is a substantial archive posted already, and I'm told the artist has committed to regular weekly postings as well.

Limited Cafe-Press merchandise is available on the site too, but we're looking for other (more profitable) merchandise options. If you have ideas, feel free to email Sarah or me.