Winter Wonderland

Something occurred to me today, and I'm now wondering why no one ever mentioned this before.

Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream/drink by the fire
To face unafraid, the plans that we made...
Walking in a winter wonderland

"Conspire"? what are those people conspiring to do? Particularly when those plans force them to "face unafraid"?? What plots were they hatching??? This song reeks of sedition.

William Wilberforce

I think you should see the movie Amazing Grace. It's about the man who headed the movement to end the slave trade in Britain in the late 1700's and early 1800's.

I feel a deep harmony in stories like these, but also some guilt or something. The people who care this much, actually DO things. I don't. I wait for someone else to come and do things, and I try to help them do things. Or I distract myself and do nothing. But I hold hope that I'll do something someday.

Head Trauma

Today at work I hurt my head and blood came out. I am fine and continued with the work day. But it was exciting and I thought I'd tell you.

I was carrying a piece of scaffolding and tripped backwards as it got stuck on the other pieces of scaffolding. The damn thing fell on me and whacked me in the head. As I fell, I said, "O shit!" That is something to say when falling and thinking about the possibility of breaking bones because you are tangled in a piece of scaffolding which is falling on top of you. No bones broken, just a big bump and a few drops of blood. I put a rag on it, and it stopped bleeding quickly.

And for anyone so clever as to say, "So that's why he's that way," [laughlaugh] to you I say, I've always been this way. Ask anyone.

Heavily weighted in the mind

O there are so many things I would type here at the moment. I have a great load of things floating through my head, and I have been having a hard time lately making sense of it. I won't go into all of it, but I've been having a very hard time teasing this ball of yarn into something I can deal with. The pressures of keeping people happy, doing good work, feeling fulfilled, wondering if I'm "likable", being a servant, leading, not feeling supported or understood, meeting obligations set by others...I'm having a hard time.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting any of this here. I guess this is my thinking spot, as using MS Word is very yucky to me and writing on paper without edits takes too long when you're this verbose. :) I am tired and saddened and can't get these things out of my mind. I have a few people I need to talk to, then maybe more of the details can become public.

Here's a question that I think: am I losing my "saltiness" as a believer in Jesus, or is it the Christian culture around me? I feel like something inside me has been dying for a long time (years), but I still can't tell if what's dying is bad or good. There's simultaneously too much and not enough to compare it to. Too many voices. I desire to see the holy revolution that Jesus' spirit brings, but it seems so distant, so stymied, so muffled.

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." Matthew 5:13

Something is going to change. It's going to happen, just not sure what it is or when it will break.

I don't like myself because so strongly do I see the bad and evil things in this living we do--so much more clearly than the good things, which seem fleeting and difficult and overcast by the evil.

"What can men do against such reckless hate?"
-Theodin

This is the last night of my twenties

I feel like I should do something to commemorate the occasion, but I have no clue what to do. The idea I had earlier (which I will most likely follow up on) was to pop out to the Pit Stop and splurge on a bottle of single malt whiskey. Some Irish or Scotch stuff like Oban maybe. Tomorrow Sarah has dog training class, so I'm having a party during Game Night at Brad's house. We'll play games, drink beers, eat snacks, get in the hot tub. The usual. (Well, minus the hot tub.)

I've wanted to mark my 30th birthday with an event ever since I heard that my friend (and now boss) Matt quit smoking on his 30th. Since I don't smoke or drink heavily, I don't really have a vice to give up. But I do have a growing collection of projects that need to be finished, many of which I deeply desire to see to completion. So, to commemorate my birthday, tomorrow night will be the last night I go to Game Night until I have a Squid Games prototype game of my own to play test there. There are three titles that are in the works and could be ready more or less soon. This means I'll be updating the Squid Games blog more often in the next few weeks as well, so you'll be able to check the progress and developments there.

Now, off to get some whiskey.

Generic Update

So, I didn't work today. I was hoping it was going to take much longer for this to happen. I guess we didn't have any inside jobs to do right now, and since it's been raining and muddy...we don't work. This will be easier once I make more money.

I think Sarah and I found some cheapish insurance. Not the best coverage, but at least it's coverage. This way, we can get in car wrecks or break limbs again and have some help paying for it. :D

Also, I've decided that after my 30th birthday is a few weeks, I'm not going back to Game Night until I have a working prototype to bring for a play test session. I really want this to happen, and this is going to be a good way of obtaining the time and motivation to get it done.

I'm a construction worker.

I really like the new job. I really hate going on steep, high roofs. (Fine on high ladders, just not on steep, high roofs.) Started to get the hang of extension ladders. So far, I've dug a bunch of ditches and holes, filled in some of those holes, demolished an old concrete porch, chopped some huge-ass tree roots, shoveled a ton of gravel (maybe more), built a form for a concrete patio slab, framed a closet, scraped and primed a house, mixed some quick crete, installed some roof vents, and painted some window trim. I think that covers it.

I've also toned and slimmed a bit, even in 2 weeks, which is funny because I don't have much fat to trim anyway. And I ate some polish sausage that I bought at the grocery store. It would have been great without the MSG and with a more garlic--just like Dzadza (my grandpa) used to make.

I know I'll have to get on another high, steep roof at some point in this job, but I hope it's not anytime soon. Nice low, shallow ones will suit me just fine. Or even high shallow ones. I'm fine of ladders, even high ones that bounce a little. I guess I'm partially afraid of heights--afraid of the heights that don't offer me any kind of secure foot or hand holds. Which seems perfectly reasonable, except that I work with a bunch of guys that can do this stuff without it being an issue. At any rate, I'll take painting or digging over roofing anyday.

Power tools I've used in the last two weeks of work

circular saw
table saw
pneumatic nail gun
fuel nail gun (Paslode)
hammer drill
cordless drill
sawzall
cement mixer
jackhammer

Placeholder

I'm writing this post because I realized I won't be able to keep up with this blog nearly as well as I did before. Same goes for email, which is maybe more disappointing. But the good news is that I started my new job today, and I really enjoy it. I work with good and enjoyable people. And this job has more potential for advancement than my last one. And the learning curve is longer--I will continue to acquire new skills, and it will take time for those skills to develop. But I am very sad that I am leaving some of the people at my last job behind--it seems weird, but I genuinely love a few of them. That's a bold thing to say, maybe. Now I need to spend some time getting this love out of my heart and into people's lives, or really what's it worth? Not so easy for a nerdish introvert, even one as verbose as I am. :P

All this sentimentality is surely seeping from the hard day's work today and from the recent news that my good friend Aaron will be leaving Athens in a few months. This has been a long time coming, but doesn't make it easier. Sarah can tell you about it, but I've really come to love him and his family. I don't know if he shares the feeling, but I feel very kindred with him.

Also: Hey, thank you for being my friends. For serious.

I'll be getting up some pics of the road trip to Wyoming soon, and giving a report. Maybe Kevin already did that on his blog, I haven't checked yet. It was a good time, and again left me wanting to explore the mountains more. It's a wonderful thing to feel so small, yet to be a part of something so big. Easy to forget that when you're surrounded by civilization and media, you know?

Butterflies

As this day has progressed, the tenseness in my stomach has increased as well. I just wanted to document how odd this feels. It wasn't that big a deal to turn in my notice, but now that the weight of the action sets in--becomes less reversable--I am actively feeling it. Not regret. Excitement. Mixed with subtle apprehensive undertones and a warm wash of inevitability.

I'm certainly stressed about every other area of my life as well right now as well. Things are not coming together as they should, and that's just how it goes. Old employment, vacation, supplemental employment, new employment. My obligations to employers and to others are outweighing my personal plans. I'm disappointed, but not really distraught. Stuff just happens. And I don't really know where my life is going right now anyway, I just want a change. Time to stir the pot, see where things settle.

Keep me in your prayers, eh?

To Whom It May Concern:

Human Resources & Div. of Community Service
Health Recovery Services, Inc.
100 Hospital Drive Suite 2 South
Athens, OH 45701

To Nancy ..., Laura ... and Reggie ...:

I am writing you to officially tender my resignation from my position as Meigs County Prevention Specialist with Health Recovery Services effective Friday, June 29, 2007.

I appreciate the wealth of information on alcohol, tobacco, and other drug use, abuse, and addiction that I have learned during my time here, and I have greatly appreciated the opportunity to be a positive role model for so many Appalachian youth. I have also enjoyed working with exceptionally competent and compassionate co-workers while at the Division of Community Services.

I start employment with Stalwart Construction, on July 2. However, if I may be of assistance during the transition over the summer, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Patrick J. Filipiak

for Paul and Mdawg and the rest of you too

Well, this one is for Sarah.

The rest of you will have to wander around finding your own favorites. It'll be worth your time, if you're in the mood for whimsy and beauty. And cupcakes, I guess. And cute things can be found on this sister site.

You should post a link to your favorites here. (Click the post title to get the separate page to link.) I think this one might be my favorite, but I'm having a very difficult time choosing.

Gen. Update

Ack, nothing to say today. It's been nearly a week, so it's time for another post. Wish the convo from last week would have taken off a bit more, but that's okay. You should watch and vids and share your thoughts. It'll only take a few minutes.

I'm going to have to wait a bit longer to leave this job, it seems. After having several long talks with my former boss at GW, I decided to turn down the position. I do think I could have done the job, but I don't think the timing is right for that move yet. I never got excited about my potential job responsibilities. And my fallback (which I'm now quite looking forward to and don't really consider a fallback) of doing construction for some friends' company isn't progressing just yet either. It seems they've got all the new guys they need for now, so I'll be waiting to get my chance if one of them "doesn't work out." What a great phrase. "Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just not working out."

I got the worship internship position at church I was hoping for! That'll give a slight boost to the finances, and is also exciting to me. It's the main reason I turned down the GW job: I knew I couldn't give my best energy to both, and Central is where my heart is right now.
I start this week--nothing like being thrown into the deep end, eh? :)

Also, my friend Aaron is sick with some sort of non-meningitis meningitis. He's been having headaches for the past several days, but the docs can't figure out what's going on other than it's not meningitis. So, be praying for him and his family.

Also, I'm thinking about putting my first and last name up for viewing, and possibly even my reliable email address. How's that sound? My assumption is that most of you reading this know me personally anyway. Maybe I should get a hit tracker first...

Derren Brown and "instant conversions"

Now here's something worth watching. This guy is a self-proclaimed charlatan who tried to convert a group of atheists to believe in God with a simple touch. Watch both of these short videos, and read the "more" descriptions given on the side, as they'll describe the how the techniques work. Then maybe we can have a conversation here for a bit. :)

Part One

Part Two

A lesson in averting your eyes

Provided for you here, on video.

To myspacers and facebookers. On internetal personal information posting.

Hello.

I am writing more to get another post up than to say anything new. I don't have anything new to say.

So maybe I'll say this. Many of my friends have blogs, facebook, myspace, etc websites and accounts, and post their full names and actual personal information on them. I can't bring myself to do that. Part of it is my natural defensiveness and image control efforts, and part of it is what I'd consider to be healthy skepticism. Yet, like most everybody on earth, I too want to be connected and not left out. Can those of you who use these sites and services give me some feedback on how and why you use them?

PS: I do have this myspace page, but you can see how often and to what extend I'm into it. Also, it took me 10 minutes to find my profile to link to it, even when I searched for my first and last name. Which are rather uncommon. And I don't know why I didn't get some catchy myspace.com/mycoolnamegoeshere type address, just a bunch of numbers. [sigh] Hey, what if I had typed "faceboogers" up there in the title? Hilarious!

Appetite

I was just thinking that we like to eat things that taste good, even if they aren't good for us. Lots of creamy sauces on our entrees (or burritos or calzones in my recent case), rich chocolate desserts, salty foods. When making decisions, eating what tastes good is easier than if it is good for us. We can always go on a temporary diet if we need to, later, to compensate for eating these tasty things now. Marketers know what we're attracted to, and so make foods that appeal to those desires. This just makes it harder to choose a healthier diet.

Maybe we do this with our entertainment too. We eat what tastes good, until we're more than full, without thinking much about how or if it affects us in the long run. After all, nobody develops diabetes or heart disease after one day of eating rich foods, and again, our entertainment is just so...entertaining. And there's so much entertainment out there for us to eat.

Maybe we do this with faith too. We like to eat the bits that taste good, pushing the stuff that might be healthier for us to the other side of the plate. Ignoring the peas and the spinach. Can you get fat and out-of-shape eating only the parts of faith that taste good? I wonder what that looks like.

And of course you can substitute "I" for "we" in all of that above. :) I always feel the press of culture as we push together in certain unintentional directions, and I am just another in that throng.

An interview with me!

Jessi sent me a list of 20 questions awhile back. (For those of you who don't read her blog regularly, this has been a running thing for her for the past week or so - interviewing friends.) I answered them, she posted them. Today, her blog entry counts as mine too. Huzzah! Efficiency! Huzzah! You can read it here.

Feedback is appreciated, assuming you still have your brain. (See yesterday's post if you are unclear about whether you still have your brain.)

Also, I have been very hesitant to post this, but I might have a lead on a new job. Select few of you may already know this. It's all still "secret" and very up in the air, which is part of why I haven't said much of anything to anyone. The new job would be a challenge for me, but that's part of why I'm interested: it would give me more of an opportunity to test and flex my leadership tendencies, and it would be interpersonally challenging as well. Difficult, but I would be doing good work, doing something that matters and working with/for people that want to make a difference. Also, I applied for the worship internship position at church with the same expectations, but well before I had a lead on this other job. There's now some stress related to having several difficult/competing jobs. More news coming soon. (Hopefully.)

Every now and then...

...it's good to be reminded that there are good things in the world.

Today, I really needed this.

Just a Glimpse

http://www.miamiherald.com/467/story/110338.html

I just found out about this today, after reading it on eve-online.com. This sort of thing makes me both sad and happy. I have experienced this, caring for people who are on the (literal) other side of the globe, but people I've never met face-to-face. It's so strange how the world is changing. For all the naughtiness the internet has brought, there is some real good. What are your thoughts?

Nerds unite.

The wheels are rolling...

...let's hope they're still attached to the car.

I'm feeling the urge to do things again. Specifically to make music that I enjoy again, and to develop Squid Games. And other things. All this comes with a sadness, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's realism - I'm the only one that make these things change. There's a bit of isolation mixed in too, being a tad disappointed in these ventures. But the larger momentum comes from the passage of time. I'm not horribly content to just work a job my whole life, coming home grumpy and tired and wishing for something else.

This is my ideal work life: Squid Games takes off, and I sell a few songs here and there, or a few records of my own material. I work out of the Squid Games offices, or my home, keeping my own schedule so that I can take care of our kids and not send them to daycare. I collect a little money on the side from songs, but Squid Games is the bulk of my income, and it's enough to "subsidize" Sarah's dog training business in this low-income area so she doesn't have to work a bunch of part-time jobs. My creative energies are spent making games and developing the company, which is a small boon to our poverty-stricken county. I am able to support my family, repair my home as needed, and still be generous with my money.

What kind of "cool" are you?

For serious, almost anyone out there is trying to be some kind of cool. Yep, even you. Think about your clothes, your hairstyle, your attitudes. Or think about the kind of clothes you wish you had. Think about the kind of people that grab your attention. These are likely not your official role models, but they're the people you find yourself gravitating towards, or the image you desire to represent.

I wish I was an indie rocker. Decidedly independent, captivatingly eccentric, the extroverted introvert. The kind of cool that embodies cool by rejecting it so fully and embracing it so fully. These guys don't worry about paying the bills, because art is more important and bills are meaningless.

Care to confess your cool?

and ALSO

When the hell did Monsterbeard (who has no beard to speak of) start posting like a fiend again?! Christoph, I miss you too, my good friend. Time to refresh your RIP link over there.

So, Irony and Cynicism walk into a bar...

My boss was slated to attend a program with me next week with several other staff people. It's an all day event, intended exclusively to gobble unspent units in my grant before the end of the fiscal year, and it was her idea. (...and arguably her fault that it was necessary to gobble the units to begin with.) I learned today at staff meeting that she won't be able to attend the program.


[wait for it]


[not quite yet]


Because she'll be out of town receiving a Prevention Specialist Rookie of the Year Award from the new ODADAS director that day instead. Are you remembering how many people quit directly related to this woman? Well, we've been averaging one a week for the past month, two each month for the past three months.

We've lost 23 people in slightly over 2 years. Our staff, at max, was 20 people.

[Patrick sighs and chuckles quietly to himself]

Standing at the Gate to Middleageland

I'm sure this topic will come up again in the coming months. Consider this is a first installment. See, I'm going to turn 30 years of age in July, and of course there are plenty of thoughts and feelings that come with it. Today I'll be writing about one of the somewhat unexpected physical changes as a result of my aging: ye olde receding hairline.

Now, for any of you reading this who have a good bit of hair loss, I'm not here to complain or compare or even mourn the loss of the line. I recognize my loss at this point isn't even that bad. So please don't get sassy. For some people this is a sensitive subject, and I understand a measure of that. My point is really just: it's happening, and it's undeniable. In some ways, I like it. Not nearly as much as I would have liked to be prematurely gray or to have a "skunk spot", but I can hardly control that. If there's something that I complain about (and Sarah can vouch that I do complain about this) it's that it itches, which reminds me that it's receding, which makes me talk about it. (Verbal processing for the win!) And maybe I'm just not very observant, but it seems like most of this has happened within the last 6 months. Maybe an inch of loss at each corner? Granted, I've always had a rather tall forehead (as my kindergarten picture will affirm), it's just getting a smidge taller. And the longish hair makes it less obvious as well.

And all of this is just to say that I am undeniably entering into a new phase of life. The middle phase. Most of my friends my age have babies. My lack of career direction is a larger issue than it ever has been, largely because of this sense that time marches on...and maybe I'm flagging just a little. But I do like living life, being here, getting older, experiencing new things. Expecting. I'm looking forward to being an old man, and this is certainly a milestone on that long road.

I find my natural responses bumping shoulders sometimes. The one side that denies time and revels in youthfulness and impulsiveness. The other side that seeks the wisdom, maturity, and authority of adulthood. Consider this a chart of how a male might see himself over the years:

Baby -> Boy -> Kid -> Guy -> Man (-> Old Man?)

It's not good to linger longer than you should in one stage, much like it isn't healthy to skip a step. (And if you did skip a step, you should recognize it and allow yourself to be and do that step retroactively for awhile.) For me it is time to slowly move further from "Guy" to "Man." Which is odd for me to consider. And I still wish my hairline would stop itching.

My spiritual experience at the octopus tank.

First, I'll tell you that I looooove underwater because it is so amazingly graceful and mysterious and weird and scary and alien. Now I'll just relay the story. Sarah and I went there for a vacation, and went through the aquarium in about 2 hours. I wanted to stop and gawk a bunch more, but didn't want to try Sarah's patience (she likes it lots too, and I don't want to be a bother.) Anyway, then she went to the bookstore next door and I went back through the aquarium. This time, when I got to the octopus tank--which is about 5'x8' wide or a little bigger--I got the chance to just stop and watch for about 20 minutes. In the tank, they just have one giant octopus, that's it. And everyone else just was just sort of giving it a cursory glance and then moving on because it wasn't really doing anything, which was fine by me because I got to stand as close as I wanted. And then it slowly moved from one corner of the tank all the way to the other. It was incredible. I guess the reason why it's "spiritual" for me is because when I see nature, and particularly sea life or cats or small animals, I always think about how awesome God's creativity is. He spends so much time on the details, you know? And I recognize that for some people, maybe many, when they see sea life they think of evolution and science and the randomness of things. And I'm not going to say how God creates things because He's God and does whatever He likes, but when I saw that octopus, I could feel the amazing intentionality of its being. I could see its delicacy and its power and its finesse. It was enough to make my eyes well up. In my head sometimes I imagine God saying something like, "I know most people will not value you or give you more than a passing glance. Some will only think of what they can get from you or how you can benefit them. Some will abuse you for their own amusement, or carelessly destroy your home or food for their own profit. In fact, most won't even see you because of where you'll live. But despite all this, I am going to put my full creative power to bear in your being. You won't be the highest form of life on the planet, but you will be as you should be, down to the very last detail. You will be as perfect an octopus as you can be on this present earth. And through your beauty, I will demonstrate my own beauty. Even if no one were to ever recognize it, you are my precious creation, and you are worth the time and effort. I enjoy you."

My ability to tolerate this place is reaching critical mass. Every time my boss talks, I lose more and more will to keep a positive attitude or do good work. I do not want to lose, I don't want to sin. I feel so torn because I want to hate this place, I want to flee...but I am wondering where is my fruit? I am a child of the God of the living, and my will and joy here is dying. I don't want redemption for this place, I want destruction. I want to call people idiots, and to feel like I am superior to them. But I'm not any better, just more competent. And even then, not much more so at all... I am tired and sad and hurting. What is the "right" thing to do?

Time continues to pass.

pretend there's something more relevant here

I haven't posted recently because I have been stressed about my job and employment and haven't had the energy to post much. My brother got married two weekends ago out of state, and that was a very nice break from this place. Also gave my eyelid a chance to recover from the allergy/rash/swelling it had developed. (I think the stress of this place lowered my immune system--I don't usually have allergies.)

I've had things I've wanted to post here, some thought-provoking, some just general life stuff. Just haven't been able to get it together. I'm trying to get on that, but things at work are "busy" right now and I feel distracted by that. It's the end of the school year and many of our grants are in shambles, so there's lots of scurrying to smash in programs where they otherwise shouldn't go in an attempt to spend the rest of the money before we lose it.

I am choosing to spell this problem: M-I-S-M-A-N-A-G-E-M-E-N-T. And it makes me frustrated and sad because it cheapens my work and the work this agency could be doing.

PS: tea and fresh strawberries are a good snack. Also, here's another little reminder not to take what we see at face value.

Happy Anniversary!

Joy of joys! Occasion of occasions! Frolic and jump with glee, as happiness and jubilance abound prolifically! For behold, today is my official 2-year anniversary of working at my current job (not, of course, including the two months prior which were not considered "official" because I was with a temp agency)! My reward, you ask? A $0.306 per hour raise! And a fresh 2 weeks of vacation! And the opportunity to collect my vacation as pay if I quit before I've used it all! Which has recently become a goal of mine!

All the kids are talking about Critters!

Sarah posted a ba-rand new Critters site, and it is incredible! So, go read a bunch of cartoons, then send the link to everyone you possibly think might find it enjoyable, and also link to it on your weblog. :) Coz this is going to be huge, and you want to be a part of it. (Seriously, help the word get out!)

There is a substantial archive posted already, and I'm told the artist has committed to regular weekly postings as well.

Limited Cafe-Press merchandise is available on the site too, but we're looking for other (more profitable) merchandise options. If you have ideas, feel free to email Sarah or me.

I wish I got paid to make Flash humor

But since I don't, I'll simply tell you that you should watch this, because it is funny and true.

In fact, while you're there, click on the "Originals" tab and watch several of them. Nuckin' Futs! is also pretty dang hilarious, and there's a Weird Al vid in there too even. Gold mine!

This one is especially for Paul. Not Flash, but great stuff.

An acceptable behavior to be encouraged

I think parents should call their children the "fruit of my loins." Particularly as they enter adolescence, and particularly when speaking directly to the fruit of their loins. We are all the fruit of someone's loins (two people's loins, in fact), and I don't think this is something that is shameful. Loins bear fruit. Loin fruit. And you are a fruit of loins. Let's just get more comfortable with our identities as fruit of loins.

My response to the infidelity article

So, here's my spin. I was waiting for comments so folks wouldn't comment on my comments without reading the article first.

First. Screw Christianity just for a minute (metaphorically, of course). It has a strong cultural influence, sure, even on non-Christians, but in this context I'll call it irrelevant to the larger issue: people of every theological stripe and color still have some percentage of infidelity, and so will be counted as "fellow humans" in this discussion. :)

Second. I found it odd that the tone of the article (and maybe of the human psyche) seemed to be, "Infidelity is probably wrong, but I wish it wasn't, or at least I wish I didn't feel bad about it." Anyone else pick up on that?

Third. There is some irony in the claim that lofty marriage standards are a cause of infidelity--("In the ideal American marriage today, we are told to look to one person for everything—sexual, spiritual, financial, intellectual, emotional—we need.")--when the opposite could also be argued. A broken sense of self-worth could just as easily lead someone to a false expectation of what marriage should be. Broken people are broken people. Neither depending on one person for fulfillment nor spreading that expectation around will make a person whole if they aren't.

Fourth. This numbering system is stupid. Let's continue without it.

Which leads me to this: screwing around because you get off on the chase of the "prey" and/or the high of being wanted and desirable. Maybe reliving the burning, flirtatious excitement of the early times of a now tired relationship. Check this out:

Cheating broke up one of her longest and most important relationships, but the power of taking something that doesn't belong to her still enthralls. "Both people feel that, and they're desperate and animalistic and somehow strangely honest," she says. Lily compares infidelity to drugs, where there's a thrilling ride but an emptiness at the end. "If you win that man you're cheating with, and you both make each other the primary person, you've lost the sense of danger, you've lost everything that fueled the experience."

It's my opinion that this is really what drives us to cheat, no matter what else we believe about the institution of fidelity, in or out of marriage. Just because some people can do it seemingly without feeling guilty doesn't mean they're doing it for some right reason. They're still doing it to get a sense of self-fulfillment (even if it's just instant-gratification pleasure). Maybe they wouldn't count themselves among the "broken" sort of cheaters, but there's certainly still evidence they know it's wrong.

As Tariq said to me: "No one is caught if he doesn't want to be caught." Henri (the French guy who showed his wedding ring before cheating) will know that what he did wasn't entirely right, but he won't thrash his soul, believing that what he did was entirely wrong.

Break that down into a philosophical argument about moral reasoning, and it could be argued that these guys don't have an issue with it because they are actively hiding their behavior from the people that will be affected by the behavior and offer them "negative feedback". This line of moral reasoning is similar to anti-social reasoning: the morality of the behavior is only relevant if I get caught. I'm suggesting that this rationale for cheating smacks more of stage 2 than the stage 5 we might otherwise want to put it in. Cheating becomes instant gratification of my current want, without regard for the other people my behavior might affect.

Toooooooo concluuuuuuude. We cheat because we are broken. Even if we think we're fixed (maybe because we're married, or Christian, or a married Christian married to a Christian), we're broken if we're seeking fulfillment or completion from other people, particularly if we are not able to be honest and open about our needs and wants and behaviors with the ones we claim to love.

Internet Spaceships

Well, if you're too busy for real conversation then I'll give you more fluffy nerdness that will seem silly and irrelevant to you. [Evidently alienation is the consequence of not participating. Somehow I doubt that will be motivational.]

A small band of pirates officially declared war on my small corporation in Eve Online yesterday. This means that they now have the right to attack members of the League of the Tiger and Tentacle (my corp), even in Empire space. (Normally, Empire space is "safe" and the in-game police would destroy them for shooting at us.) I don't know why they chose us really, as we aren't movers and shakers. Maybe they thought we'd make easy targets. But, they also bit off a good deal more than they will be able to swallow if they actually want to fight, as we have several adequately-skilled players and a small host of allies willing to fight for us. Horse Killers, as the pirate corp is called, has a week to take advantage of their official war declaration before it runs out and they'll have to pay to renew it again. I'm planning on ignoring them for the time being to assess their actual threat level. My suspicion is that they are like bratty toddlers looking for attention, and that if we ignore them they'll get bored and go away.

And if not, then the League will get out the wooden spoon and it will be spanking time. >:)

An article about infidelity in the US and Europe

Read this article about infidelity (which is a bit long for the internet). It'll take maybe 5-10 minutes. Then post your response here in the comments section. Try not to comment on the author or on the quality of the article itself, but on the broader topic and what thoughts or feelings it stirs in you. You can post anonymously if you want.

Today's Lunch Menu

From Thai Kitchen brand:

One package of rice noodles
One small packet of peanut oil
One packet of seasonings

From the office water cooler/heater:

Hot water
One small spider


It fell out of the cooler and I watched it die. In my food. It was relatively quick, but it certainly looked painful, perhaps for both of us. I plucked it from my meal and ate the rest. But only after finding a leg left on the side of the plastic dish after bite number two.

Today's Lunch Menu

Courtesy of O'Betty's Red Hot!:

One "Tempest" dog with all the good stuff that burns just right
One order of fresh-cut, skin-on fries with malt vinegar and catsup
One Frosty Top brand Vanilla Caramel Creme Soda

Michael McKean

Stop wastin' my time
You know what I want!
Or maybe you don't
Do I have to come right out and say it?
Give me some mo-ney!
Give me some mo-ney!

Laying it out there.

These are things that I feel like just need to be said. And I wish that other people could accept them.

I have a gruff, forward disposition that can comes across as mean. I rarely think of it as being mean when I say whatever I'm saying. Something happens in the transition from thought to communication that junks it up. While I would love for my communication habits and thought patterns in this area to change radically, admittedly this is highly unlikely. It would take too much effort, patience, and consistent feedback--three things in short supply at the moment.

I love my wife all the time, even when I am seemingly mean to her. Even when we have fights and disagreements and are actively not liking each other. Even when I push her away, I usually want her close. But for reasons I have an incredibly difficult time controlling, I play "hard to get".

I want to be wanted, but I often unintentionally make people "prove" it by working for it (see above). There is so much packed into this thought, and I can't say any more right now.

No gnus like good gnus

I don't have anything to say, really. Just wanted to let you know that there is still blood pumping through my arteries. So I guess that qualifies me as being alive. :)

This weekend was a bit of a roller coaster. Nothing happened on Friday, so I played computer games most of the night. This was fine and fun, since I didn't get to play much at all the week prior. I woke up at noon on Saturday, a sign of sleep deprivation from earlier in the week. That's becoming the norm, which is also fine. In some strange way it helps me feel alive, I think because I'm not on a regular schedule. Saturday night Sarah and I went to go see The Jarts. They are an exceedingly talented band, and I hope they continue to make music as well crafted as what they've already got. Their current rough recordings on MySpace really don't do them justice at all.

I don't go to many music shows anymore, although it isn't really on purpose. I like going, but I also really don't like going to music shows. They make me feel horribly self-conscious, inadequate, and jealous. I think about what people think about me sitting there, I compare myself to the musicians playing (I'm usually either better than them or will never be), and I wish I was someone more motivated to pursue things and finish them. It doesn't matter that these things don't make sense or are untrue or are irrelevant. It's just where I live while I'm there. The good part of me going to shows is that in most cases I walk away with a renewed sense of "I could do that" or at least "I want to do that," and usually one new batch of lyrics, good or bad.

I do really like to go see music though, because if it's good, it takes me somewhere else. To that place where I wish I could live all the time, where things are important and meaningful and honest. Transcendent is a good word for it. In some stupid way it feels like a more accurate representation of life itself, every moment pulsing, distilled from what we're normally caked with.

In other news, I am feeling angry and alone, and had weird, restless sci-fi dreams last night. And the response I can normally expect from the people I wish would help me is a pitiless, "Get over yourself. Deal with your own problems." And this makes me feel more angry and alone.

I wish Liz was in Athens for a bit, or Jessi M formerly D. Those two in particular are excellent for beers and bitching. In a healthy sort of way.

Also, I find myself liking Freezepop, the result of playing Guitar Hero 2.

a free write that will eventually be more structured and to which a friend commented "that accurately represents thoughts i have while sitting here"

Partition. Faceless voice. Black screen. No windows. no sunlight, fresh air, contact, direction. acoustic absorbency. drop ceiling yellowed except for the new ones with rain stains. abandoned recycling pile. paper. service activity log. receipts. sign out. initiative. responsibility. sign in. weekly schedule. program schedule. reporting schedule. on hold. occurrence. staff meeting. buzzing lights. squeaking fan belts. phone calls. 15 minute break. busy work. productivity. billable hours. turnover. mandatory. training. so quiet. so loud. if passion, compassion, heart, wisdom, hope, camaraderie, morale, vision, respect, creativity were veins we'd be cutting ourselves. we'd be cutters. attendance sheets. recruitment. confidentiality. pressboard furniture. keys. backup of backup copy. fiscal. bad coffee. beige & gray. beige & gray. beige & gray. maintenance. intercom. insects.

Fear of the Future

So, I feel like I am freaking out at work today. With two very good friends gone or on their way out, I'm having a hard time coping. I have a new program to try to recruit for today, which also makes me very uneasy. It's a program that has no vision or direction, yet I am expected to pull it together into something marketable for next year's grants. And all the work my coworkers had been doing is being redistributed to the rest of us, and all of it is the "undesirable" work no one gets excited about doing. Top this all off with a failure to adequately pay all the bills last night. I'm floating, but I am not swimming.

Is it bad that I heard Cingular is hiring cell phone sales clerks...and it sounded like a good career move? ("Hey, I would get a free cell phone! I don't even have a cell phone!")

Today I helped another friend write a letter of resignation [which I have edited for your viewing]

[Practitioners of Fellatio]--

I quit. I'm tired of getting my [testacles] chewed for petty [feces] by a moody, mean person. I shouldn't have to deal with this, and I'm not going to. This job was exceedingly boring and trite anyway, and I just can't find it in my heart to get my productivity up to 50% when there's only 10% of work to be done period. I'd ask for several days of my life back, but why bother. My last day will be Friday, March 9, 2007. I already cleaned the cars this week.

It's not the apples that are bad, it's the barrel you're putting them in,

A. Schlagashitz

anger, frustration

Today my good friend at work was pressured into quitting by our emotionally unbalanced, unprofessional, out-of-touch and under-qualified supervisor. Then my friend was made to leave immediately, instead of abiding by the 2 week notice.

I am crushed and outraged. I do not know what to do.

The wheels are in motion. I will do something. She has hurt too many people as a result of her ignorance.

Someone help me find a job. It needs to pay at least $20k with benefits or $24k without.

a grief observed

This was a small but touching moment that I experienced yesterday. I wanted to soak it in, but really didn't get the opportunity. So I'll just share it with you and you can make fun of me.

As I was driving to church in the morning, I got off the highway and noticed a bright red fluff laying on the side of the off ramp. It was a dramatic, if small, brilliance against the whiteness of the fresh snow. Apparently, a male cardinal had been hit by a car and died there. I thought is was strange because you generally don't see too many small birds getting hit by cars. Crows and buzzards maybe, but not cardinals.

Later that day I was headed back into town via the same route to attend a Super Bowl party at a friend's house. I came down the ramp looking for the cardinal's body. It had snowed a little more since the morning. Instead of seeing the bright red feathers, I saw the drab grey and red of a female cardinal, hovering on the ground near the spot where her mate had been laying. She was clearly agitated and cold. If you've ever just sort of had one of "those moments", this was one for me. I recognized that they were just simple birds, but I wanted to stop and observe, to participate in what the female cardinal was experiencing. Can you comfort or empathize with a bird? Being in a car and moving, I didn't really get the chance anyway because I was expected somewhere else, and it was cold outside anyway.

On a related and more human note, my boss' brother died late last week. My boss got the news while we were in a staff meeting here, so many of us witnessed his initial grief. He was back at work today and I wanted to comfort him in some way, but I don't know any way that is meaningful or that conveys my true caring. We just don't have that close of a relationship, and he is getting that kind of support from other friends and family more "appropriate" to the task. So that leaves me with this awkward sense of something unfulfilled. Maybe I'll just write him a note.

Now I Will Make Fun of Paul

You see, I have this friend, Paul, and he claims to be a veeeeery busy man. He works all the time and doesn't have much time to hang out with people outside of his work time, he says. Yet I have noticed a certain trend of late, one that I will now reveal to the world. Or maybe just to you reading this. It is a simple observation, yet I do believe it will leave you stunned and amazed. And forever change your viewing of weblogs. And you will, perhaps, join me in this harassment.

For being such a very busy man, you see, Paul seems to have plenty of time to post comments on the blogs of others. Not only does he find ample to time to post comments, he is very often the very first person to post a comment. Pulling a quick and non-exhaustive survey from a few of the blogs linked at the right, let's call these Exhibits A through F. Please check the comments sections of the following blog entries, noting the reoccurring first-poster:

A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.

I will now leave you to continue this research by your own observation, being advised that upon having his behavior publicly displayed, he might retreat from the behavior for a time. Or perhaps not.

Also, please be advised that the reason I choose to harass is because I like Paul alot (as one word) and want to hang out with him outside of work, but he is busy. So I make fun of him.

CPR training

Yesterday I was in a CPR training all morning, following along with Connie and Ryan on the video as they demonstrated how to perform rescue breaths on children. I've had all this before, so it was mostly just par for the course. There was one thing, however, that really surprised me. You're all familiar, I assume, with the classic, internationally recognized sign for choking: putting both hands around your throat as if you were actually choking yourself. I learned something quite surprising in yesterday's training. I guess there's a new international sign for choking. I don't know what was wrong with the old one or whatever, but here's what the new internationally-recognized sign for choking looks like:












Ha ha. Sports humor.

Proof of God: catchy subtitle about people being silly goes here

I find these days that when I'm looking for an emotional confirmation that God exists--you know, that warm or overwhelming feeling--I usually turn to nature and just absorb its beautiful complexity and simpleness. But of course that's not a viable proof of God's existence because c'mon, that warm feeling in your bosom is what Mormons use as confirmation of their salvation, and I can get that warm feeling from seeing a kitten.

I like kittens.

So let's try this instead. Here we are, as humans, the top of the heap when it comes to intelligent animal life on this planet. (Now, I recognize that some people might want to debate this and talk about gorillas or dolphins or something. Those people are dumb.) We do stuff, lots of stuff, like build things and invent things and understand things. The list goes on. We almost have cool spaceships, for example. And other animals don't do nearly what we do. I mean, has a monkey ever invented a jet engine? No. And don't leave any comments about how funny it would be. Monkeys are overrated. Now, a shark in a race car? We're talking awesome.

Back to task. Humans. Lots of them. For a long time. And all of us, always, have had thoughts about our impending mortality. It's quite the defining moment of our lives. And some things are constant throughout the history of people: we kill each other, we love each other, we make things, we think things. And we have a very hard time accepting that we might be a cosmic accident or that our lives have no meaning. Although it takes many forms, we are really stuck on this idea of otherworld. Other than all the empires and killing and inventions and exploitation and cultural movements (the history-book history, if you will), we are really stuck on the idea that there is a High Power or whatever out there, even if in the end we choose as individuals not to believe in such things.

I guess the point I'm dancing around is that, for as advanced as we are as a people, why hasn't this simple affection for eternal matters been systematically bred out of us by evolution or intellectual/cultural development? For all our greatness, why do we still get stuck on the God issue? It doesn't matter that we don't agree on the interpretation of who/what this eternal nature of the universe is. Dogs don't have gods or religion. Giraffes either.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."


PS: I believe in Jesus and the God of the Hebrews (and in the bible alone) because of all the ways to interpret this sense of the eternal, I think He makes the best case. And because of that warm feeling in my bosom when I look at the mountains or kittens.

Noitul Over to Border

Today at work I had an actual, working, productive meeting in which I and my coworkers were heard by my bosses and we came to some nice conclusions about our current direction with one particularly lame program we keep trying to reinvent. Then, I spent the rest of the day eating my lunch, checking my email, and learning all about science and scientific things through the incredible BBC program Look Around You. British TV seems to often be better than American TV. Worst part? I can't get the DVDs because they don't make them in US DVD format. Confound it!

Also, at some point now that google owns blogger and youtube, I'm hoping they'll make the two compatible again so I can just post these things on my blog without having to link. Egads!

Time for danishes

They are having a meeting of community big-wigs in the next room, and I am waiting to pilfer their leftover danishes. As they as currently dismissing, I will now pause...

...for raspberry danish consumption. Cheap, but not horrible.

Ah, what to say in this delightfully public forum? Who knows. I am on the cusp of new things. I can feel the horizon nearing. I don't know how to be more clear exactly. I am awakening to my potential as a risk-taker, as an inspiration, as a creator, as a leader.

In the recent past I was worried about money a great deal. This was mainly because I had no other direction to take. Since I was in the doldrums, it made sense to focus on finances as a means to stability because there was no other meaning. While this is still the case, it is less important than it was. But what does all this mean? I hesitate to say, because I don't want to get pegged to anything. I'm not interested in making commitments or declarations about anything specific at this point because the wind is still blowing and I haven't yet gotten my bearings or heading. I am built to be an influencer and creator, and for the longest time I was afraid to explore these things. I am still afraid, but no longer willing to tolerate the paralysis. Don't expect big things. In fact, expect nothing, because that is what I expect. Significance and meaning can be assigned after the fact, and serves little purpose in the present. And besides, if all this collapses then I don't need the added stress of failed expectation. Expectation has been my enemy for so long, perhaps even what has kept me from acting at all.

Perfectionism, you bastard!

League of the Tiger and Tentacle

That's the name of my make-believe corporation. It makes make-believe money, which I use to buy make-believe space ships, which in turn get blown up by make-believe space pirates. Pie Rates.

Here's something very strange. The League of the Tiger and Tentacle (a.k.a, the League, LTT) is becoming exceedingly multinational. Last night, we got a new member - a Russian guy living in Moscow. He owns a paintball field, but the Russian winter has closed it for the time being. My three Australian corpmates (as they are commonly called) live in South Central Australia, more commonly known as the outback. This is the outback a la Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee, not Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. It seems very bleak where they live. And they don't have crocodiles or koalas where they live, or even Foster's beer. Which is apparently a bad Australian beer, perhaps comparable to bad American Budweiser. And it's always 13.5 hours ahead of here there, which usually means it's tomorrow for them. And I know very little about my English corpmate because he's the hardest one to meet online, although he is smart and nice. Timezones can be a real pain when you're trying to catch people online in a game.


There are over 30,000 people that play this game at the same time. How is it that I seem to find all the people from other countries, when at least 1/3 (most likely closer to 1/2 to 2/3) of the people playing are Americans? I really don't mind, in fact I enjoy it greatly. Makes for lively and interesting conversations. (Particularly since the Russian is not a native English speaker.) Makes me laugh a little. I try to sucker more of my local friends into playing the game all the time, but instead I make friends in other countries. Also makes me stay up significantly later than most people would consider reasonable, particularly for work nights.

See you in space.

cat pee

So, Ellen was over this weekend, and she brought her dogs. Evidently this was too much for Atticus to handle, and he hid in our bedroom much of the time. And peed on my clean laundry at some point. Now, I should know to put away my clean laundry rather than leave it in the basket, but I hate folding laundry and I'm just going to wear those clothes again anyway. I suspect that his peeing was actually a stress/retaliation peeing, but who can say. This is the main trouble with having skittish cats, particularly quasi-ferals. Dagnabbit.

What else to say? I've been discouraging my fellow employees with the information I recieved at the conference. I also noticed that my agency should have been represented in the survey, or at least they would have been sent one. Which begs the questions: Did anyone fill out the survey? and Was that person deliberately sketchy in reporting or just quite significantly out of touch with the day to day of this place? Either option is feasible here. Sigh.

In other news, EVE is going well. My corporation (and Kevin's) is developing, and I now have four corp members in other countries: 3 in South Australia and 1 in England. And they are all nice people that I would allow to stay at my house if they came to visit. And also, the kitchen floor is very near to completion. I just need to install the threshold transitions, which requires some cutting and finagling of some carpet pieces...and of a door. But the kitchen looks much improved, thanks to the initiative of my wife.

This is a title

I hate my job. It is loathsome and disdainful to me. So desperately do I want to quit, particularly on days like today, when I had a failed early morning program (2 attendees) and then I get to sit here all ever-lovin' day until I do a late night program too. The only good news is that I don't have to be here until 1pm tomorrow. I want to bitch about how much it sucks, but I really just want to scream, and probably cry, except that I'm male, so emotion rarely comes out as crying. Anger and frustration. Anger that this job is so unsupportive and misguided. Frustration that I see no clearer future ahead of me. Both that I make so little money and feel devalued.

We get paid $4000 less than the lowest amount made by other people doing this job in Ohio. I learned that at a conference. And, administrators try to hide that from us by leaving out (or whiting out, in days past) how much money we are supposed to be paid according to the grants we work under. They only give us the grant info that has the outcome numbers in it, none of the budget stuff. So I should say something, right? Maybe if they actually cared or would listen. And people have been doing do for years anyway, from what I hear. And all it gets them is on the Black List.

I hope Aaron is enjoying his day off today.

I have a headache, and I want to go to sleep. I was tempted to lie and call in sick today. And I was tempted to just quit today without notice. But O yeah, I don't have the money to buy groceries until Friday, so I probably shouldn't quit.

My titles are purple

I am a jerk, I think, though unintentionally and somewhat unapologetically so. I am sometimes arrogant, or is it confident? They blend too easily. The purpose of this post is to start thinking and unwinding why it is that I am not a gentle person. I desire to be a gentle person. You don't hear many people talking about gentleness, but it's one of the vaunted Fruits O' the Spirit, and that's not even close to the only time gentleness is advised, recommended, or suggested in ye olde Bible. It's kind of like how we never talk about gossip and greed often being listed among the naughty sexy sins we'd rather talk about, like adultery and homosexuality and drunkenness. Gossip? Yep.

Read that last chapter of Galatians to see what I mean. You'll see gentleness tucked right in there with love, joy, peace and the other quintessential Christian traits. And I think I used to be gentle, at some point. Or was that naivity? It's too hard to separate. What I know is that over time I have become more confident in what I know and understand about the world and about myself, and less tolerant of "falsehood," be it in culture or another person.

Anyway, I want to know more about gentleness, and I want to stop blaming my culture for who and what I am. But I most likely won't. I want God to change me so I can't take credit for doing it myself. Because I will take credit for doing it myself, and that will probably mean that I haven't actually achieved the goal of change. It'll be some reasonably mistakable facsimile of change instead.

And here's another separate issue: Just when I get content that God is distant and does not control every aspect of earthly life, then someone starts talking about how personal God is and how He lives with us and is active among us. And then I get bitter again and have to start all over because I want to believe those things, but I have not found them to be true or satisfying.

i hate titles

I disapprove of my job, but I find myself now in a dilemma. Do I sit here and protest either passively or actively, or do I play the good employee and toe the party line? The agency that I work for is hung up on money, and most of our administrators have forgotten, seemingly, what it is to be broken. This is my assessment, and it is not a fair one. Anyway, I'm torn. I want to do a good job here and be liked, but I'm not inclined to buy anyone's rhetoric either. I don't know how to be the good guy.

In this slippery place, I feel I'm losing my footing. Not knowing which direction to pursue, I am headed toward a least common denominator - my attitude and quality of work are slipping. Well, not the quality of the services that I provide, but my dedication to doing the paperwork and reporting (now in triplicate in some cases) is crumbling. I fear that if I don't get out of here soon, I'll leave knowing in my own head that I did good and quality work, but I might not have the good reference to back it up. This is the sort of agency that prizes the facade of paperwork and vague reports over the sterner measure of whether the work actually had an impact. As long as we look good to the funders.

I am frustrated. I've also spent 11 of my last 16 hours of work sitting at my desk doing nothing. Well, not doing nothing. You Tube has vastly improved in content since my last perusal. I was today able to watch several episodes of "Look Around You" and several Monty Python's Flying Circus sketches, including the Cheese Shop and How Not to be Seen. You must watch these videos. I assign this task to you as a comedic mandate. By reading these words, you have accepted the charge.

The end is nigh?

I've entirely lost focus for this weblog. I don't feel the impulse to maintain it that I used to, and I have a really hard time coming up with regular content. ('When did you feel this impulse?' you ask? A long time ago.) I just don't know what to write about here. So, now it's tour turn. Post some comments and tell me what sorts of things you want this weblog to be about. Do it now or else.