A gift.

This past Sunday, God gave me this word:


Mercy

This is a genuine journal article. Be advised.

I wrote this a week or three ago. I guess this is a reasonable description of where I've been living for the past undefined expanse of time--not in a dramatic or you-should-be-concerned kind of way, more like my subconscious mindset...a pillar of thought upon which many other things rest.


In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.

And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.

This will be worth your while.

Stuff On My Cat.

Swear your brains out.

So. Here we are. And it seems like it's time for another one of those honest discussions. This time the topic is swearing and its appropriateness, for all people in general, but for those claiming to be Christians in particular.

The rules are the same as always: feel free to post whatever you wish as long as you are being respectful, honest, and tasteful, and also feel free to post anonymously. "Tasteful" is here defined as "don't be rude or crass for the sake of being rude or crass."

Here's what I'd like to start with: pussy, dick, cunt, etc. I think we can all agree that the "magic" (or lack thereof) in any swear word lies in the semantics: i.e., words only mean what we say/think/feel they mean. That being the case, why is there a gradient of vulgarity in those three words? Personally, I'm very offended by the use of any of the three in any context. They are equally offensive because they have the same meaning.

Here's topic two, when you've sounded off on the first (which is very important, I think). I'm interested in hearing about your personal guidelines/boundaries for saying swear words: in what contexts do you curse? how do you decide what is okay and what isn't? what offends you? what doesn't? who offends you? who doesn't?

The end of GCH

In all practical ways, the band (Ghostrunner Come Home) has dissolved. Seems short-lived, mostly because we only played two shows, I think. Came apart for several reasons, with "artistic differences" only a small portion. I'm a little disappointed, but I also feel free again. Time to go back to my original gameplan: keep making the music I like, and wait for people to come along who understand the vision and have the time to contribute. For me personally, I fell away from that gameplan and got in a rush to put things together when the pieces weren't quite there. It's weird, because this is one of those instances where maybe I could be bitter or maybe feel relieved. Another failed band or a fun couple months. I choose to feel relieved. And it certainly was fun to play with others, even if it was less than ideal. I'm not posting anything on the GCH site yet because I still have to talk with our bass player about it. I'm sure he's pieced it together by now, but I want to at least end this thing with dignity. Besides, the saddest part of GCH's breakup for me is that I no longer have a "natural" reason to hang out with Adam, though I really enjoy hanging out with him. Maybe there's more musical futuredom ahead.

this is not a direct response to previous comments, more like a free-write based on my current experience

It's a good idea to write to the guy's family, but it's the sort of thing I don't do. Not intentionally. I'm one of those "road to hell is paved with good intentions" people. In some sense I would very much like to write to the guy's family, for my own sake and not their, but I never do that kind of thing, no matter how good an idea I may believe it to be. Hell, I can't even write to my own family about the impact my now-months-dead cousin had on my life. The funeral aanouncement is still sitting right here on this damn desk, with "good intentions" all over it. And I have another important letter to write that is even more overdue than that one.

Why am I saying this? To refute well-doers? No. Because it's just the honest truth. It's the observable reality of my life. I don't do many of the things that "should" be done. I have excuses. I have unreachable anxieties. I have fears of the unknown. This isn't news to most human beings. I hate hate hate being wired this way. I feel that it leaves me where I find myself. Which isn't a bad place at all, it's just an ambiguous, unidentifiable, directionless place. "Take heart/courage! I have overcome the world!"

Feel free to post all your favorite swear words. I realize that it was unfair of me to end my post that way last time. Like some crazy art film or novel that robs you of the cathartic ending you've been led to expect. Besides, I think the juxtaposition of the two comment sets has the potential to be amusing, at least until I get more sleep. Off to bed.

ChEEse and RICE! GOT DANdruff, and sumovititches!

sounding bored

I have had nothing to say. I don't like writing about how my days have been going, and I don't want to write about what other things have been going on in my life because they are either still in flux or are too personal for public consumption. I still want to swear on my blog. So I think I am going to. Shit. Swear words look different to me when written, compared to when spoken. Particularly the "F" word, which I typed, but then chickened out and erased. It seems more crass to me written. I don't want to be crass, I want to be myself. But this is not the place to be so, says wisdom.

"Punk-ass bitches" is my favorite string of swear words, when forced to exclude "pinko commie bastards". I also like the way "What the flying seventh level of hell?!" rolls off the tongue.

Yesterday I found out that a man I knew and appreciated was found dead on the street of my town late Thursday night, most likely the result of a pill & alcohol overdose. His funeral was on SUnday and his remains were cremated. This makes grieving awkward for me because I didn't know him very well, and now my avenues of closure have passed by. I'll get over it, but he was one of those guys that I was really rooting for. In those moments when I could see past his addiction, he was a really great person. I am sad that his life and the lives of many many people are dominated and controlled by addiction, and I'm not just talking about the abuse of substances.

NTLP Day

Ahoy, me hearties! Here we be, between a chaos moon and the briney deep, making our fortunes how e'er we may. Load them cannons and prepare for the broadsides! All hands! A pox upon the scurvy dogs what tries to stop us tonight!

A thought on democracy

A few days ago something occured to me while I was watching an episode of the West Wing and the show was waxing patriotic about the glory and pride of democracy, American gift to the world. This happens on the show every third episode or so, and most of the time it tugs my humanitarian heart strings. This time, however, I was struck with a touch of irony. Democracy prides itself in that people get to choose their own ruler, and if we don't like the ruler we have chosen, then we can pick another one. But the idea is that we rule ourselves, sort of. For some reason the passionate speech in this recent episode made me think of the Israelites' choice to anoint Saul as their ruler and king instead of keeping God as ruler and king. They doggedly decided that they wanted a man to rule over them, so they picked the most comely among them (or Samuel did, I guess, or God did, depending on how you want to look at it).

I guess it just makes me skeptical of all the freedom we champion here in the US. Not that I want to live under a tyranical, genocidal megalomaniac. I just wonder a little if "self rule" is really something as grand...or safe... as we're programmed to desire and believe. All of humanity wants it because it's the only way we all get to rule: "you can have yours but don't touch mine" at its finest. But as history unfolds and time passes, I find mself wondering if democracy will make any practical difference in the world at all. The world keeps turning, people keep living and dying, same as we have made a habit of doing. The same, if not more, evil and cruelty happen in the world today than ever before, and I'm often torn as to whether democracy (particularly coupled with capitalism) helps or hurts more. We'll see, I guess, as the great human experiment continues, with and without us.

see you at the Pole

Sarah and I went to Cincinnati this weekend for our anniversary. It was one of the best times we've had in a long time, and was looong overdue. Anyway, we stayed at a nice-ish hotel and had a good time swimming and watching cable tv. On my way down to to the first floor to get some ice for our cooler Saturday morning, I was interrupted by one of the maidstaff who happened to notice that I was wearing a Polish soccer jersey. She made mention of this fact by speaking to me in Polish. Without a greeting in English. She, in fact, was a native Pole, working in the American hotel. It was a dream come true, except it was a nightmare...because I don't speak Polish. See, my grandparents came off the boat from Poland. The other side of my family is also almost entirely comprised of ex-Poles. In fact, I'm 7/8ths Polish, 1/8th Irish. A good mix, really, (lots of potatoes and cabbage) but irrelevant. The point is that I have hoped and planned at some point in my life to learn to speak Polish and to have a real, live conversation in Polish with a real, live Pole. And now I've blown my one opportunity. It was handed to me, in a natural setting on a silver platter and I wasn't prepared. I kicked myself all day for it. Sigh.

In other news, you should go see the Newport Aquarium near Cinci. I went through it three times in one day(it was that good), and I think I would live there, if they'd let me. I was awestruck (as usual). If someone asked me to prove to them that there is a God, I would take them to an aquarium.

ps: my apologies to commenters, but from now on you'll have to go through a safety check to post comments (to make sure you're human). Please don't let this stop you. I just figured that you were probably already getting enough ads for boner pills in your email, so you probably didn't need the ones that were showing up on my blog comments section.

Conservative Rant #2

>First, in regard to the last article, I want to clarify: I don't think anyone should use the political/economic system that way, but I do recognize that it is legal to do so in this bless'd country, and I think it's ridiculous and hypocritical for the left to get offended at the right's using these tactics. I'm not saying I think they or anyone should use them. I'm saying the left is bitter and sanctimonious. If that chafes you, then you'll enjoy the reversal in today's posting. Read on, gentle pilgrim.

>Second, read this. Sarah sent me that article more recently. Below is my response to it.

If conservative Christians are nutty, this is what makes them nutty. I think they are definitely persecuted, and that they are certainly singled out more than most other groups. (Who doesn't love to hate Christians?) But I think that at this point they have a victim complex. Over the years of seeing morality decline, they've (we've) not been able to come up with a significant strategy to reclaim those lost lives and correct a maligned perspective. (Not that anything was ever close to perfect.) In the wake of these changes, they think that society's move towards hedonism is a personal attack against them. Or maybe they feel secretly guilty for "letting" it happen--as if they were the wardens of cultural morality. (And maybe we are that, I never know, but we shouldn't feel guilty regardless.) They no longer seem to recognize the power and influence they have. Rather, they DO recognize it, but do not use it to it's full potential in appropriate ways.

By using so much energy to continuously cry foul, they miss opportunities to affect real change by being what we are supposed to be: a light on a hill, salt in a tasteless world. I mean that they're wasting breath saying things that are not full of humility or hope or peace or joy or love or self-control. Instead, they are spouting bile, resentment, envy, and aggression--all the things the world loves to mock us for, when we slip into them. They are forgetting that we are supposed to turn the other cheek when someone strikes us.

But now we're getting into a discussion of how American nationalism and Christianity have become intertwined, like a bastard child that feels he is heir to the throne. The historical American sense of rebellion and "we're not going to take this!" seems to be guiding them, and I think there's a strong sense of "civil rights for Christians too, while you're at it!" We've forgotten that when it comes down to it, we are supposed to be persecuted. That's part of our normal lot in life as Christians. We're supposed to be wary of the wolves, not try to stomp them out. "In the world you will have trouble. But take courage for I have overcome the world." Does that sound familiar?

Reader Response: Conservative Rant #1

First read this. Sarah sent it to me awhile back. What follows is my response to the "news" article in question.

I think it is remarkable how short-sighted people can be. Hello? Maybe I'm the only one that realizes that this is America, and that these "theocratic fundamentalists" are only doing what the laws of this land allow them to do. The only reason why the lefties get so pissed is because they want to turn the country in a different direction...by using the same process of laws and persuasion. The hypocrisy is astounding, and the denial regarding that hypocrisy is more so. This is one of those issues that I have opinions on, but would love to debate over because my opinions are not concrete. There are probably angles that I could consider, to make my opinion more solid.

This is considered JOURNALISM? You're supposed to consider this unbiased and truthful?! This website is a joke. I got pretty upset when he said, "..... Call it a new, 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not advertise" if the religious primitives smell sin." Religious primitives? What the flying eighth level of hell do you think YOU are? An Enlightened Sophisticate?

This is difficult for me, because I honestly think homosexuality is a mental/social disorder and that we are doing gays a disservice by trying to legitimize and rationalize dysfunction. This kind of thing is happening in a broad sense across the mental health field. In many cases it’s legitimate, but in many other cases I feel like it’s ‘bleed-through compassion’—misjudging the nature of the illness by comparing it in approach to other illnesses.

Arg. To summarize, I say: more power to the Righties. They are using capitalism and democracy to achieve their goals. I may not agree with all or many of the things they support, but they’re going about it the right way. Which, coincidentally, is the way the Lefties have made most of their ground in recent years. (With a strong dose of public opinion shaping, but that’s another essay.) I think the Lefties are just pissed that the Righties have woken up, are gaining ground, and are playing the game by the rules.

I adjourn. Thanks for this, maybe we can talk more later. I think I might print this and get feedback from others.

Fair Trade Info

If you have 5-15 minutes, check out this website. Then come back and post your thoughts. This is a topic that interests and concerns me, but one that I feel inadequately unknowledgeable about. (How's them for big words?) Maybe that "unknowledge" is what perpetuates and enables the cycle and system. That's my theory anyway. What's your take?

(ps: Thanks to my brother Noah for sending me to the site.)

Nevermind that last part.

Watch this instead.

I'm bored of blogging

I have nothing to say. I feel like I'm keeping this up just to give people to check up on, but I have nothing to check up on. What would you like to know about? I haven't mouthed off in awhile. Maybe I'm not feeling very passionate.

For some odd reason...

...all I want to do is post swear words these days. Bad ones. Not in any context but their own. And not because I'm angry. More because I'm feeling mischievous. There's a better word for it, but I can't think of it. You tell me what it is.

ps: I'm only sparing you because this isn't a real journal. I don't want to deal with all the confusion and concern it would garner, because few people realize that sometimes I'm this way just because I want to be.

Hello, every buddy!

Imagine Grover from Sesame Street said that. It's funnier.

I have been neglecting this weblog, unintentionally. I don't have much time at home these days to do this. Or maybe I'm not making time. Or maybe I don't have as many things to say. Or maybe I don't have as many provocative things to say as I thought I did. Or maybe I'm too chicken to write them.

My birthday happened recently. The 28th anniversary of the day of my birth. The people at work waited until I was out of the office, then they put up pictures of me all over the building. And they were very thorough. I should state that the pictures were actually just of my face superimposed onto Yoda's and Darth Vader's bodies. On the day before my birthday, I went with some friends to Rio Grande, a delicious authentic Mexican restaurant. Quality cheap food is my favorite. On my proper birthday, my in-laws humored me by braving the new frontier of Japanese steakhousedom in Parkersburg. A fun time was had by all. And a hearty portion of delicious food as well. Anywhere the chef sets the table on fire, twirls knives, and throws food at your face after cooking it in front of you, well, that's a place I can support, encourage, and thoroughly enjoy. Reasonable prices mean I'm definitely going back someday.

Kevin bought me a new Star Wars minis starter for my birthday, and I'll most likely be spending a hearty portion of my birthday money on more minis, purchased from my cousin's exquisite store. If they weren't so cool, I wouldn't have to buy them. (Don't even ask how many times I've actually played them. It's pathetically embarassing how much I've invested in these little plastic creatures.) (And droids.) I'm also buying a Boba Fett comic book series from him.

I would like to have a serious conversation. But I don't know what about.

Check out the band's weblog for an update on the rest of the recording process.

Sorry I haven't been around

Well, I am. I haven't much time to do this at home anymore, and I haven't the courage to post from work, or maybe I have the sensibilities to know not to.

I would like to vacate for two weeks. I would like to Take Kevin and Chris with me. We would drive and drive and not shower. And look at mountains and feel the hot sun and praise our God for His beauty and and creativity and perfection.

I like Greg Booth

And I wish we had the opportunity to become better friends. It's true.


On an unrelated note, I can feel another road trip coming up. Maybe not too soon, but I sure hope so. I want to see the Lonely Mountain one more time.

Ghostrunner songs for downloading!!

Go to the Ghostrunner Come Home weblog for directions on how to get your very own copies of Lamppost and Shady Days! Get 'em while they're hot!

"...old friends long gone."

It makes me sad that things happen to good friendships. Time happens sometimes, or distance. Sometimes I desire heaven more for the reunion and company of friends than for the presence of God. It reminds me of Frodo and Sam parting company. I wish I could spend my whole life just having good friendships with people, not working som estupid job for money or anything else. Really going deep, talking bravely about serious things, trusting each other, having awesome fun, experiencing.

I made some lists of people I wished I knew better, or wished lived closer. But I deleted them, because I don't want to ostracise anyone. I also made a list of people that I wish I had not been mean to, but I deleted it because I didn't want to reveal anyone's identity...or leave anyone off accidentally.

If you want to comment on your relationship with me, email me. I'll email you back. Use whatever email address you have, or use my general email: secretninjaattack@yahoo.com

Sex before getting married

Thanks to all who posted about sex. That conversation is still open and thriving, if you want to check on it from time to time.

Something seemed to come up a few times in the recent discussion, so I figured we could give it it's own thread. What do you think about having sex before getting married, or about the importance of saving it until marriage? I'd like to hear from the Christians in the audience in particular, but everyone and anyone is welcome to post. Talk about your feelings, thoughts, facts, experiences, guidelines...

Same rules for posting apply as before: keep it PG-13. You are more than welcome to post anonymously, but please refer to yourself with a nickname or callsign at least, so we can tell who's who.

"You sexy thing"

Time to be candid!

What are your thoughts and feelings about [gasp!]: sex. (For you fellow Net Nanniers out there, the phonetic topic here is "seks", spelled with only three letters.)

Open discussion. Anything goes: what you like, don't like, cultural critiques, personal feelings and thoughts, concerns, issues...whatever. Including posting anonymously. In fact, please consider posting anonymously, if it will help you be more honest and real.

Fear not! As long as you're NOT being provocative and it stays PG-13, you stand a good chance of not being censored. ; ) I've been musing on this myself, and invite you to share your musings as well. Be as personal or as distant as you like, but be aware that I'm aiming for 1.honesty and 2.safety. Is it possible to find those things together on the 'net?

Let's see what happens, shall we?

Cadet Squid, reporting, sir.

The show Saturday night was good. Thanks to all eight of the attendees. I'm surprised you even heard about it. Also, thanks to Geoff Osterland, without whom I don't think anyone at all would have come. Well, except our three wives. I did end up trying to play that newly finished song. Key word words: "trying to." I think over all it will be a good song...when I can either remember all the words or at least read them off the page effectively.

Work is going well. Meaning, most of the scheduled stuff is winding down. It's taking much longer to wind down than I had hoped. I need to unwind, but all these crazy events need to wind down before that can happen.

Ok. Bye.

Songwriting and musical shows

Last night I saw Brooke Williams and Jake Householder perform. It was very good. I spent much of the time writing stuff down. It seems that the only time I can write lyrics anymore are when I'm hearing other music, live music in particular. Lyrics have not come easily for me for awhile now, so I try to take advantage of every free-flowing opportunity.

Upon arriving home, I started practicing for my own show tonight, seeing as I wouldn't have much other time to do so. I stayed up until 1am finishing a half-song that I've had for a long time. The words at the end always had me stuck. So, now I have an ending. And against my better judgement, I'm going to try to play it tonight. It's weird, because I think I have gotten comfortable playing with a band, but I'm feeling really nervous about performing alone. I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm just noting anxieties I haven't felt in awhile.

In other news, the Ghostrunner Come Home recording is finished. It just needs to be EQ'd and mixed, then posted online somewhere. Soon, faithful friends, soon. And I am really impressed with the sounds we got, considering how quickly we laid everything down.

SW RotS

It is awesome. It has restored my enjoyment of/faith in SW. I will see it nine times.

At Long Last!!

My weblog was down for unknown reasons. And I had things to post. Which I have now forgotten. But I complained thoroughly enough that they fixed it. Who'da thunk I would be that invested in this thing?

I found this to be fascinating.

This was pretty cool, and sort of funny, yet true to life.

By the way, did any of you play those Star Wars games I posted several posts ago?

What should I write about?

I seem to have lost my focus. Not surprising. Any suggestions?

BTW, every time I see a request and next to it the words "serious inquiries only!", I am tempted to respond in a very juvenile and less-than-serious manner. I haven't done it yet, but man, when I do...let me tell you, let meeee tell youuuu.

Biz-E

That's what I have been. And 'tis the reason for my lack of posts. In addition to feeling weird for posting lighter fare posts now that I've purportedly gone all serious.

Tueday was one of the worst days I have ever had. It was bad in that way that becomes funny, because everything seems to go bad. But, it ended with cakes, and that's almost always a good thing.

First, we got a new printer at work. 13+ of us use the same printer. My computer would not print to said printer, for reasons that are even now unclear to me. I tried in vain for an hour to get it to print something that I needed for the next day. It refused. I was starting to feel very much like re-enacting the fax machine scene from Office Space. Normally not a big deal, except that with this week being as crammed full as it was, I needed to make use of all scheduled time for said scheduled activities. And the printer was not allowing me to do so.

One of my coworkers was sick and asked if I could sub for her by going to a school later that afternoon. Not having reliable transportation I was hesitant, but I agreed anyway. I tried really hard to figure out thelogistics in my head, and it seemed to work.

Sooooo, I left for my first program. I needed to drop the van off for Sarah, and my other coworker was supposed to meet me there. She got lost...fifteen minutes lost. We were supposed to be at a school watching some kids. But we weren't, so I called the school and alerted them to our impending lateness.

We were 25 minutes late, and in those 25 minutes, the principal of the middle school had been watching the kids. He was not happy, because he already had to tell them three times to be quiet. He made some threats to end our program for the rest of the year if the kids didn't shape up, then left. I tried in vain three times to get the kids to be quiet as well. Then, we left 10 minutes early because there was no other option. I sent them back to their classes (the ones they were excused from to do our program).

In the parking lot, my coworker's car battery had died. We were supposed to be leaving immediately for the program that I was supposed to be covering for my sick coworker. But instead we were calling AAA for a jump. And calling our office to alert them to our plight.

They sent some other people, and disaster was averted.

After eating lunch and returning to work, I was able to attend a small cake celebration for two coworkers' birthdays. Angelfood cake, strawberries, cool whip. Perhaps my favorite cake?

That day was a funny day.

Tomorrow I have to work at a thing called Kid Fest. It has the potential to be awful, but I will be painting faces. That will be delightful. Except that it's all overtime for me, because I attended 8 hours of defensive driving training today. I was the only one there who was not mandated to be there for an alcohol related offense. It was weird. There were two very nice mullets in the crowd, and mostly a bunch of smart-alecky 20-somethings.

Homosexuality is wrong

So, I'm going to take a risk and be honest about my unrefined beliefs and opinions here. Sarah says I'm going to get myself shot. The title is deliberately provocative and only mildly relevant.

Foremost, no matter how long this post ends up being, it will never be a concise container for my thoughts on this subject. I just can't do it. For me, too many things run together when talking about human issues for me to really pull out an intentionally concrete statement. That being the case, consider this more a sketch of my beliefs, rather than their whole.

Also, please understand that I am not trying to be an ass. These are my honest thoughts, and I'm recording them because I feel like they are true, but extremely unpopular right now. I am not intentionally seeking to cheese anyone off.

Homosexuality is not the natural practice that it is being made out to be. What's worse than the act of homosexuality, however, is the current trend to normalize the practice. The Gay Rights movement falls into a much broader and concerning issue...but that's something I have a harder time defining. I'll try. There has been a national--maybe global--trend towards a denial of responsibility for one's actions and condition for the past several decades. Instead of taking personal responsibility for our faults, we blame our upbringing or our genes or or our environment or our society's unappreciation for our uniqueness. This trend can be also seen in mental health issues, in the increasing prevalence and acceptance of obesity, and in our treatment of kids at school.

All this is the product of two things which might actually be the same thing: post-modern thought and radical individualism. It's the idea that no one has the right to define anything as absolutely right or wrong coupled with the notion that, "I won't criticize you as long as you don't criticize me." As a nation our communities and neighborhoods have been breaking down for decades--we don't know each other anymore. As a culture, we don't know our neighbors anymore, and more importantly, our neighbors don't know us. We want to protect and collect our material goods and our private lives, and we don't want the rest of the town to know or comment on our business. This makes room for us to say, "What's mine is mine and is not open to criticism or social regulation." (The paradox is that entertainment and being an entertainer are so highly valued by our culture too.)

People love to reinforce and amplify what they already believe...or what they hope to be true. Feeling rejected by the larger majority of society, groups of like-minded people band together for support and defense. They reinforce their own beliefs, ignoring the criticism of the larger whole, and squelching whatever reservations they may have had about the "acceptability" of their condition (gay, fundamentalist, obese, liberal, goth, conservative, etc.). Once they've quelled their own doubts, they can move towards changing the attitudes of culture at-large, or minimally of standing against it in some form of rebellion or solidarity.

OK. Now to switch gears. I'm not part of the Moral Majority, nor did I vote for Mr. Moral Mandate. That isn't what this is about. But in some ways, it is about those folks too.

I guess what I'd really like to see is TRUE acceptance. Screw "tolerating" people. Why can't we love each other or care about each other enough to accept people for who they are without feeling the need to stay away from criticizing their deeper parts. Why can't that kind of intimate appreciation and concern be a part of acceptance?

My theological and emotional response is that humanity's spirit is quite self-centered and easily corrupted...but I'll save that for some other post.

So, what do you say? Can you appreciate me without agreeing with me? Can you agree with me and still genuinely care for others outside your familiar realm? Do you have feedback for me concerning those two questions?

Some cool games

Okay, so this isn't very serious either, but I am getting surprisingly excited about the upcoming release of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, heretothereafter referred to as Sith. On an up note, I won a $10 gift card for Wal-Mart today as an incentive for coming to Lunch Bunch trainings at my workplace. In addition to getting a delicious and free lunch every Wednesday, there were doorprizes today to celebrate the last day. I plan on using it to buy another lightsaber. I already have a blue on (courtesy of Mindy Backus), and I will soon own either a green or purple one. If you have to ask, then it's not really worth explaining.

Also, I stumbled upon these games. Whether or not you like Star Wars or skittles, you should play them. Go to the "5 in 1 Games!" or something like that. They have two good puzzle type games, a memory game, one great side-scroller, and even a 3-D flash game of some sort. I wasn't very good at that one. All Star Wars themed. You have to register to play the games, but I'll never tell anyone if you supply bogus info.

In other news, I wish my job paid more, because I think I would really like it if the benefits were better. As is, it is not a job on which I could raise a family. Well, and keep my present social class. Or my current lack of gov't welfare recipiency. Not that I wouldn't take it if I had to, but in theory I shouldn't have to, see. College degree and all that.

Bobbing

I had all this build-up in that last post...and I've been at a loss as to how to follow it up. This is more of a filler to let you know I'm still alive. I've been crazy busy at work this week (the busiest week of our whole work year, I'm told), and just finished TI camp this weekend. TI is Teen Institute, and I think I'll actually write about it later this week when I'm not pining for sleep. See, I was a Dorm Dad this weekend with over 80 7th-12th graders attending. 'Nuff said.

Changing the Purpose of Squidzaus

I have been considering for awhile whether I should start posting real, honest thoughts and feelings here. Instead of the tempered, socially appropriate stuff that normally makes it in here--you know, being considerate of the thoughts, opinions, and ideas of others, and all that other socially appropriate and sensitive stuff (now I'm repeating myself). In general, I think it is unwise and foolish to post a journal or "weblog" of a truly personal nature online. You never really know who is going to read it or how they might interpret it. You can change, negate, or eliminate friendships that way sometimes, when people piece together that you are not who they thought you were.

I think I'm going to try it anyway. I know some things about me, or I think I know some things about me. The heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it? I want to test those things by subjecting them to you, whoever you are. I am hesitant to do this because I recognize that it can be exhibitionistic. (That's my chief reason against having a true "online journal" rather than a private, paper one: many people use their disclosure as a means to synthetic intimacy. Which is very, very different from posting a very personal revelation from time to time. I'm talking about all intimacy, all the time! K99.7FM!)

Maybe what I am trying to say is that I am going to be intentionally exhibitionistic as an experiment, but not in an attempt to get your attention, sympathy, or reaction necessarily. I'm going to stop using soft language ("You were using soft language before?"), and I'm going to try to hit on what makes me, me. I don't have real people in my life in real ways who 1. know me truly enough or 2. have the courage to say something to me. (Sarah is exempt from that last statement, maybe others. Defend yourself.) So, I'm going on display. I am tired of some of the dark corners of my life--the things I suspect that people (maybe you) see, but don't mention to me. And maybe it is entirely my fault for waiting for soemone else to mention what I already supect is there. In many ways, that is very true.

Here's what I'm saying in brass tacks. I am desperately wanting to figure some things out: about the way I work, about who I "am", and about how I come off to most of the rest of the world. I have been a naive dork my whole life. This makes me proud and ashamed.

I will most likely offend some people, if I haven't already. That is not my outright intent at all. I am inviting you to know and comment on some of the gritty stuff that is usually very awkward to talk about in person. (ex: "Has anyone ever told you you're kind of arrogant? You've hurt me a few times by doing/saying...") What I am asking is that if you have an issue, problem, or complaint against me, please DO NOT post it as a comment. EMAIL ME INSTEAD

secretninjaattack@yahoo.com

If you have any of my other email accounts, you can write to any of them as well. You can certainly still post comments on this site if they are general or clarifying...not personal or specific. Capice?

In truth, this whole concept is probably about one thing: sometimes we are slow to clear the air. (My self included.) It is a very scary thing to do, or even think about. We don't think it's a big enough deal, we think we weren't hurt that bad, or we just don't know how to approach the tender subjects. (What if she gets mad and doesn't like me anymore?) I am afraid that I have hurt some people, but I am more afraid that I will continue to hurt other people because I cannot currently recognize the scope of my actions, nor can I currently see another way to be.

I really don't know what might come out of all of this. I guess we'll wait and see. So it begins.

Dear Lord in Heaven,

Thank You for giving us charcoal.

Amen.

A smattering

I separated the links on the side for my own benefit. It doesn't mean much, if anything. I'm tempted to put them into some preferential order of my personal enjoyment, but I don't for fear of stirring up jealousy, which would be silly.

I saw Sin City tonight. It made me sad. Stylistically, I thought is was very, very cool. But I thought the content was not so good. I don't want to seem like a prude, but ### and violence always bothers me in movies, but particularly if the point of the movie is just entertainment. (Which is distinguished, in my mind at least, from movies that convey a message or meaning.) (And I recognize that a "message or meaning" can be very subjective.) I guess I'm saying that Sin City looked really cool and would have been cool, had it not been for the coarse themes. I couldn't help but think that this movie would be appreciated by folks who are already on the border of sanity and anti-social behavior. To many people worship darkness in one form or another, and dark movies that celebrate those things just make people worse, not better. In my opinion. Not that this was one of those movies, necessarily. I'm stopping now, because I'm rambling.

The Ghostrunner COme Home show went very well on Friday night. THANK YOU to everyone who came out to see us. (Or The Substitutes)

I've been doing better spiritually. If you know me well enough to consider yourself part of my "team" (see analogies from previous post on discipline), then please ask me if I've been coming to practice. I would very much like to get into the habit of asking people how they have been doing as well.

In terms of a movie that is incredibly violent and horrible but still has incredible merit, I highly recommend The Pianist. It does not glorify or exaggerate violence in any way. I feel it is the most real portrayal of what people can do to other people that I have ever seen. It has human evil and human good in it. I've only seen in once, but I would risk seeing it again if someone wanted to watch it.

SHOW THIS FRIDAY

Ghostrunner Come Home has a show this FRIDAY at 9pm at Donkey Coffee. We'll be playing with The Substitutes. We're the opener, they're the closer. You should come see. It'll be great, in particular because The 'Tutes will have something special planned for April Fool's, I'm sure. And tell your friends.

Discipline thoughts

I haven't read the Bible for about 2 months, maybe more. That doesn't count the few verses that I read out of the little devotional for Lent...which I haven't read for 2 weeks. I'm meaning that I haven't read anything substantial for a long time. It hit me when I was laying in bed last night. I was trying to figure out why I tend to wander back to the same doubts from time to time. Nothing serious--in magnitude anyway, more in content--just questioning the authenticity of Jesus (on Easter?!). Stuff like this comes at me every once in a while, when I've not had much connection with God for an extended period of time. In this case, I'd say it's been half a year, probably longer. My desire to "do the faith disciplines" wanes, and before I know it I'm no longer praying or reading...mostly because I just don't feel like it. I have a tendency to do the dishes at my house the same way: I do them if I feel like it, and don't do them if I don't feel like it. Then, I'm stuck with a sink full of dishes and some bitterness and resentment (towards whom?) as to how they got there. There's a metaphor in there, I just know it. ; )

Anyway, I am having a very hard time being disciplined. I am not a very disciplined person, as a whole. By "disciplined," I mean regimented, structured, habitual, steady and stable. For me, the same pattern of Bible-reading and dish washing applies to physical fitness and friendship maintenance. I really don't want to be this way.

The only times I really remember being disciplined in something (and feeling great about it, in fact) was during HS in cross country and track, and again when I was lifting weights with Adam Z for a year or more a few years ago. In both of these cases, there were other people to whom my participation mattered: not just because they'd miss me if I wasn't there or because I'd miss some lesson they had to teach, but because they couldn't perform to their best if I wasn't there, and I likewise. Adam helped motivate me to get to the gym when I didn't want to go, because even if I just wanted to whine and wimp out, he still needed a lifting partner that was going to push him to his limit. And my teammates needed me to, well, be part of the team and give them my best performance as an individual so that our team scores were as high as they could be. And also to demonstrate to them that how they did was also important to me--to encourage them to do better.

As I type all this, I'm wondering: to whom does it matter whether I pray and read? In my life, is there anyone who even knows how I'm doing, i.e., who notices and checks up on me when I "miss practice" or give my excuse for why I "don't feel like lifting today"? [That's rhetorical] In a practical sense, it doesn't matter enough to God for Him to intervene...at least not in a way that He expresses to me/us the way a friend can call me/us on the phone, and He doesn't need my participation necessarily. It obviously doesn't matter enough to me personally for me to change it--no matter how I try or how bad I feel, I can't seem to establish lasting habits (meaningful or mundane).

It's tempting, much like with dirty dishes, to become bitter and blame other people...or "Christian culture," or "lack of community." But I know that in real, honest truth those aren't the culprits. However, I haven't found any answer in myself either. And that leaves me where I am: with a pile of dirty dishes and an out-of-shape body. Quite capable of doing a hard workout once or twice. More than capable of making the kitchen sink sparkle like new. But incapable of doing these things on a continual basis.

Enunciation and/or pronunciation and/or diction

Take your pick. I don't think I really ever learned the difference.

As you may know, I now work in prevention. That means, I try to prevent things from happening. Specific things, such as the prevention of alcohol, drug, and tobacco use by children. My coworkers all work in prevention as well. As such, the campus upon which our prevention offices are located (the psych hospital building, remember?) will be going completely "tobacco-free" in July. That means smoking won't be allowed anywhere on the property, not even if you go smoke in your car in the parking lot. As such, my workplace is launching a help program to help smokers quit in advance of the prescribed smoking ban.

This is all well and good, except that my boss keeps calling it a "sensation" program. She means, of course, "cessation." But, she keeps talking about the tobacco sensation program. She mentioned the tobacco sensation program several times in staff meeting today, in relation to any smokers who might want to take advantage of the tobacco sensation programs that will soon be offered. Needless to say, talking about any sort of sensation--but particularly an incorrect sort of one--makes it hard for me to keep a straight face in a staff meeting. Particularly when it's a 2-hour-turned-3-hour meeting which could have been a productive one, had the necessary preparations been done outside, rather than inside, the meeting.

Psalm 25

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
    in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
    who are treacherous without excuse.

Make me know your ways, O Lord,
    teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and I wait for you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love,
    for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
    and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
    for you are good, O Lord.

Good and upright is the Lord;
    therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth
    for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O Lord,
    forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
    He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days inprosperity,
    and his decendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
    free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
    and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
    let me not be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

State of the Job Address

Day 8: I still like it. It is very weird to work almost exclusively with women. Mostly young women. It is also weird to work with an almost brand new staff. I hear there are only a few people in DCS (Division of Community Services) who have been there longer than 2 years.

I got a new chair my first day there. Not bad. Won it in the "chair lottery". My old one was easily one of the worst (leaned to the left), so there really was no competition. Also had a potluck lunch my first day.

I am legit as of last week: got my keys and name badge.

I share my office with my SIG (State Initiative Grant) partner, Tanja. She's the coordinator of the grant, I'm the implementer. She is too, but she also coordinates. We have a bathroom in our office. So does everyone else, but that doesn't make it less weird. Our office is in part of a psychiatric hospital, so our offices were originally intended to be patient rooms. The other day I was barred from using our bathroom by my coworker for unknown reasons. It was a girl thing of some sort, I figure, because there were other girls in the room with her and they were obviously "in" on the passing events. I, alas, was not. There was laughter among them.

There is a man who wanders around the hospital downstairs and talks to people who walk by the reception area. He is one of the patients at the hospital. I hear he has become somewhat "affectionate" towards some of the young ladies lately. He also wanted to take my photomosaic of Jedi Master Yoda this morning. (He didn't. It's now hanging in my office.) Other than these incidents, he seems like a decent guy.

Tomorrow I will work a 12 hour shift. The only upsides to this are that we are having another potluck lunch (another retirement lunch--the one last week was for a woman who left working to become a stay-home mom), and that I only have to work 5 hours (possibly less) on Friday.

I'm still trying to figure out policies and protocols. Still haven't received anything formal. Not even a code of conduct. Not entirely true: I can't use alcohol while on the clock because HRS is abstinence-based. That's all I know, other than no jeans or open-toed shoes. In a few months I might start pressing my luck. (With attire, not alcohol.) We'll see.

Had a TB test yesterday. The nurse (a dude) didn't give me a bandaid and I ended up bleeding on my white dress shirt. I got it out, but was a little miffed. He's otherwise a nice guy. I'm supposed to get Hep B vaccines too, but not until I'm an official employee. That is also when the random drug screenings begin.

The goat started yesterday. You won't even notice it for another two weeks.

What the world needs now is another folk singer...

...like I need a hole in my head.

Thanks to all for commenting on the last post. Mayhap I should write for fashion advice more often. In fact, I will. I'm considering growing a gotee, sans moustache. I had one several months ago for a few months, and liked it reasonably well. To anyone who saw me during that time, any thoughts or opinions? To anyone who didn't see me during that time, any thoughts or opinions? I grow a nice ruddy brown beard. Female readers: please be advised that I am aware that there is a general consensus among you that facial hair in any context is undesirable. That said, all con opinions from you will be read with 75% weight, and all pro responses will be read with 125% weight, approx.

In other news, today has been a day of strange feelings. Sometimes the world feels too big, the evil too undefinable, the saturation too encompassing. Not overwhelming, just permeating. An underlying sense of something. I guess I know what it is. It's nice to fight for good, but can any ground actually be won? Is "peace" attainable? I am tired today.

PS: Spiral mac & cheese is the best.

10 Feet Tall

I'm not sure that I've ever felt that feeling before yesterday afternoon. Probably--my memory is horrible. Regardless, I went to an interview at 2pm yesterday and walked out with a job! And a decent job too. When I was thinking of leaving my old job, there were only two jobs in the social services field that I was still interested in doing: desk work or "prevention." And I wasn't even sure that "prevention" existed, but it seemed like the kind of thing that would exist in the sw world. (sw=social work; SW=Star Wars)

Turns out that it does exist, and that I will be doing it for our local drug/alcohol treatment organization. I'll be in charge of running two programs: one in-school program that teaches 4th/5th graders about how to make good choices and not abuse substances, and one with families, teaching them principles of good communication.

I start on Monday. Can anyone give me a solid definition of what "business casual" actually means, in practical terms?

Oddly enough, I just got a call a few minutes ago from the last place I interviewed (the one I was going to turn down regardless), and they wanted me to come in later today to meet the rest of the team. That makes me feel good, because I was starting to think the interview didn't go as well as I had thought after all. There is a certain satisfaction in being able to turn down a job because I already have a job! (And a certain satisfaction in knowing that the two jobs pay the same and have similar benefits, but one will be enjoyable for me and the other might have broken me in half over the long term.)

If you haven't already, check out the previous post/comments about money. That's where all the hot action is. Speak thy mind in full flagrance. And we shalt respect thee more for it.

forget government--what about One World Companies?

Wow. I was perusing the responsibleshopper.com site, just to see what all was on there and to find out for myself how balaced and fair their reporting seemed. I checked out the "compare companies" feature, which is really cool, and checked out the first thing on their list: alcohol producers. Four companies came up. Three of them had very neutral/good reports. Then there was Phillip Morris (rather, Altria, formerly called P.M.). I didn't take the time to read through the list of complaints against the company (the complaints are usually made by consumers and consumer groups) because I was flabberghasted by the incredible number of product brands and companies that P.M./Altria owns. Astounding. There were at least 50 companies. Tons of products. Kraft, Nabisco, Post, Miller, just to name a few recognizable ones.

I forget that giants like this exist. No wonder they can afford to pay for those anti-smoking ads: they make half the crap we buy! Disney had a really bad rep too: I was comparing restaurants earlier. Maybe I'll check out Proctor & Gamble tomorrow.

You should check out the site, if you haven't already. Not that it's the best thing ever, but it is more knowledge than I've had in awhile concerning the behind-the-scenes of the products we buy. And it mentions good things ("praises") about companies too, when they deserve them. For example, Taco Bell is taking initiatives to raise the wage of tomato harvesters in Florida quite substantially. And KFC is coming around to putting pressure on its chicken producers to stop cruelly abusing the animals (after consumer and PETA pressure on KFC). And it reports charitable giving too.

Rearranging the Furniture

Here's a new look. I wasn't tired tonight. I rarely am, yet I sleep until 10am regardless. (Last night I slept for 12 hours, and through my alarm.) The scribey-paper gif is gone forever. But it was coming to that anyway. I like these royalish deep colors.

What is your favorite Bible verse, if you have one? If not, what is your favorite proverb or wise saying? I'll post mine sometime soon.

The show went very well

Yes, it did. My inclination is to always dissect what could have been better about shows, much the same as I do when I cook homemade meals. But this time, because the show was genuinely good, I'm going to intentionally not criticize for the sake of criticism. Oh, to be an optimist.

All in all, the sound and feel of the show were very good. We played well, sounded good, and looked good on stage. Meaning: we looked comfortable and familiar with each other (although we are H-O-T-T as well). [ahem!] I was excited to see so many people there, many of whom were not necessarily there to see us specifically. It's always more impressive to impress someone who is unfamiliar with what you do than those who are more familiar with what you do. But wouldn't we all be hollow without those folks that support us because they know us and appreciate us and what we do? Everyone needs fans.

I was also encouraged because the show has motivated the band (myself included) to really push hard to keep working. We've been slowly but steadily working, and it was good to have a taste of reward for our work. I feel very blessed and thankful to get to play with hard-working, dedicated, and enthusiastic guys who appreciate what these songs are trying to do. (Cheers, fellas, should you read this.)

PS: please check out the previous post about money. I'd really like your thoughts and dialogue on the issue.

It Makes the World Go 'Round

As middle-class Americans, our most powerful message is not with any words spoken or written, but with where we spend our money. We are the richest people in the history of ever--yes we middle class--and if we got it into our heads to do so, I believe we could change the world just by being intentional in how and where we spend our money. How do you think that might work? Do you know any facts or evidence that prove any of this to be true?

Ooooooh Procrastination!

I am supposed to be editing my resume. Again. Instead I am wandering around on your weblogs, faithful readers, disappointed by the lack of new posts. What are you trying to do, force my hand? Ok, ok, I know what's good for me. I'll get to work on it right away.

Nerd Update: I bought two sets of RPG dice and a D&D Player's Handbook (3.0) this past week. Good lord, someone stop me. As an aside, if anyone wants to play with us, I will soon have an extra set of cool dice you can borrow... {: \

Ghostrunner Come Home

Ghostrunner Come Home has a small debut show this Thursday (2/10) at 9:30pm in the Front Room. We are playing as part of a showcase of local musicians. Come check it out. And also check out the band's weblog.
<----There's a link over there.

My nerdiest day to date

Today, I got up late. Then, I went to the bank, which was closing, but I managed to go through the teller window and ask for some coin rolls. Then, I walked to the Red Lantern comic shop and bought a pack of pirate ships. (You and I should play sometime. It's easy and fun.) Then, I went home and counted my accumulated change. I had $64.50 in change. (rolls: 3xquarters; 1xdimes; 9xnickels; manyxpennies) Then, I called Red Lantern and asked how he would feel about my making a purchase with coin rolls. (He was fine with it.) Then, I went to Red Lantern and bought 5 boxes of SW minis with my change and a 15% coupon that I had received in the mail earlier this week. Then, I went to Subway. Then, I went to Tyler's house and played D&D with some other nerds for several hours. Then, I came home and let the dogs out. Then, I made crepes for dinner with Sarah. (It gets progressively less nerdy.) Then, we watched The Birds. Then, I got on this computer machine and typed this and some other things. Now, I am going to bed.

Man, I can't wait until 11 months from now when I have another huge collection of change. And maybe even a job.

The Interview

I was almost late. I got caught up playing guitar. I thought I was leaving myself enough time to change clothes and get there...until I remembered that I wanted to review the resume and cover letter I sent them, just to be sure I told them the same story (I have several tweaks of my resume) as they'd read. So I fired up the computer while I threw a tie in the dryer--I don't wear ties often enough, it seems, because they are all wadded in a squished pile on my closet shelf. As I went to the mirror to tie the now-less-wrinkly tie, I noticed that I had also forgotten to shave. This is the peril of being a person who only shaves once a week, which is the peril of being a person who only had to shave once a week until about 2 years ago, when body hair finally caught up to me. More or less. I still only have one chest hair for every year I've been alive.

Anyway, I dry-shaved. Don't try this at home. Don't try it anywhere, in fact. The only good part was that I didn't bleed as much as I usually do. But good-gravy-in-a-gallon-tourine did my face burn (and still does) even with aftershave.

Made it to the interview on time, had to fill out paperwork anyway, and I think all in all it went well. I met with the woman who would be my supervisor and also with her supervisor. I answered all the questions thoroughly and appropriately, I feel. I could have been more knowledgeable on terms and the like, but I have no experience in the "real" social work field, so that is to be expected.

On my way out of the office I stopped to get a drink from a fountain. I wondered if it worked, because it looked very dry, as if it hasn't been used for a long time. Have you ever been to Epcot, or that hotel in Vegas, where they have those fountains that shoot bolts of water in fancy arcs? Well, that's exactly what this sucker did. About two feet into the air, and straight over the whole get up onto the floor. It was a good time, because they had let me see myself out.

Perhaps the best part of the whole interview process today is that it helped me to decide, without much lingering doubt, that I have no interest at all in pursuing a career in social work. None. It wasn't anything that they said directly, and it certainly isn't working with the people using the services. It was the language with which they described their own jobs and my future responsibilities. Talk of "billable hours", "ISP's", and how much of a pain in the petoot it is to meet "quotas" and the like. Not for me, muchacho.

I should have been wiser in my degree selection. C'est la vie. Anyone know of anywhere I could buy a used business or medical degree? It can be a fixer-upper, I have the time.

Also...

...I have a job interview this Friday. I'm not sure if I want the job, since it's one of very few jobs that could tax me more than my last one did (emotionally, not financially). But, those things can be explored and ironed out in the interview. And I am encouraged just to know that someone read my resume and responded!

Revelation: criticize my fears

I had a moment today. It was one of those momentous moments, the kind that feels like it should have happened ages ago, but is only happening now. I recognized today, for the first time, that much of what I do--or more specifically, what I don't do--is based on a fear of not meeting the (assumed) expectations of others.

I woke up today feeling really crappy. There haven't been new job ads in the paper the past few days, which means I have little to prepare for during the day. Also, I overslept this morning because my alarm clock malfunctioned. All this led to a morning in which I almost didn't get out of bed--no reason to. I was supposed to help a friend remodel his home today too, as he has been working on it all week, but I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute to the effort because he already had several more qualified people helping him.

Other things I "should" have been doing: working on songs so the band actually has some material to play; editing and turning in resumes at spots around town that haven't posted openings; cleaning fish tanks; cleaning up the house. There's probably more.

This morning was one of those rare moments when I was able to see clearly and also be honest with myself. I generally don't work on songs because I am afraid that the other band members, or people at large, won't like them or won't understand what I was trying to do. I don't want to help my friend work on his house because I have no technical skill at remodeling, and I might mess something up or slow someone down. I don't want to turn in resumes because the recipients might not be very impressed with me, and they might think me a nuisance for dropping off resumes uninvited. I don't clean my house because...well because I don't want to, and because I'm content to live in it as is. Besides, we aren't having any parties, so the place doesn't have to look respectable! :)

I am afraid that people will not accept or understand me, or that I might not make their grade. I cannot predict what a person thinks of me or of my work, and those things should not prevent me from being and doing anyway. This is common among people, I recognize, and I'm sure this doesn't sound as revolutionary to you as it did to me this morning.

This is all something that I have known for a long time...but for some reason it didn't really soak in until today. Knowledge isn't always power.

But today, I finished writing a song because I liked the song. Critics be damned. I know what I'm doing and what I want to do when I write. And that should be enough. Tomorrow I will try to practice this new freedom again.

Annual Salary, Jesus Cartoons, and Concerns

So, this guy made almost twice my yearly salary in a brilliant 30 days. Don't think I'm not considering this as a career option at this point...

Also, here are some cartoons starring Jesus if he walked beside each and every one of us in the flesh. Some are hilarious, some less so. Enjoy.

Finally, I am concerned that no one posted about their RPG experiences. Nerds? Are you out there? I realized that I should have put a smiley or something after the "mildly judgemental" bit, because that was supposed to be a a joke. See, because people are judgemental towards nerds and RPG's anyway. So, it was funny because I was allowing it. As if I has some choice in the matter. See. Hmmmm. And anyway, I've changed my mind. You can be blatantly, flagrantly, even provocatively judgemental in your commentting on RPG's, should you choose. Bring it on! (And,nerds: still unite.)

Dungeons and Dragons

I played for the first time last night. With Kevin, with some music nerds at some dude's apartment. It was fun. I don't think I ever would have liked it, were it not for my recent readings of LotR and playing of BG2. Pretty much, the whole thing started with Tolkien and grew from there, the way I see it. And they seem to have simplified the game system some too, from what I understand. I'm playing a half-elven cleric. I kicked some tail(s). Kevin plays a half-elven druid--my twin brother. He kicked less tail(s), because he wasn't allowed to bring his wolf into the pit fights. Next time, dear readers. Next time.

All this reminded me of how fun it was to play Star Wars RPG in high school. Being a less-than-outgoing person, RPG's provide that small, intimate gathering that allows me (and others like me) to thrive. I would like to play SW RPG again, because it is more fun than D&D. It is a better world to play in, a mon avis, and it is a better gaming system (although the new D&D system seems pretty simple). Or maybe it is nostalgia. Or maybe it's just cool to have so many cool-looking dice, regardless of what game you play.

Tell me about your RPG stories! Good ones and bad ones! Tell me about the people you played with, and what made it fun...or not fun. If you've never played, what are your thoughts on all this? You can be mildly judgemental. I give you that permission. Fire at will, commander! (Nerds, unite!)

Ben, you've opened the box. In a good way.

Capitalism is bad, absolutely. I do believe there are better, more moral fiscal systems. But all -isms are faulty. Because humans, yes, are fallible. This is why the modern mantras of relative truth and individual experience are bogus. There must be something greater than ourselves guiding us, because it doesn't pan out if we all say we're right. This is why the US is "Great White Devil." Not in the Caucasian sense, but in the white-washed, holier-than-thou, neon-light-look-to-our-example-of-shining-equality sense. As a national culture, we are a beacon to the world, overtly suggesting that they can have whatever they want whenever they want it, and that it's all okay. Sometimes I think that if DC is our national brain, then Las Vegas is our national heart. Or Los Angeles. (Not to suggest these cities are "evil" in any sense, more to say that they have distinct cultures and represent specific drives and desires.)

I do wonder if the US (democracy/capitalism/relativism) is the next step in the evolution of human culture (the way our patriotic nationalism claims), inasmuch as we have finally found a way for most people to have most things--most people can "pursue happiness" to whatever end they can attain. The general moral and material reasoning is that as long as it is okay for EVERYONE to enjoy certain privileges, then it is okay for ME to have those privileges as well. We stop asking if it is healthy or beneficial for us--as humans or as a culture--to have certain privileges at all.

I think you're right, Ben: capitalism, culture, and lack of self-discipline are to blame. And individual human beings have been and are at the helm of each of those entities. In short, at our core we (read: collective humanity) don't want self-discipline, and that leaks into everything else we do. I think that capitalism, and even democracy, are very authentic depictions of the human soul. We want to care about everyone, we sometimes try very hard to care about everyone, but we really only care about ourselves.

This is why TRUE Jewish and Christian teachings are so revolutionary: the denial of self as the ultimate fulfillment of self. How impossible! How audacious! How odd that it is also completely unattainable without higher help...a complete denial of self? The antithesis to who we are as humans.

Funerals and Comic Stores

I have been out of town the past several days. My cousin, Michelle, died last Saturday, and I went back to Milwaukee this week for her funeral, which was on Thursday. It was a very strange event for me. I have not been back to Wisconsin for 12 years--since my first grandfather died. Michelle died of a blood clot in her lung. She was only 29 and the whole ordeal was very unexpected. I couldn't even tell you how long it had been since I'd seen Michelle or my other cousins. They didn't make it to my wedding, which was the last time I saw most of my aunts and uncles (over five years ago). I don't have many memories of my extended family, but I only have good memories of playing with Michelle, Nicole, and Adam: my cousins. We were still in elementary school, and would play things like "tiger cubs" at my grandparents' house when there. I was impressed that Nicole remembered the last time we hung out together--all six of us had a sleepover at my grandparents' house.

I spent the few days after the funeral at my older cousin Craig's comic shop. They were celebrating their first anniversary. I got to help out. It was a good time, other than the snow on Saturday that kept many people from getting out to the party. I brought back two new games, both of which are relatively simple but fun. Craig was kind of like my older brother growing up. He's maybe 5 years older, and his mom and my mom always hung out together (being sisters), so by default, Craig and I did too. I have vivid memories of getting into Craig's comic books and Star Wars figures when he wasn't home. Thankfully, he no longer seems to mind! I also remember going to one of his (jr.?) high school basketball games. This was in the late eighties, when spitting for no reason was cool. I remember spitting as we walked to the school just because Craig did. Every time he would spit, so would I. Weird that I remember that. The only other thing I remember was not being allowed to throw my candy wrappers under the bleachers.

Don't make me destroy you.

Things I would like to be doing, but am not:
1. playing music with a friend
2. playing LotR RISK with some friends
3. playing Xbox or PS2 on the giant screen that I still have use of through tomorrow
4. praying
5. feeling better
6. hoping the Packers will win the Superbowl
7. using Force powers to mind trick people

I could be doing some of those things. In fact, maybe I will.

Are you inviting people to the party?

Well, are you? See the info below, if you need it.

Also, being unemployed is crappy. I get up later than I want, I have little to do (or more accurately, little that I can afford to do), and so I spend much time videoing my mind. Ick.

I would feel better if there were more decent paying jobs in this area...but there aren't.

Ext Ed LotR Fri & Sat, 14th, 15th

Lord of the Rings party at my house this weekend. We'll be watching all three extended edition LotR movies on a giant 6'x7' screen with a projector. Awesome. If you can come, certainly do. It's an open invitation...as long as I know you or you are with someone who does.

Bring a food or beverage to share. And bring a few bucks. We might order food...and the projector was considerably more expensive to rent than I'd anticipated. Also, bring people.

Showtimes:
Friday 1/14 8pm Fellowship of the Ring
Saturday 1/15 4pm The Two Towers
8pm Return of the King

This should give anyone time to attend the GW FNS and/or the Walk for the Homeless on Saturday (which I will be participating in, and you should too).

(insert title here)

Today the Packers lost. They played terribly. Next week, the Steelers will WIN.

I am reading A Confederacy of Dunces and it is very good. It is the first Pulitzer Prize winning book I've ver read. I like to read, but I don't like most books.

I do not know what I am doing or, more accurately, should be doing with my life. I am looking for work, but I don't have much hope that my new work will be much more fulfilling than my last work. I'm just looking for something to pay the bills, as they say. I'm also trying to reassess the things I like to do and the kind of person I am, and 27 seems a bad age to do that. I find myself stuck with a dramatic lack of insight on these issues. I always thought I wanted to be a counselor or psychologist-type person. Now I realize that I hate that kind of work, I just like knowing the people.

Can you help me? What kind of work do you think that I would enjoy and/or be good at?

I'm unemployed

...and can't really say that I'm loving it. I have a few phone calls to make today. Phone calls make me nervous. Then again, most aspects of looking for a new job make me nervous. I have to schedule a hair cut soon too.

And I'm also noticing that this weblog will need an overhaul. The colors on my screen at work were very different from the drab colors I see here. I wonder how I might go about remedying that.

And I have to work on some song lyrics. We have a show on Feb 10. We do not have a name yet, but we will be getting one soon. And then I will perhaps start a weblog dedicated to the band, so people can follow along. Weblogs are more free than websites. And I don't know anything about websiting anyway.