Time to be candid!
What are your thoughts and feelings about [gasp!]: sex. (For you fellow Net Nanniers out there, the phonetic topic here is "seks", spelled with only three letters.)
Open discussion. Anything goes: what you like, don't like, cultural critiques, personal feelings and thoughts, concerns, issues...whatever. Including posting anonymously. In fact, please consider posting anonymously, if it will help you be more honest and real.
Fear not! As long as you're NOT being provocative and it stays PG-13, you stand a good chance of not being censored. ; ) I've been musing on this myself, and invite you to share your musings as well. Be as personal or as distant as you like, but be aware that I'm aiming for 1.honesty and 2.safety. Is it possible to find those things together on the 'net?
Let's see what happens, shall we?
33 comments:
For the first time that I've checked the blogs in weeks, this one turns out to prompt provocative and probing (too much?) questions. What do I think about sex? Well, TV and our culture really aggrivates me. To be concise, I blame it all on the machinery, etc. Oh, and I also blame it on human beings for wanting so much gratuity for their flesh. (I am a human being.) And overall, a bad combination of what we're prone to and what's pushed on us means that I can hardly watch anything or go anywhere without being conscious of sex, in a bad way.
What else? Oh yeah, it's a great thing I guess when it comes without the guilt trip. Er, rather, as I am unmarried, being anything other than asexual is probably (revolting for friends and family to read about) and strongly discouraged. I, too, discourage it as others do. In light of previous reference to culture, etc., I find myself very tired of thinking about the whole mess and I'd like to age rapidly. Nevertheless, it's a part of life. And it's incredibly hard word to even mention in a classroom of 16 year olds.
And in last reference to the guilt trip, I don't mean that in a sarcastic or cynical tone. I've always found that of the sin that young men are rebuked most strongly for, sex seems to be fittingly scorned. As it affects your mind, body, soul, etc., it's a powerful thing. Still, as it is such a personal thing I think it seems like any wrongdoings carry more serious (social) consequences.
gasp... i would be WAY to embarrassed to talk about sex, even on the internet. christians should never talk about it...it's just dirty.
I'd like to actually experience some sex. The older I get, the more I think about it.
I like sex. I like the adventure that comes with the "fun" of sex. I like the "danger" of being a bit crazy (sex in the car, at the drive in, outside, oral sex in creative places, etc). I like having been married for the number of years that I have been married and still having a great sexual relationship with my wife. It's interesting the unmarried guys I know who brag that they have "so much experience." No they don't. Anyone can please a woman for a year. It takes a "real man" to please her for 5, 10, 15, 20+ years. Married sex is great. Much better than any non-married sexual experience. They key is for both couples to understand what the other needs and give themselves to each other.
It is perhaps most striking to me how powerful sex is. It has the power to create and to destroy, depending on its use. When I think about the impact a sexual relationship (of any kind) has on a person's mind, heart, and soul...I really can't think of anything that affects a person deeper. Bad/evil experiences leave tremendous scars, and good/pure experiences are incredibly intimate and fulfilling. I feel some of the deepest pity for people for whom sex has been tarnished or distorted, and for friends who so desperately want emotional intimacy and a "solution" to the sexual "struggle".
Thanks to the anonymous posters! ;) I may even join you soon...
This has been very good. Feel free to comment on other posts above. As long as this stays honest and safe, I'd love to leave this going as an open discussion. I'll comment more later...I have plenty to say.
It seems that this topic has been being talked about alot recently, and I think that is a very good thing. I am a single guy and, like most, struggle with this issue in my life. But recently my biggest problem has been bitterness.
The hardest thing in the past few weeks for me has been hearing from married folk just how great sex is. No matter how it is put, when I hear it I can't help but feeling a little bitter. It's like someone saying they have this great thing, probably the best thing in the world, but you , no you can't have any, its not for you.
No I know people don't intend for it to be taken that way, so you don't have to spend time trying to convince me of your intent. Regardless that is the way that I feel.
I've never had good sex. Nasty sweaty teenagers who get confused about what goes where is perhaps the least sexy thing in the world. But I'm with someone now who I have an incredible physical (though not including sex right now) relationship with. We enjoy the couch and the dining room floor a lot. Something spontaneous about it...
So I will chime in with a serious comment this time. I think sex is great, but I think it's highly overrated in our culture. (Again...it is great).
Sex is great, but it won't make you happy. It really isn't the missing link in life. "Wow, if I could have sex, my life would be great." I have a good friend who got married, and now is absolutely miserable. There is no sex in their relationship at all... which is even more frustrating than being single with no sex as you are expecting it in marriage. I have another friend who got married very late in life and is doing well. I'm sure singleness is difficult...but marriage brings problems as well.
I'll agree that being married doesn't guarantee you'll have great sex. It takes practice, and there is certainly something "nasty sweaty teenagers" about it for awhile anyway. I wish I was more sexually brave and spontaneous. I wish sex was actually like the sex in pornography or like passionate Hollywood movie sex or like hip hop sexiness.
But more than that, I wish I had never "participated" in those images of sex, because then I would have my own understanding of sex, and I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. I could enjoy what I have more, without envying all the media "Joneses" out there.
paul, you're right: sex is "just dirty." Christians shouldn't talk about it or have it. More for me!
You know something funny? My significant other and I just kind of gel in every way imaginable (Yowie! It's GREAT.) except for kissing. Regular kissing is fine and dandy, but when there are tongues involved, we just don't know where to put what. It's kind of comical every time our kissing turns into heavy, passionate kissing. I've never said this to him or to anyone, so it's not like it's out in the open, but I swear, when I feel his cute little tongue poke out, I think in my head, "here we go again with the we don't know what to do with our tongues thing."
Patrick, what's sex?
"Paul, you're right: sex is "just dirty." Christians shouldn't talk about it or have it. More for me!"
Ah, I'm guessing you figured out I was joking... but if not... I was joking. As I assume were you. But if it's okay with you... I'lll keep having it. But thanks for looking out for me. :O)
Actually, what you said was pretty profound. Thanks for sharing that...
Recently I told my mate that her sex drive is higher than mine. She is always "ready to go" and for me, it's less frequent and I really have to be "in the mood". I'm pretty sure this is just a phase for me...but does anyone else have this issue? I think she's sexy as hell and I love her completely, but sometimes, I'd rather just cuddle. Am I weird?
anonymous #6: i'm guessing no. i think that's great. keep in mind i have no idea what i'm talking about, but i still think that's great.
i echo kevin's sentiments [just replace "guy" with "gal"].
"It's like someone saying they have this great thing, probably the best thing in the world, but you, no you can't have any, its not for you."
yep, that about sums it up. i know it's not the end-all-be-all of life, but... d*mn. it'd just be nice, you know?
also, this -- "here we go again with the we don't know what to do with our tongues thing" -- is just hilarious. thanks, anonymous #5.
this is like the umpteenth discussion about sex i've been involved in the last few months. i'll just say that for singles, it seems sex is sort of like visa: it's everywhere you want to be.
I watched the movie "Closer" last night. Well, actually I watched an hour and a half of it and got bored. It was sort of about relationships but mostly about being unfaithful. It's about getting tired of one relationship and moving selfishly onto another instead of hanging in there with the person you made promises to and sticking it out. I think it's so interesting, that much like choosing college majors, we are expected to choose something or someone and hope that it's going to be a good fit for the next 50 or 60 years. There's something kind of crazy in that. But I guess that's where the world and the faithful diverge. The world sees marriage/sex as finding what is a good fit for you and leaving when it's not...and we, as the faithful are instructed differently...not only are we told to hang in there but also, people seem to say that if we do, we'll grow individually and as a unit more than we ever could have if we'd left. No tsure if that's explicitly biblical, but it does seem to be what older wiser people say.
"not only are we told to hang in there but also, people seem to say that if we do, we'll grow individually and as a unit more than we ever could have if we'd left. No tsure if that's explicitly biblical, but it does seem to be what older wiser people say."
I agree that we're told to hang in there, but I disagree that simply hanging in there will produce growth, either individually or together. There's more to marriage - and relationships in general - than just hanging in there. I have survived my marriage up to this point, but that doesn't mean that I somehow have a deeper relationship just because I didn't quit. Not quitting is like passing a class with a D. It's preferable to failure, but not by much.
Re: Hanging in There Let's talk about this for awhile together.
I concur that the only benefit of "hanging in there" comes not from the hanging as in the decision to not become complacent. Lemonscarlet, you hit on some great stuff--the 'world' definitely tells us to look out only for ourselves, and to bail when it gets to involved. I mean, we're expected to make a reasonable effort, of course, but to actually change our personalities, change who we are in order to make it work? That's absurd according to popular thought.
But I think that's what makes the faithful the faithful. Our culture talks so much about the Individual these days. We prize our solo identities above everything else. Think about it: almost every cause is rallied these days based on an individual's rights to such-and-such. Words like "community, accountability, culture" just don't make it into the discussions very often.
Being faithful means realizing that your own welfare is not the issue, but the health of the relationship is the issue. It means being able to put yourself aside for the greater good. But I think bigger than that, it means putting yourself aside without realizing you're putting yourself aside. Because then (if you're like me) you hold grudges and keep score. If my identity is based only on my own self, then my marriage is almost doomed to failure. It's like playing the lottery of love, without good chances.
I'll also add that this is much more philosophical for me than a personal reality. These are the things it's taken me almost six years of learning and hurting to discover (provided I'm learning them at all). Many of you know that I am fiercely independent and defensive...I've got a long way to go on putting my money where my mouth is.
So...what do you think makes a marriage work? What makes them not work?
Q: what makes a marriage work and what makes one not work?
i've only been married a year so i'm definitely no expert. i was a virgin when i got married, and i think that helps with current sex with my wife. although in high school i struggled with pornography and i know this along with hollywood has definitely given me something unrealistic to compare sex to. when i think of a world without any sexual immorality, a world where i have no movies to watch with utopian sex scenes and no tv commercials with perfectly sculpted women, i think my current sex life would knock me into orbit. as is though, we definitely have many of the same struggles as listed in the above posts.
my wife and i are still both quite young and "attractive". this stinks for a marriage! we want to be single a lot, we miss being attractive to others and being allowed to be attracted to others and flirting and having that "rush" feeling of being attracted to someone. i struggle with this when i see women that are as pretty or prettier than my wife and my mind is always like, "you could have had her you know..." this hurts us. it's funny though, i remember for a month or two i had a lot of these feelings and felt like i was faking my love in marriage a little. i decided to talk to my wife about it and we had a very honest conversation about both of our struggles in that area. we didn't solve anything, and that was the beauty of it. just the pure honesty drew us together like nothing else has. things haven't been perfect since then but it's nice that we can share these struggles that "no good married couple should ever have!" with each other in honesty.
it was a reminder that there is a deeper pleasure out there than the candy-coated stuff of hollywood and skin.
So i guess my answer is to be honest, but at the same time, i have no answer and maybe that is okay
If my identity is based only on my own self, then my marriage is almost doomed to failure.
I would argue that if your identity is based soley on your marriage - who you are together - then you're in for some trouble. I think you have to know who you are apart from your spouse. Your identity is one of the things that attracted them to you in the first place. Perhaps we're both right. I can see how both the corporate and the individual identity are important.
I'll defer the question on what makes marriage work to someone more qualified.
I don't tell people this because I think people don't believe it or it makes them feel like they are doing something wrong. But I'm going to say it anyway. My spouse and I have sex (and other stuff) that is as exciting and sexy as most movies I've seen. I mean, there are little funny moments here and there like when you have to sneeze in the middle of sex (anyone?) but our sex is GOOD. I have an orgasm pretty much every time which, according to most of the women I talk to, is kind of rare. The only thing that is less than perfect is that I want to do it more often than he does. Likes and dislikes? I like spontaneous middle of the night, half asleep sex (but doesn't everyone?) I do not like the lights on because I am a confident goddess-woman with the lights off. Heck yeah, I look great in the dark!
SUGGESTION: If you are going to post anonymously (which you should feel free to do), consider coming up with a nickname or number to identify your anonymous self, so we can know which "anonymous" we're referencing when we post a reply to an anonymous post. Sound good?
18th Place-- I really identify with what you said. I can't speak for my wife, but I know that I still have that desire to be attractive to the opposite sex. It bothers me that pieces of my confidence are built on that, and I'm not really sure how to change it. Not that it's a huge deal, just a little irritant. I absolutely agree, though, that being honest about it with your spouse is incredible. I am blessed to have a wife that understands this kind of thing and doesn't get mad at me for it, but loves and understands me. And she knows I'm trustworthy--I don't chase other women, I just want them to like me so I can feel better about myself somehow. Maybe I'm not describing this the best way. Oh well.
Truth time? I get discouraged when I hear folks talk about how they actually have movie-style sex lives. I sympathize with the posts above by single people in this area: I get jealous and feel bitter, because they seem to have something that I do not. Sex is difficult for me personally, so it makes it rough for me to hear about how often or exciting others' sex lives are. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but it doesn't feel so. By the way, I'm not saying anything about my wife here, just talking about myself.
I am the anonymous person with the movie style sex life. I am exaggerating a little. It's hot and exciting and free and loving and shameless, yes...but perfect, no...of course not.
But this is what I want to say...My whole life (or at least the last 12 years or so) I've heard Chrsitians saying things like "Well, I hate to say it, but sex isn't that great." or "Everyone builds it up so much, but it's kind of a bust" or "I don't even like sex that much now that I'm allowed to have it." I assumed the movies were lies and the Christians were the only ones being honest.
Here's the thing. Christians have alot of hang ups about sex. Because we're taught to not touch each other before we're married, then when we do get married, it's go time. So what happens is that before marriage, we get all sexually excited, we "mess up" and take our shirt off or something, and then we feel guilty for days, even though we did this with the person we love and that we intend to marry. We invite so much guilt and failure into the mix.
I have seen so many Christians that go through that cycle...restraint, failure, guilt. Restraint, failure guilt. And they usher that into their marriage. Then sex is tied to this guilty feeling.
My spouse and I decided to not have sex before we got married. But we gave ourselves freedom beyond that. The fact is, we only went "far" a couple of times and it wasn't a huge deal. Instead of creating this huge issue around "forbidden fruit" we embraced a certain level of intimacy and looked forward to sex which we would have when we were married, unstead of creating all of this "negative energy" (I know that's not a real thing but you know what I mean) around our physical relationship.
We had fun, we drew our boundary and kept it....and I don't want to give the impression we were naked and doing "everything but" every night....it wasn't like that at all. We both understood that keeping some things for marriage was a good idea...gave us things to look forward to. But we didn't freak out if we wandered into uncharted territory.
Our wedding night was special as can be. And our sexual relationship continues to evolve and grow. It's exciting, and we've never allowed guilt to come into our marriage bed. (Not saying it's perfect...just trying to illustrate why I think it's so good) Maybe this is the key? The lack of guilt?
Some people might not agree. Some think staying 100% pure until the wedding night is the most important thing. But I think you create back doors for the demons to get in by obsessing over that.
Comments?
I'm not sure if people are still reading, but I wanted to say that I wholehartedly agree with "movie sex anonymous." Excellent post. Specifically, I agree with the idea of the cycle of guilt that dating Christians go through that often seems to lead to bad sex in marriage. I went through this cycle too, and looking back, I see nothing good about it. Feeling "bad" about things I did with the person who is now my spouse didn't really benefit us in anyway, spiritual or otherwise. To be completely honest, I think that it would have been better for us if we had just had sex. I can't imagine what would have been different at this stage in our relationship. Obviously (I hope), I'm not advocating for casual sex or even sex with someone you are committed to "at the moment." I'm saying that in the period of our engagement, and for some time prior, we knew we were going to get married, and it probably would have caused less stress, overall, if we had just done it.
I also wanted to address "bad sex." Why are you having bad sex? Is it because you're spending time looking at porn when you could be dreaming up fun things to do sexually with your spouse? Get a hotel room. Get a book with pictures ("The Joy of Sex" is great and the people in the drawings look like normal people). Do it outside. You (a general "you") are, what? in your 20s? This isn't a good sign. You should be deliberate about making your sex life better. I don't think it's dirty or wrong to seek out ideas and fun stuff to do. Someone needs to initiate, and it may as well be you.
That last post is mine. Realized I didn't assign myself a number or other identifying mark. Call me....Harold. That's a nice unisex name. Also, I'm sorry that I spelled "wholeheartedly" so wrong.
To Anonymous Movie Sex and Anonymous Harold--
I found your comments to be unhelpful and condescending. You're assuming incredible things about the sex lives of others, but you don't have complete information or a right to make those assumptions.
--Anonymous Patrick
To validate our last two anonymous posters somewhat, I can relate to what you're saying about feeling guilty about sex. As an unmarried Christian, I feel like I've been conditioned to view sex as something sinful because Biblically, it's forbidden until I say "I do" and yet our culture is saturated in it so I constantly have to be "on guard" against its tempations, lest I stumble. I wonder occasionally if I'll struggle with this in my own marriage when the time comes and I can have sex freely (with my wife, of course).
One thing that I think is important to keep in mind is that the decision to wait isn't based on some kind of abstract morality, as if I'm doing it to "be good" but don't really understand why. The rationale is actually pretty clearcut: I'm saving myself for my spouse. And while I can't claim to be able to get inside God's head, I have a feeling this is the reasoning behind the Biblical ban on fornication (for you other religious types).
This brings up an interesting question: Are couples who are pretty darn sure they're getting married and have already made an informal commitment to that covenant keeping the spirit of the law if they have sex before the marriage is "official?" Sure, there's that outlying chance that they'll decide not to go through with it after all, but is that any different then getting married before deciding that it's not going to work out and then getting a divorce? Any thoughts?
Also, Patrick, when are you going to update, dude? It's been almost a month to the day! =)
OK, this is a new anonymous person. Anonymous movie sex person, I can relate even though I'm not married nor am I having sex. My relationship with my significant other is more sexual than any of my other relationships that I've had as a Christian. It is also the healthiest and feels the safest.
Harold, the only reason I am not having sex right now is because we're not supposed to. I/We feel fine about waiting...we, like anonymous movie sex person before they got married, do "other things" and we're content in the varied excitement of that stuff. Of course, there are times I would love to just throw caution to the wind and go "all the way" but it's the limit we've set and I am somewhat excited to save some things for marriage.
Seth, I agree with you and have pondered many times before the whole "Keeping the spirit of the law" thing. Its like there are so many possibilities AFTER marriage....divorce, death, etc. that could happen....what is the hot button issues of avoiding this before marriage, even if you are comitted and intend to marry? I know that a big reason, at least practically speaking, is children. I mean, us getting pregnant right now would be very bad in terms of how it would look. And we're not financially ready anyway.
Is it wrong that I am more affected by the thought of co-habitating than I am by the thought of sex? Is it wrong that I am more affected by the idea of merging bank accounts than a penis in a vagina? Is that normal? I guess I don't feel like anything would change if we had sex tonight. We love each other. We're committed. We trust each other. We want the same things. We're not married yet because there are issues like finishing grad school and being able to afford a nice ring and the complexities of an apartment lease and some other things. And we haven't yet reached the customary "year" you have to date before you get engaged. ( I actually generally think that's a good idea.) Probably our society and us, specifically, places too much value on being "ready" for marriage on those levels. I mean, really, who cares if you have a big diamond or not?
The point is, I think we'll probably hold off at the very least until engagement, most likely until our wedding night. But I am not really sure why.
Call me Iggy Pop. I don't think Harold's comments were condescending or assuming. I think the way to look at his comments is that they are impowering. Guess what, you can have good sex. Great sex. Fun sex. Confident Sex. Guilt free sex with your spouse. Whatever it is you feel like you might be lacking. And I'm not assuming what you may or may not be lacking or why. The point is, it's attainable.
I, myself, find it very exciting to think about what I can do to make intimacy better, deeper, more fun. When I hear about another couple's successes, I'm very excited to go home and kind of try it out.
This is Harold. I'm not sure why you found my comments to be unhelpful or condescending. I am also not sure what "incredible" things you think I am assuming about anyone. The porn thing was just an example, as to say: it might be good to question what is "holding you back." Figure out what the root of the problem is. And for many men, the problem seems to be porn, or looking at other women and wishing (even subconsciously so) that your wife looked like her. Maybe that's not your problem. Maybe you need to rearrange your schedule so that you're not so tired at night or you're having sex at other times of the day when you're more "alert". This has been helpful in my own marriage. I certainly wasn't trying to point any fingers, just trying to troubleshoot a problem that had been expressed on this message board.
Harold and Movie-sex, the reason your posts sounded condescending to me (and I don't want to make a big deal about this) is that Movie-sex, you're looking down on any Christian with a bad sex life, attributing it to guilt and shame but not offering any helpful way out of the predicament other than "I figured it out on my own, so why can't you?"; Harold, you're assuming that my "bad sex" (NOT at ALL the words I used myself, and I'm assuming you were addressing my post because I'm the only one who mentioned it) is the result of...porn and/or a lack of trying? Surely you can see how offensive that is. I appreciate what you were trying to say, each of you, and I'm sure that wasn't quite the tone you were trying to convey.
Movie-sex, if you want to talk about why you think you managed to escape the guilt cycle you described or about how other Christians might be able to keep from "freaking out" when they cross the boundaries they've set, I think that would be awesome.
Harold, have you had any luck getting out of your own guilt cycle? Thinking you maybe should have just had sex before marriage seems like it would be a big deal. What makes you consider that?
For the record, I recognize the impact Christianity + sex + marriage + culture + guilt can have. It's a huge part of the POWER sex has in a person's life for good or for evil that I commented on earlier, which is why I am sensitive to it and eager for honest dialogue. This is the stuff we ALL deal with whether single, dating, or married.
This is movie sex person. I thought I did offer some suggestions but I guess they weren't direct enough. Here you go: Most of what I said pertained to setting up the structure of your sex life BEFORE marriage. since the people who probably want this advice are married, I will skip over that part. My main point is that we didn't allow guilt into our bedroom. If you already have, I guess you need to get rid of it. You need to do whatever it takes to free yourself of connecting sex with words like bad, shame, dirty, naughty, sin, etc. Replace those words with ones like fun, sexy, exciting, intimate, sensual, silly, passionate.
Are you comfortable naked with your spouse? Is your spouse comfortable naked? If not, get comfortable.
Does the same person always initiate sex? If so, change it up.
Do you do it in the same place? Get out of the bedroom and into the kitchen the yard at night or something. Do it with the lights on or the windows open. I really love the excitement that someone might be walking by on the sidewalk and hear us a little. They probably can't, but the thought is exciting.
Is the sex satisfying for both parties? If not, get on that real quick. There are helpful, non-pornographic web sites that can assist men in learning to produce regular, consistent female orgasm. Just use these as a guide because every girl is different.
Are you always quiet? Try being loud. Really loud. If you normally just amke little noises of appreciation, try being more verbal and descriptive. "I love it when you (blank) my (blank). This can be exciting as heck if you've never really done it!
Ever tried a sex toy? If you're both comfortable, go for it.
Get out of the house. Go to the Hampton Inn and order room service.
Get that book Harold suggested.
Make it a point to read some of those articles in magazines like Cosmopolitan and Maxum. You can skip the crap about using whip cream and sticking a donut on the end of your husband's ding-dong, but they have some interesting ideas. We've tried some. Ice cubes. Warm water. Different positions.
Have you heard of Kama Sutra? Look into it.
If you're the woman, go to Victoria's Secret and get something cute. If you're the man, get her a gift certificate.
Don't be afraid to explore little fetish-type things. Be careful here....things can get weird and out of hand if your more secret fantasies include farm animals. Take inventory and ditch what is just "wrong" but embrace the things that are more in the category of unusual. Don't be shy about confessing you get really excited when you see your wife in high heels. Women, from my experience, like to know what turns their men on. And vice versa. My significant other has a real thing for my behind and gets really happy when I show it off a little. One man I know really gets turned on when he hears his wife urinate. Maybe it's a little weird, but it's harmless as far as I can see. She says they get all giggly and excited when he hears her and they can have sex then. One couple I know love to do oral sex and touching things in the car when they are driving. We like to fool around in our neighbor's pool when they aren't home. How about listening to non-traditional music, like hard-core punk or frank sinatora or classical? I find music to be very mood-enhancing. There are books out there with all kinds of suggestions like these. I say just embrace a new "exploring" stage of your sex life and go for it.
Is this at all helpful??????
Thanks for the clarification! I'd really like to hear more about how you kept guilt out of your physical relationship before you were married. I agree that it is very important to keep that guilt out, but I find there's always disagreement on how to do that exactly. You seem to have positive experience to speak from. Would you mind posting what you consider the "secret" to your pre-marriage success on the marriage/sex/guilt thread? (its the newer blog post)
Alright, at this point I'm feeling a certain need to post this DISCLAIMER:
I am a pessimist by nature. I wish that I wasn't, but I am. I am working to change it, but it's slow. As such, I want to say (to give credit to my wife in particular, and to close any doubts I may have opened) that my sex life is a-ok. It is enjoyable and healthy. I consider it a work-in-progress, as it should be. My tone sometimes doesn't reflect that, mainly because I use this as a forum to work out problems, rarely to praise solutions. Maybe I'll work towards changing that too at some point. The end. (If only I'd posted anonymously!) :)
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