Winter Wonderland

Something occurred to me today, and I'm now wondering why no one ever mentioned this before.

Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream/drink by the fire
To face unafraid, the plans that we made...
Walking in a winter wonderland

"Conspire"? what are those people conspiring to do? Particularly when those plans force them to "face unafraid"?? What plots were they hatching??? This song reeks of sedition.

William Wilberforce

I think you should see the movie Amazing Grace. It's about the man who headed the movement to end the slave trade in Britain in the late 1700's and early 1800's.

I feel a deep harmony in stories like these, but also some guilt or something. The people who care this much, actually DO things. I don't. I wait for someone else to come and do things, and I try to help them do things. Or I distract myself and do nothing. But I hold hope that I'll do something someday.

Head Trauma

Today at work I hurt my head and blood came out. I am fine and continued with the work day. But it was exciting and I thought I'd tell you.

I was carrying a piece of scaffolding and tripped backwards as it got stuck on the other pieces of scaffolding. The damn thing fell on me and whacked me in the head. As I fell, I said, "O shit!" That is something to say when falling and thinking about the possibility of breaking bones because you are tangled in a piece of scaffolding which is falling on top of you. No bones broken, just a big bump and a few drops of blood. I put a rag on it, and it stopped bleeding quickly.

And for anyone so clever as to say, "So that's why he's that way," [laughlaugh] to you I say, I've always been this way. Ask anyone.

Heavily weighted in the mind

O there are so many things I would type here at the moment. I have a great load of things floating through my head, and I have been having a hard time lately making sense of it. I won't go into all of it, but I've been having a very hard time teasing this ball of yarn into something I can deal with. The pressures of keeping people happy, doing good work, feeling fulfilled, wondering if I'm "likable", being a servant, leading, not feeling supported or understood, meeting obligations set by others...I'm having a hard time.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting any of this here. I guess this is my thinking spot, as using MS Word is very yucky to me and writing on paper without edits takes too long when you're this verbose. :) I am tired and saddened and can't get these things out of my mind. I have a few people I need to talk to, then maybe more of the details can become public.

Here's a question that I think: am I losing my "saltiness" as a believer in Jesus, or is it the Christian culture around me? I feel like something inside me has been dying for a long time (years), but I still can't tell if what's dying is bad or good. There's simultaneously too much and not enough to compare it to. Too many voices. I desire to see the holy revolution that Jesus' spirit brings, but it seems so distant, so stymied, so muffled.

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." Matthew 5:13

Something is going to change. It's going to happen, just not sure what it is or when it will break.