O there are so many things I would type here at the moment. I have a great load of things floating through my head, and I have been having a hard time lately making sense of it. I won't go into all of it, but I've been having a very hard time teasing this ball of yarn into something I can deal with. The pressures of keeping people happy, doing good work, feeling fulfilled, wondering if I'm "likable", being a servant, leading, not feeling supported or understood, meeting obligations set by others...I'm having a hard time.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting any of this here. I guess this is my thinking spot, as using MS Word is very yucky to me and writing on paper without edits takes too long when you're this verbose. :) I am tired and saddened and can't get these things out of my mind. I have a few people I need to talk to, then maybe more of the details can become public.
Here's a question that I think: am I losing my "saltiness" as a believer in Jesus, or is it the Christian culture around me? I feel like something inside me has been dying for a long time (years), but I still can't tell if what's dying is bad or good. There's simultaneously too much and not enough to compare it to. Too many voices. I desire to see the holy revolution that Jesus' spirit brings, but it seems so distant, so stymied, so muffled.
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." Matthew 5:13
Something is going to change. It's going to happen, just not sure what it is or when it will break.
1 comment:
Want to talk?
Post a Comment