I wrote this a week or three ago. I guess this is a reasonable description of where I've been living for the past undefined expanse of time--not in a dramatic or you-should-be-concerned kind of way, more like my subconscious mindset...a pillar of thought upon which many other things rest.
In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.
And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.
2 comments:
I think you know that I believe you're worthwhile. I hope you do. We experienced far too much together for you to think otherwise. I made mention of this in my blog today. I'm sorry you're scared. I'm your friend.
so... i keep returning to this post, i start to write a comment, i end up faltering. about a dozen times now. it's difficult to be meaningful without sounding trite, without knowing you all that well.
i've learned in the past week or two that people are generally way less confident than they appear to be. so, there's a certain element of non-surprise at reading your post. would it be more or less encouraging to know that most of the population probably feels the same as you do?
patrick. you are a good man. i've seen/heard/read various things you create. and i will continue to see/hear/read the various things you create. i like them. and you. ah, if only we weren't so collectively introverted.
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