Laying it out there.

These are things that I feel like just need to be said. And I wish that other people could accept them.

I have a gruff, forward disposition that can comes across as mean. I rarely think of it as being mean when I say whatever I'm saying. Something happens in the transition from thought to communication that junks it up. While I would love for my communication habits and thought patterns in this area to change radically, admittedly this is highly unlikely. It would take too much effort, patience, and consistent feedback--three things in short supply at the moment.

I love my wife all the time, even when I am seemingly mean to her. Even when we have fights and disagreements and are actively not liking each other. Even when I push her away, I usually want her close. But for reasons I have an incredibly difficult time controlling, I play "hard to get".

I want to be wanted, but I often unintentionally make people "prove" it by working for it (see above). There is so much packed into this thought, and I can't say any more right now.