Thursday, March 22, 2007
An article about infidelity in the US and Europe
Read this article about infidelity (which is a bit long for the internet). It'll take maybe 5-10 minutes. Then post your response here in the comments section. Try not to comment on the author or on the quality of the article itself, but on the broader topic and what thoughts or feelings it stirs in you. You can post anonymously if you want.
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9 comments:
It seems that you are all super-lame for not reading or responding to the requested article. I am genuinely disappointed.
ok, ok - i will comment. i think cheating is kind of sick and i would be absolutely horrified if that happened in my relationship. however, i will say that it is possible (biblical stuff aside if that is ok to seperate for a moment) that maybe part of the reason infidelity ruins relationships is PARTLY because we tout it as the ultimate sin...worse than anything else. because that message is sent so consistently, we believe that an affair is the absolute end of the relationship. Maybe.
ok. so. i am a little mortified at the thought of cheating being okay. ever. i mean... that whole adultery thing? is pretty biblical, yes? and is that not the only reason given for divorce being okay according to, you know, jesus? so i think that's where we get the idea that it's the end of the relationship. not that it SHOULD or HAS TO be, mind you. but it's, like, an out. in red letters. hmmm.
i do agree with the article in the "lofty ideals" of marriage -- that this one person is expected to fulfill all your needs, and vice versa. which is ridiculous. no one person can bring out all the facets of another... we all need different people to help us bring out our full selves. but of course that doesn't mean you have to have SEX with all these people. i mean come on. anyway, that part is what resonated with me the most, since i am on the outside looking in, and get uber-frustrated when people get married and suddenly drop off the face of the earth. friends help you become the person you are for years and years. not just spouses. [stepping off soapbox, please disregard any unsound emotional arguments above]
the other part that angered/horrified me is that it seems the Cheating Is Okay arguments are based on the age old Men As Conquerors and Women As Whores/Property view. this is just the vibe i got, which may or may not be true, as they interviewed cheating women as well.
how's that for conversation?
so apparently i totally skipped jessi's parenthetical disclaimer. sorry about that.
but biblical stuff aside, isn't being unfaithful pretty much taking out the basic foundation blocks of any relationship? with an enormous wrecking ball? i think trust is a universally human need in any relationship, regardless of religion or creed.
Alright, here is what i think.... even if I am lame for not responding sooner. Although I don't remember reading Patrick's views on this subject either.
The thought of cheating being alright just scares me. Something deep inside of me finds the idea of sleeping with another person who is not your husband/wife dreadful, and just wrong.
The man in the article who was upfront and showed the woman who he was about to sleep with his wedding ring and said "this changes nothing" proves to me that something is wrong. He says that nothing will change and that he doesn't love his wife any less by sleeping with another woman, but yet by the end of the article something HAD changed and it wasn't in his control. I don't believe that you can have sex with someone without it changing you and the relationship you have with the other person.
Now to share with another person what you promised (in marriage) to give to your wife/husband alone is (in my view) incredibly selfish and damaging. It leaves the other person feeling as if something was stolen from them, which it was.
When people tell me that animals are not life-long mates, and that we are trying to fight biology by getting married I listen politely, but will never agree with them. I know somewhere deep inside that this is wrong and we are not "confined by biology."
I hope that makes sense, or at least gets my point across.
"When I ask why we're the only country whose relationships often collapse immediately under the weight of a discovered infidelity, he says that in other countries women have fewer rights. Men cheat, and women have no leverage to stop them or to complain. It's not a matter of tolerance but of unequal freedoms. He reminds me that in some countries, women are stoned to death for adultery."
And in that quote lies a big part of answer to his question (IMO). I think this country, for all it's faults, has a higher view of women than many other countries. I saw this in Honduras. Men were married, but it was assumed they had girlfriends, etc.
I have to believe that God's way is the best way. I have to believe that even if situations, or my "loins" suggest otherwise... even if it seems there is no guilt... God's way is the best way.
And the "no guilt" argument doesn't hold water to me... people can mask their guilt. "My conscious is clear but that doesn't make me innocent."
I could comment more but I sense no one is reading at this point.
I'm just saying that NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE IS A CHRISTIAN. Of course we think cheating is wrong because we believe these very specific things about marriage because we are Christians. I thought that much was pretty obvious, but apparently not. I don't think many Christians would argue that cheating is ok (maybe they would...and I would be really interesdted in how someone would come to that conclusions.)
What seems far more interesting to me to think about, which I tried to put out there the first time...is that if you ARE NOT a Christian, and lots of great, smart people out there are not, then maybe the reason why AMERICANS (not synonymous with CHRISTIAN) think cheating is such a big deal is because of the ideals that our society and government emphasize. Cheating is scandelous. That is what makes the papers. And I think the reason it is scandelous is not because we are more moral or more Christian...we are just conditioned to think that is one of the really bad sins.
I am not interested in the argument of whether or not Christians think cheating is wrong. Because it seems so obvious. But I am interested in why other Americans think it is so bad when in other countries they don't.
I do think Paul makes an interesting point about the value of women. I think that has some meat to it.
In my response i never said anything about my feelings being based on the fact that I'm a Christian. I have had these feelings about cheating long before I ever thought about becoming a Christ-follower.
I stand by my view on marriage vows because weather or not a person is Christian doesn't matter when they make a vow to be faithful to each other. Now if in their marriage vows they agreed to "forsake all others, except when I can get a quicky from that girl in a bar" then I would have no argument. But that sounds a little less romantic, no?
"loins". ew.
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