An alternate title for this post might be: jaded bitchfest.
So, I think I am tired of thinking about the heavy things in the world. I spent large quantities of energy writing about that stuff on this weblog, and nothing has changed. And I never expected it to. But that energy had to go somewhere. And now I am jaded about weblogging. Because it is dumb. Another excuse for people to not talk to each other in meaningful ways. If I post all my feelings and thoughts on a blog, then 1. I am spending time alone to do it 2. I assume that people will read it and develop a stronger affection for me because they now know my thoughts and feelings on important matters or life circumstances. Which socially just doesn't and can't happen the same way it does if we're making eye contact.
I wish sometimes that American life was hard again. Meaning, I wish we were a Second World country. Wealth has made us sucky and cocky. Well, that's where I pin my own insecurities anyway. I want too many things, there are too many things to want, and people spend the money I give them to create schemes to make me want even more things I don't need. Fuck it. I'm tired of people making me want things that I don't need, distracting me to the point of my own and our culture's detriment. I want to see the things in life that are important, and I can't because there are too many other things to want. And even when I can see the issues, I am torn because I also want a motorcycle, or a PS3, or even new brakes on my car or to make an extra payment on the mortgage.
I don't want to want things anymore. I want to want the Truth. I want to work for Freedom and Redemption from evil. I capitalize those things because they are real things, important things. I reread my very first post today, and I still want those things.
And I don't want to write about it on some damned weblog. I want to talk about it in a normal way like normal people used to, in the days before idiot technology ruined things by separating us with screens and earbuds. But I can't, because there isn't a natural medium for that kind of dialogue. No one sits on their front porch anymore because we're too busy not sharing our things and minding our own business.
I wish that I was so rich that I could give away half my income and still live comfortably. Then, I could be at home in both the American and the Jesus-centered worlds. [This is not a true solution. This is a bullshit solution so I don't have to change my life. I get Jesus' approval and esteem in American culture. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but you get the idea.]
No. I wish that I could love the Lord my God with all my heart. With all my soul. With all my mind. And with all my strength. But I can't. Or I won't. Or I can't tell the difference.
3 comments:
i want to comment, but maybe we should do it face to face
somehow i don't see blogging as quite as black and white as you do... but to each his own.
i do agree with not wanting things. in fact i have already designated tonight as the first night of a Getting Rid Of Crap I Don't Need In My Apartment era.
and i fully realize the irony of posting this comment. but as you say... fuck it.
I think there are advantages to blogging. Clearly you do as well or you wouldn't continue to write in yours. Face to face communication is obviously preferrable, but often distance makes that impossible. Without the Internet, and more specifically, without blogs, I probably wouldn't be able to keep in touch with any of my friends from back home/college. I could call them, sure, but with the pace of life and the time difference, that's often difficult as well. It does remove some of the humanity out of communication, but with one blog post, anyone who cares to keep in touch can read as much or as little about me as I care to share without me having to find time to have those conversations with 10 different people separately. I think it's a good thing.
Post a Comment