My freetime has been consumed with Squid Games lately, so it seems. Well, more my thoughts than my time. I am very much beginning to see this as a viable outlet for creativity as well as a viable business option. (My definition of "viable business option" is that Squid Games will make a profit, even if it's only one dollar.) In short, this thing is doable. It will certainly take time, because time is money, and I don't have any money, so it will take time for the time to turn into money. For business plans and organization and lawyer's fees and company registration fees and start-up expenses. But all this is doable.
Coincidentally, I'm considering sticking a PayPal donation button on the Squid Games blog. Whether you'd give or not, do you think this is a good idea? Do you think I would actually fetch some donations this way? Is it too needy for a "business"?
Also, you should go to the Squid Games blog again if you haven't reently. I update it weekly, and there are good things on there. Might even get you interested in strategy games. Just might. Also, once you go there, tell me what you think or post a comment. We haven't received any comments at Squid Games yet.
In other game news, I finished the painting of the War of the Ring miniatures. Did you hear me? I finished them. They are finished. Five months later. They have been completed. I painted all of them. All 180 or whatever of them. If you don't understand, I will show you. I am going on vacation this week and next. Upon my return, I will photograph the miniatures. Then I will display those photographs here. You will witness the spectacle that has taken over 60 hours of squinting and cramped hands. They look incredible. You will see. You will see. You will not understand.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
No News is Good News
Nothing happening, yet I feel the need to post.
I am almost finished with a gigantic project. A few more hours, and it will be completed. I will post pictures when it is finished. Painting miniatures. Over 150 of them.
The Squid Studios site has been updated a few times since its original announcement. Check it out over there to the right. Haven't had much time to work on the games lately because I want to finish these other large projects to free up my schedule and attention, and I think that should be happening in another week or two. For some reason, I've been avoiding the GCH recordings. They need about 10 more hours of work, and I'm putting them off. I always do that with my music related projects. It makes me feel crappy, because I wish I would just do the work. "I can' do the wuuk!" It shouldn't require so much bucking up. Yet it does.
I've been thinking about that lately. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be that bizarre twist in my work ethic. The thing that pauses all my best projects at 80%. Anything that is an expression of myself. I take it too personally? I am afraid of rejection. To separate myself from my work, let it stand alone. That is what I desire. But then I can't take credit for it. Then I shouldn't take credit for it. I should be content to be adequate, without feeling a need to justify. I will make improvements in this area.
I feel that the collapse of American culture is inevitable, largely because of the severe breakdown in family relations and the societal expectations (or lack thereof) of/on parents and youth. Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 50. The giant is sliding, and we won't stop. Your answer? What say ye to this?
I am almost finished with a gigantic project. A few more hours, and it will be completed. I will post pictures when it is finished. Painting miniatures. Over 150 of them.
The Squid Studios site has been updated a few times since its original announcement. Check it out over there to the right. Haven't had much time to work on the games lately because I want to finish these other large projects to free up my schedule and attention, and I think that should be happening in another week or two. For some reason, I've been avoiding the GCH recordings. They need about 10 more hours of work, and I'm putting them off. I always do that with my music related projects. It makes me feel crappy, because I wish I would just do the work. "I can' do the wuuk!" It shouldn't require so much bucking up. Yet it does.
I've been thinking about that lately. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be that bizarre twist in my work ethic. The thing that pauses all my best projects at 80%. Anything that is an expression of myself. I take it too personally? I am afraid of rejection. To separate myself from my work, let it stand alone. That is what I desire. But then I can't take credit for it. Then I shouldn't take credit for it. I should be content to be adequate, without feeling a need to justify. I will make improvements in this area.
I feel that the collapse of American culture is inevitable, largely because of the severe breakdown in family relations and the societal expectations (or lack thereof) of/on parents and youth. Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 50. The giant is sliding, and we won't stop. Your answer? What say ye to this?
Monday, July 03, 2006
These are my dogs
Aren't they great? This is Kessel's first time in a helmet, and she seems very pleased with herself. Mulder is always very serious when wearing a helmet.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Squid Studios Game Design
I'd like to invite and welcome you to check out my new and big project: Squid Studios Games.
I hope to take it as far as my talent (and the talent of a few talented friends) will take it. Squid Games isn't incorporated or anything (yet), but I am still excited about the potential of creating fun games and (way into the theoretical future) getting paid money for it. Actually, I'm just excited about making games period, even if my friends and I are the only ones to ever play them!
I am currently Project Designer for Squid Studios, but I have some smart and creative guys helping me out tremendously. Kevin Jacobson, Brad Metzler, and Ben Lachman are all on my informal development team, and I think Aaron Schlagbaum will end up helping with the visual design.
There's a little envelope icon at the bottom of the Squid Games site. You can use it (and please do) to point anyone at all that might be interested in what we're doing towards, well, towards what we're doing. The more momentumand support behind this, the more likely we'll finish the games and either sell them to a publisher or try to publish them ourselves. Both would be new and huge undertakings for me.
I hope to take it as far as my talent (and the talent of a few talented friends) will take it. Squid Games isn't incorporated or anything (yet), but I am still excited about the potential of creating fun games and (way into the theoretical future) getting paid money for it. Actually, I'm just excited about making games period, even if my friends and I are the only ones to ever play them!
I am currently Project Designer for Squid Studios, but I have some smart and creative guys helping me out tremendously. Kevin Jacobson, Brad Metzler, and Ben Lachman are all on my informal development team, and I think Aaron Schlagbaum will end up helping with the visual design.
There's a little envelope icon at the bottom of the Squid Games site. You can use it (and please do) to point anyone at all that might be interested in what we're doing towards, well, towards what we're doing. The more momentumand support behind this, the more likely we'll finish the games and either sell them to a publisher or try to publish them ourselves. Both would be new and huge undertakings for me.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Games!
I want to know the funnest game(s) you've ever played. List as many non-video games as you can, if you're one of those types who mainly only play video games. "Games" is here defined as an organized system of fun. Objectives of some variety in the game are preferable but not required. See my Gameplay Resume (or Avant Game's) for examples of different games.
ps: "funnest" is, in fact, grammatically correct, if not culturally preferred. Besides, it's my blog and I do what I please here.
ps: "funnest" is, in fact, grammatically correct, if not culturally preferred. Besides, it's my blog and I do what I please here.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
My problems with blogging
I stopped maintaining this blog awhile back, and now I've started again. I stopped for reasons, and I've started for reasons, but neither decision was concrete or formal. I've been thinking lately about why blogging is hard for me to do, why it's always an issue, why I only seem to post things that are light and fluffy or hard and serious. Or swear words.
There is a tension between me and blogging. I usually feel it and it usually bothers me, but only recently have I given much thought as to what or why. Like so many thing we do in our lives, it wasn't really a conscious thing before this restart. So, here we go. Let's try to organize these thoughts now, shall we? I wonder what we'll get.
One thing should be stated first. I am not much of a halfway person. I am either in or out, hot or cold, loving it or hating it. Whatever it is. I try very hard to be wise and balaced in this. Oddly, this is something I'm only now starting to recognize (although I can now see that many of you have known this for awhile--thanks for telling me, jerkfaces). This is so close to the center of me, I think I had a hard time seeing it. I don't know what makes me this way, and it isn't something that I have a great deal of control over, but I now see that I've been this way for a good long while. I see it as a strength, as it gives me a focused, if sometimes searing, critical eye. And, let's all say it together, strengths can be counted as firm weaknesses in many circumstances.
This plays out in a few ways. One, I say things very strongly and definitively, even though it's not nearly as solid in my own heart and mind. It's just the way I talk, even to myself. Regardless of how firmly I say, feel, or think something, my opinions do, in fact, change significantly upon receiving new or better information. I don't project that sensitivity in my speech. Two, I have a tendecy towards making judgements and proclamations. Good, bad, ugly--I have to claim them all. Three, I'm either satisfied with myself, or I'm not. I either like blogs and blogging, or I don't.
On the petty side, I get frustrated with blogging because I don't know who my audience is or how many people are regular readers. Sometimes I'm my own audience (today), but usually I'm writing for you/us. This is a public forum, after all.
I am disappointed in the medium of blogging as a means toward intimacy and friendship for two reasons. First, contact through blogging isn't nearly as personal, real, or authentic as being in person. As with all digital media, there's too much context removed. That probably goes without saying. In this sense, I find people using a blog as a replacement for real contact, myself included. It could be said that blogging makes certain conversatons/polls more efficient, and it could be said that it's easier for us to say things in writing on the internet. But why can't we just hang out and say important things to each other? Oh yeah, because no one has time anymore. And besides, blogging is easier because you can't call me out on anything mid-sentence, and then you have to leave a public post to boot.
Second, but related, is something more difficult to describe, but also more troubling to me: confused emotional and personal boundaries. I see this on other blogs and do this myself, but can't define it well. In short I guess it's the "hey, look at me" factor: attention grabbing. Not everyone does this, but most of us do. Seeking validation by sounding pitifull, jaded, or melancholy; one-upping with humor or intellect; boasting about exploits or name-dropping; private emotional responses gone public (like this one, I guess). Whatever gets you to realize that my blog, and therefore I myself, am cooler than most of the other blogs (people) out there. ...Or at least cool enough to warrant your continued attention and affection. Maybe I say that because I don't feel as worthy of attention as other people/blogs. I want that validation so much (though I feel like I shouldn't) so I see it all over the place--people busy being better and more attractive than I am. Or just better at drawing positive attention toward themselves. You pick.
But this isn't news: it's what people do. Hardly anyone, if anyone, would admit that they are grabbing for the attention of others, but most of us are subconsciously looking for that validation all the time. That's why I call it "confused" emotional boundaries: it seems more unnatural to me when it's online, maybe because we don't have the option of politely and casually ignoring it the way we can in normal conversation, or of steering it towards something healthier. After all, I'm commiting my attention to the attention-grabbing behavior just by reading the blog entry, right? That's not as easy to let slide. And along these same lines, since most people don't leave any sort of feedback, the conversation is even further removed from "normal." I can post anything I want without great concern for the looks, cues, or comments I might otherwise expect in person.
I am a people pleaser comparing myself to others. This is for myself mainly, because I don't like that I do these things and with such difficulty.
So, why write all this? Because I don't want to care anymore. Because if this is the media we're using, than this is where these thoughts belong. Because I started this, and want to finish it. Because you've participated in this with me so far, and I would like to keep you abreast of where I am in it. Because maybe I'm not the only one dealing with these thoughts. Because maybe you should be dealing with them too.
Because people don't say things like these to each other often enough: the true things that we are thinking and feeling. Maybe this is homework for me: being more transparent.
There is a tension between me and blogging. I usually feel it and it usually bothers me, but only recently have I given much thought as to what or why. Like so many thing we do in our lives, it wasn't really a conscious thing before this restart. So, here we go. Let's try to organize these thoughts now, shall we? I wonder what we'll get.
One thing should be stated first. I am not much of a halfway person. I am either in or out, hot or cold, loving it or hating it. Whatever it is. I try very hard to be wise and balaced in this. Oddly, this is something I'm only now starting to recognize (although I can now see that many of you have known this for awhile--thanks for telling me, jerkfaces). This is so close to the center of me, I think I had a hard time seeing it. I don't know what makes me this way, and it isn't something that I have a great deal of control over, but I now see that I've been this way for a good long while. I see it as a strength, as it gives me a focused, if sometimes searing, critical eye. And, let's all say it together, strengths can be counted as firm weaknesses in many circumstances.
This plays out in a few ways. One, I say things very strongly and definitively, even though it's not nearly as solid in my own heart and mind. It's just the way I talk, even to myself. Regardless of how firmly I say, feel, or think something, my opinions do, in fact, change significantly upon receiving new or better information. I don't project that sensitivity in my speech. Two, I have a tendecy towards making judgements and proclamations. Good, bad, ugly--I have to claim them all. Three, I'm either satisfied with myself, or I'm not. I either like blogs and blogging, or I don't.
On the petty side, I get frustrated with blogging because I don't know who my audience is or how many people are regular readers. Sometimes I'm my own audience (today), but usually I'm writing for you/us. This is a public forum, after all.
I am disappointed in the medium of blogging as a means toward intimacy and friendship for two reasons. First, contact through blogging isn't nearly as personal, real, or authentic as being in person. As with all digital media, there's too much context removed. That probably goes without saying. In this sense, I find people using a blog as a replacement for real contact, myself included. It could be said that blogging makes certain conversatons/polls more efficient, and it could be said that it's easier for us to say things in writing on the internet. But why can't we just hang out and say important things to each other? Oh yeah, because no one has time anymore. And besides, blogging is easier because you can't call me out on anything mid-sentence, and then you have to leave a public post to boot.
Second, but related, is something more difficult to describe, but also more troubling to me: confused emotional and personal boundaries. I see this on other blogs and do this myself, but can't define it well. In short I guess it's the "hey, look at me" factor: attention grabbing. Not everyone does this, but most of us do. Seeking validation by sounding pitifull, jaded, or melancholy; one-upping with humor or intellect; boasting about exploits or name-dropping; private emotional responses gone public (like this one, I guess). Whatever gets you to realize that my blog, and therefore I myself, am cooler than most of the other blogs (people) out there. ...Or at least cool enough to warrant your continued attention and affection. Maybe I say that because I don't feel as worthy of attention as other people/blogs. I want that validation so much (though I feel like I shouldn't) so I see it all over the place--people busy being better and more attractive than I am. Or just better at drawing positive attention toward themselves. You pick.
But this isn't news: it's what people do. Hardly anyone, if anyone, would admit that they are grabbing for the attention of others, but most of us are subconsciously looking for that validation all the time. That's why I call it "confused" emotional boundaries: it seems more unnatural to me when it's online, maybe because we don't have the option of politely and casually ignoring it the way we can in normal conversation, or of steering it towards something healthier. After all, I'm commiting my attention to the attention-grabbing behavior just by reading the blog entry, right? That's not as easy to let slide. And along these same lines, since most people don't leave any sort of feedback, the conversation is even further removed from "normal." I can post anything I want without great concern for the looks, cues, or comments I might otherwise expect in person.
I am a people pleaser comparing myself to others. This is for myself mainly, because I don't like that I do these things and with such difficulty.
So, why write all this? Because I don't want to care anymore. Because if this is the media we're using, than this is where these thoughts belong. Because I started this, and want to finish it. Because you've participated in this with me so far, and I would like to keep you abreast of where I am in it. Because maybe I'm not the only one dealing with these thoughts. Because maybe you should be dealing with them too.
Because people don't say things like these to each other often enough: the true things that we are thinking and feeling. Maybe this is homework for me: being more transparent.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
My Gameplay Resume
This post is inspired by Avant Game's own Gameplay Resume. You should write and post your own as well!
Childhood: 1977-1989: Emerging imagination
--Being smaller than my peers and having two younger brothers reinforces my interest in imaginative rather than athletic games
--Pong, against myself on a B/W television stored in a bedroom closet
--Games revolve around fantasy settings, identities, and the construction of bases, vehicles, weapons, and/or tools out of blankets, tents, Construx, Legos, and any common household items
Lessons learned: Anything can become a game anywhere with anyone. You can't be too old to play. Also, younger brothers can be swayed to play games the way you want to play them.
Early Teen Years: 1990-1992: Introductions
--Thumb blisters after all-night NES at friends': Contra, Mega Man, Double Dragon, Ninja Gaiden, TMNT, TMNT2
--Strategy Board Games: youth pastor Dan S teaches then crushes me in RISK and a Civil War battle sim with little cardboard chit pieces.
Lessons learned: sleeping is unnecessary. Losing can be fun if the environment is right. Gameplay is often a powerful reinforcer.
Late Teen Years: 1993-1995: RPGs
--Video: Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Chrono Trigger, Shadowrun
--Pen & Paper: player or Game Master for Star Wars RPG campaigns
Lessons learned: imagination and creativity are to be prized. Teamwork is often best. Fantasy settings provide a more comfortable place for people to explore and practice social skills, both in the fantasy world and in the gaming circle.
College: 1995-2000: Social Gaming
--Large group games: Mafia, Assassins (aka Werewolf), Bigger and Better (aka the Paperclip Game), town-wide scavenger hunt
Lessons learned: I'm more comfortable in large groups than I thought. People (even most strangers) are nicer than perceived. The world can be a playground for adults too. Strangers will sometimes trade a working vaccuum cleaner for a votive candle.
Young Adulthood: 2000-present: Board Game Glory
--A rediscovery of table-top gaming: Formula De, Twilight Imperium, War of the Ring, Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan, Samurai, Ticket to Ride, Shadows over Camelot, Carcassonne
--Creation of my own games: Liege Lords and the tentatively titled Escape, both coming soon to a nerd store near you :)
Lessons learned: good friends can be found unexpectedly. Game design is fun, stimulating, fulfilling, and refreshing. Also, I have "shifty eyes".
Childhood: 1977-1989: Emerging imagination
--Being smaller than my peers and having two younger brothers reinforces my interest in imaginative rather than athletic games
--Pong, against myself on a B/W television stored in a bedroom closet
--Games revolve around fantasy settings, identities, and the construction of bases, vehicles, weapons, and/or tools out of blankets, tents, Construx, Legos, and any common household items
Lessons learned: Anything can become a game anywhere with anyone. You can't be too old to play. Also, younger brothers can be swayed to play games the way you want to play them.
Early Teen Years: 1990-1992: Introductions
--Thumb blisters after all-night NES at friends': Contra, Mega Man, Double Dragon, Ninja Gaiden, TMNT, TMNT2
--Strategy Board Games: youth pastor Dan S teaches then crushes me in RISK and a Civil War battle sim with little cardboard chit pieces.
Lessons learned: sleeping is unnecessary. Losing can be fun if the environment is right. Gameplay is often a powerful reinforcer.
Late Teen Years: 1993-1995: RPGs
--Video: Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Chrono Trigger, Shadowrun
--Pen & Paper: player or Game Master for Star Wars RPG campaigns
Lessons learned: imagination and creativity are to be prized. Teamwork is often best. Fantasy settings provide a more comfortable place for people to explore and practice social skills, both in the fantasy world and in the gaming circle.
College: 1995-2000: Social Gaming
--Large group games: Mafia, Assassins (aka Werewolf), Bigger and Better (aka the Paperclip Game), town-wide scavenger hunt
Lessons learned: I'm more comfortable in large groups than I thought. People (even most strangers) are nicer than perceived. The world can be a playground for adults too. Strangers will sometimes trade a working vaccuum cleaner for a votive candle.
Young Adulthood: 2000-present: Board Game Glory
--A rediscovery of table-top gaming: Formula De, Twilight Imperium, War of the Ring, Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan, Samurai, Ticket to Ride, Shadows over Camelot, Carcassonne
--Creation of my own games: Liege Lords and the tentatively titled Escape, both coming soon to a nerd store near you :)
Lessons learned: good friends can be found unexpectedly. Game design is fun, stimulating, fulfilling, and refreshing. Also, I have "shifty eyes".
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
the return of Mouthing Off
An alternate title for this post might be: jaded bitchfest.
So, I think I am tired of thinking about the heavy things in the world. I spent large quantities of energy writing about that stuff on this weblog, and nothing has changed. And I never expected it to. But that energy had to go somewhere. And now I am jaded about weblogging. Because it is dumb. Another excuse for people to not talk to each other in meaningful ways. If I post all my feelings and thoughts on a blog, then 1. I am spending time alone to do it 2. I assume that people will read it and develop a stronger affection for me because they now know my thoughts and feelings on important matters or life circumstances. Which socially just doesn't and can't happen the same way it does if we're making eye contact.
I wish sometimes that American life was hard again. Meaning, I wish we were a Second World country. Wealth has made us sucky and cocky. Well, that's where I pin my own insecurities anyway. I want too many things, there are too many things to want, and people spend the money I give them to create schemes to make me want even more things I don't need. Fuck it. I'm tired of people making me want things that I don't need, distracting me to the point of my own and our culture's detriment. I want to see the things in life that are important, and I can't because there are too many other things to want. And even when I can see the issues, I am torn because I also want a motorcycle, or a PS3, or even new brakes on my car or to make an extra payment on the mortgage.
I don't want to want things anymore. I want to want the Truth. I want to work for Freedom and Redemption from evil. I capitalize those things because they are real things, important things. I reread my very first post today, and I still want those things.
And I don't want to write about it on some damned weblog. I want to talk about it in a normal way like normal people used to, in the days before idiot technology ruined things by separating us with screens and earbuds. But I can't, because there isn't a natural medium for that kind of dialogue. No one sits on their front porch anymore because we're too busy not sharing our things and minding our own business.
I wish that I was so rich that I could give away half my income and still live comfortably. Then, I could be at home in both the American and the Jesus-centered worlds. [This is not a true solution. This is a bullshit solution so I don't have to change my life. I get Jesus' approval and esteem in American culture. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but you get the idea.]
No. I wish that I could love the Lord my God with all my heart. With all my soul. With all my mind. And with all my strength. But I can't. Or I won't. Or I can't tell the difference.
So, I think I am tired of thinking about the heavy things in the world. I spent large quantities of energy writing about that stuff on this weblog, and nothing has changed. And I never expected it to. But that energy had to go somewhere. And now I am jaded about weblogging. Because it is dumb. Another excuse for people to not talk to each other in meaningful ways. If I post all my feelings and thoughts on a blog, then 1. I am spending time alone to do it 2. I assume that people will read it and develop a stronger affection for me because they now know my thoughts and feelings on important matters or life circumstances. Which socially just doesn't and can't happen the same way it does if we're making eye contact.
I wish sometimes that American life was hard again. Meaning, I wish we were a Second World country. Wealth has made us sucky and cocky. Well, that's where I pin my own insecurities anyway. I want too many things, there are too many things to want, and people spend the money I give them to create schemes to make me want even more things I don't need. Fuck it. I'm tired of people making me want things that I don't need, distracting me to the point of my own and our culture's detriment. I want to see the things in life that are important, and I can't because there are too many other things to want. And even when I can see the issues, I am torn because I also want a motorcycle, or a PS3, or even new brakes on my car or to make an extra payment on the mortgage.
I don't want to want things anymore. I want to want the Truth. I want to work for Freedom and Redemption from evil. I capitalize those things because they are real things, important things. I reread my very first post today, and I still want those things.
And I don't want to write about it on some damned weblog. I want to talk about it in a normal way like normal people used to, in the days before idiot technology ruined things by separating us with screens and earbuds. But I can't, because there isn't a natural medium for that kind of dialogue. No one sits on their front porch anymore because we're too busy not sharing our things and minding our own business.
I wish that I was so rich that I could give away half my income and still live comfortably. Then, I could be at home in both the American and the Jesus-centered worlds. [This is not a true solution. This is a bullshit solution so I don't have to change my life. I get Jesus' approval and esteem in American culture. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but you get the idea.]
No. I wish that I could love the Lord my God with all my heart. With all my soul. With all my mind. And with all my strength. But I can't. Or I won't. Or I can't tell the difference.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
For dinner tonight.
--a box of spiral mac & cheese with Texas Pete's hot sauce
--a can of Pabst (or PBR, if you prefer, which I sometimes do)
Deliciousness.
--a can of Pabst (or PBR, if you prefer, which I sometimes do)
Deliciousness.
This is one of the reasons why my wife is incredible.
She took me to see the following wonders. You have no idea how huge they are in person. Oh, AND she arranged for me to obtain an autographed Boba Fett helmet--signed, of course, by the guy who played him: Jeremy Bulloch. I watched him sign it. He also gave me a great wedding gift for my friend, Jon: an autographed pic of Fett congratulating the new couple...and saying, "I'm watching you!"
Monday, June 12, 2006
I don't want to work here anymore
Can anyone out there direct me toward resources to become a game designer? (games in general,/non-video game specific programs) I'm going to learn the science of games: sociology, math, psychology, the works, the gamut, the kit-n-kaboodle.
I am wasting here.
I am wasting here.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Le Parkour
This might be one of the coolest things I've seen in awhile. I need two volunteers to help spot me as I learn to wallflip. Who's in?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Something different
I've added a new link. I found it at random on the blogger homepage, and I really like it. Granted, I've been in a very game-designy mood and mode lately. So, now you can check out Jane McGonigal's weblog, and various interesting things that are linked from it. She's a game designer studying and/or teaching at Berkley. I'm not sure quite which. It's over there on the right.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Return of the Jedi
That's me. I'm the Jedi. Except that I'd rather just be a simple man trying to make my way in the universe. Jedi have too many responsibilities and they are expected to act in certain ways. And Sith are self-centered bastards.
I got Jeremy Bolloch's autograph this weekend. He's the guy that played Boba Fett. He signed my Fett helmet. He also provided me with a kick-ass wedding present for my friend Jon, whose wedding was this weekend. They had very efficient table service and quite tasty food at the reception. Perhaps the best I've had to date, though my memory tends to favor the present.
We'll see how much of this (blogging) stuff I do. I'm tired of provoking people, tired of bitching about my job/life, tired of trying to determine what to say or how. Too much negotiation.
My life isn't about anything right now. It's about living one day to the next as best I can. I desire purpose. And/Or money. I desire to be wired a different way. I desire a departure from the stagnancy that has come to define my last few years.
Tell me about the most fun game you've ever played.
I got Jeremy Bolloch's autograph this weekend. He's the guy that played Boba Fett. He signed my Fett helmet. He also provided me with a kick-ass wedding present for my friend Jon, whose wedding was this weekend. They had very efficient table service and quite tasty food at the reception. Perhaps the best I've had to date, though my memory tends to favor the present.
We'll see how much of this (blogging) stuff I do. I'm tired of provoking people, tired of bitching about my job/life, tired of trying to determine what to say or how. Too much negotiation.
My life isn't about anything right now. It's about living one day to the next as best I can. I desire purpose. And/Or money. I desire to be wired a different way. I desire a departure from the stagnancy that has come to define my last few years.
Tell me about the most fun game you've ever played.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
hello
So, I've been away for awhile, and I will probably be away for awhile longer still. I've fallen out of the habit of checking my email at home, which means I rarely if ever check this weblog.
While I've been away I had Thanksgiving with my family in Tennessee (which I very much enjoyed), got depressed, saw a counselor, got mostly over it, decorated gingerbread cookies with my talented wife, had Christmas with Sarah's family, started painting the miniatures that came with the game I got for Christmas (War of the Ring), went to a wedding at which I got to ring the bell, had a lovely New Years (even if it was without Sarah or Kevin), and got swamped with stuff at work. This is the last week of the super-swamp, then next week is a lighter swamp, then I'm out of the marshes for a few weeks until new stuff comes up. I'm still looking for a new career and feeling torn about the desire for money versus being content with life as it is.
Also, my brother Peter bought me 8 cans of Skyline chili for Christmas. I bought him the game Zombies!!!
While I've been away I had Thanksgiving with my family in Tennessee (which I very much enjoyed), got depressed, saw a counselor, got mostly over it, decorated gingerbread cookies with my talented wife, had Christmas with Sarah's family, started painting the miniatures that came with the game I got for Christmas (War of the Ring), went to a wedding at which I got to ring the bell, had a lovely New Years (even if it was without Sarah or Kevin), and got swamped with stuff at work. This is the last week of the super-swamp, then next week is a lighter swamp, then I'm out of the marshes for a few weeks until new stuff comes up. I'm still looking for a new career and feeling torn about the desire for money versus being content with life as it is.
Also, my brother Peter bought me 8 cans of Skyline chili for Christmas. I bought him the game Zombies!!!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
This is a genuine journal article. Be advised.
I wrote this a week or three ago. I guess this is a reasonable description of where I've been living for the past undefined expanse of time--not in a dramatic or you-should-be-concerned kind of way, more like my subconscious mindset...a pillar of thought upon which many other things rest.
In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.
And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.
In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.
And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
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