A gift.

This past Sunday, God gave me this word:


Mercy

This is a genuine journal article. Be advised.

I wrote this a week or three ago. I guess this is a reasonable description of where I've been living for the past undefined expanse of time--not in a dramatic or you-should-be-concerned kind of way, more like my subconscious mindset...a pillar of thought upon which many other things rest.


In my head, I think I'm a better musician than many or most people making music today, locally or nationally even. So, I don't even make any music...just in case it turns out I'm not nearly as good as I thought. Comparison to other people is my undoing. What if, as I suspect, I'm not as good or talented or smart as I tell myself that I am? What will happen or become of me if instead of being an 8 or 9, I'm really just a 4 or 5...or even a 3. I'm so fucking scared. Of everything.

And I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that you can fuck off if you don't like it. But what I mean to say, what I don't trust you enough to say, is...please be gentle. Please don't hurt me. Please don't give me advice. Please just love me. Please believe I am worthwhile.

This will be worth your while.

Stuff On My Cat.

Swear your brains out.

So. Here we are. And it seems like it's time for another one of those honest discussions. This time the topic is swearing and its appropriateness, for all people in general, but for those claiming to be Christians in particular.

The rules are the same as always: feel free to post whatever you wish as long as you are being respectful, honest, and tasteful, and also feel free to post anonymously. "Tasteful" is here defined as "don't be rude or crass for the sake of being rude or crass."

Here's what I'd like to start with: pussy, dick, cunt, etc. I think we can all agree that the "magic" (or lack thereof) in any swear word lies in the semantics: i.e., words only mean what we say/think/feel they mean. That being the case, why is there a gradient of vulgarity in those three words? Personally, I'm very offended by the use of any of the three in any context. They are equally offensive because they have the same meaning.

Here's topic two, when you've sounded off on the first (which is very important, I think). I'm interested in hearing about your personal guidelines/boundaries for saying swear words: in what contexts do you curse? how do you decide what is okay and what isn't? what offends you? what doesn't? who offends you? who doesn't?

The end of GCH

In all practical ways, the band (Ghostrunner Come Home) has dissolved. Seems short-lived, mostly because we only played two shows, I think. Came apart for several reasons, with "artistic differences" only a small portion. I'm a little disappointed, but I also feel free again. Time to go back to my original gameplan: keep making the music I like, and wait for people to come along who understand the vision and have the time to contribute. For me personally, I fell away from that gameplan and got in a rush to put things together when the pieces weren't quite there. It's weird, because this is one of those instances where maybe I could be bitter or maybe feel relieved. Another failed band or a fun couple months. I choose to feel relieved. And it certainly was fun to play with others, even if it was less than ideal. I'm not posting anything on the GCH site yet because I still have to talk with our bass player about it. I'm sure he's pieced it together by now, but I want to at least end this thing with dignity. Besides, the saddest part of GCH's breakup for me is that I no longer have a "natural" reason to hang out with Adam, though I really enjoy hanging out with him. Maybe there's more musical futuredom ahead.

this is not a direct response to previous comments, more like a free-write based on my current experience

It's a good idea to write to the guy's family, but it's the sort of thing I don't do. Not intentionally. I'm one of those "road to hell is paved with good intentions" people. In some sense I would very much like to write to the guy's family, for my own sake and not their, but I never do that kind of thing, no matter how good an idea I may believe it to be. Hell, I can't even write to my own family about the impact my now-months-dead cousin had on my life. The funeral aanouncement is still sitting right here on this damn desk, with "good intentions" all over it. And I have another important letter to write that is even more overdue than that one.

Why am I saying this? To refute well-doers? No. Because it's just the honest truth. It's the observable reality of my life. I don't do many of the things that "should" be done. I have excuses. I have unreachable anxieties. I have fears of the unknown. This isn't news to most human beings. I hate hate hate being wired this way. I feel that it leaves me where I find myself. Which isn't a bad place at all, it's just an ambiguous, unidentifiable, directionless place. "Take heart/courage! I have overcome the world!"

Feel free to post all your favorite swear words. I realize that it was unfair of me to end my post that way last time. Like some crazy art film or novel that robs you of the cathartic ending you've been led to expect. Besides, I think the juxtaposition of the two comment sets has the potential to be amusing, at least until I get more sleep. Off to bed.

ChEEse and RICE! GOT DANdruff, and sumovititches!

sounding bored

I have had nothing to say. I don't like writing about how my days have been going, and I don't want to write about what other things have been going on in my life because they are either still in flux or are too personal for public consumption. I still want to swear on my blog. So I think I am going to. Shit. Swear words look different to me when written, compared to when spoken. Particularly the "F" word, which I typed, but then chickened out and erased. It seems more crass to me written. I don't want to be crass, I want to be myself. But this is not the place to be so, says wisdom.

"Punk-ass bitches" is my favorite string of swear words, when forced to exclude "pinko commie bastards". I also like the way "What the flying seventh level of hell?!" rolls off the tongue.

Yesterday I found out that a man I knew and appreciated was found dead on the street of my town late Thursday night, most likely the result of a pill & alcohol overdose. His funeral was on SUnday and his remains were cremated. This makes grieving awkward for me because I didn't know him very well, and now my avenues of closure have passed by. I'll get over it, but he was one of those guys that I was really rooting for. In those moments when I could see past his addiction, he was a really great person. I am sad that his life and the lives of many many people are dominated and controlled by addiction, and I'm not just talking about the abuse of substances.

NTLP Day

Ahoy, me hearties! Here we be, between a chaos moon and the briney deep, making our fortunes how e'er we may. Load them cannons and prepare for the broadsides! All hands! A pox upon the scurvy dogs what tries to stop us tonight!

A thought on democracy

A few days ago something occured to me while I was watching an episode of the West Wing and the show was waxing patriotic about the glory and pride of democracy, American gift to the world. This happens on the show every third episode or so, and most of the time it tugs my humanitarian heart strings. This time, however, I was struck with a touch of irony. Democracy prides itself in that people get to choose their own ruler, and if we don't like the ruler we have chosen, then we can pick another one. But the idea is that we rule ourselves, sort of. For some reason the passionate speech in this recent episode made me think of the Israelites' choice to anoint Saul as their ruler and king instead of keeping God as ruler and king. They doggedly decided that they wanted a man to rule over them, so they picked the most comely among them (or Samuel did, I guess, or God did, depending on how you want to look at it).

I guess it just makes me skeptical of all the freedom we champion here in the US. Not that I want to live under a tyranical, genocidal megalomaniac. I just wonder a little if "self rule" is really something as grand...or safe... as we're programmed to desire and believe. All of humanity wants it because it's the only way we all get to rule: "you can have yours but don't touch mine" at its finest. But as history unfolds and time passes, I find mself wondering if democracy will make any practical difference in the world at all. The world keeps turning, people keep living and dying, same as we have made a habit of doing. The same, if not more, evil and cruelty happen in the world today than ever before, and I'm often torn as to whether democracy (particularly coupled with capitalism) helps or hurts more. We'll see, I guess, as the great human experiment continues, with and without us.

see you at the Pole

Sarah and I went to Cincinnati this weekend for our anniversary. It was one of the best times we've had in a long time, and was looong overdue. Anyway, we stayed at a nice-ish hotel and had a good time swimming and watching cable tv. On my way down to to the first floor to get some ice for our cooler Saturday morning, I was interrupted by one of the maidstaff who happened to notice that I was wearing a Polish soccer jersey. She made mention of this fact by speaking to me in Polish. Without a greeting in English. She, in fact, was a native Pole, working in the American hotel. It was a dream come true, except it was a nightmare...because I don't speak Polish. See, my grandparents came off the boat from Poland. The other side of my family is also almost entirely comprised of ex-Poles. In fact, I'm 7/8ths Polish, 1/8th Irish. A good mix, really, (lots of potatoes and cabbage) but irrelevant. The point is that I have hoped and planned at some point in my life to learn to speak Polish and to have a real, live conversation in Polish with a real, live Pole. And now I've blown my one opportunity. It was handed to me, in a natural setting on a silver platter and I wasn't prepared. I kicked myself all day for it. Sigh.

In other news, you should go see the Newport Aquarium near Cinci. I went through it three times in one day(it was that good), and I think I would live there, if they'd let me. I was awestruck (as usual). If someone asked me to prove to them that there is a God, I would take them to an aquarium.

ps: my apologies to commenters, but from now on you'll have to go through a safety check to post comments (to make sure you're human). Please don't let this stop you. I just figured that you were probably already getting enough ads for boner pills in your email, so you probably didn't need the ones that were showing up on my blog comments section.

Conservative Rant #2

>First, in regard to the last article, I want to clarify: I don't think anyone should use the political/economic system that way, but I do recognize that it is legal to do so in this bless'd country, and I think it's ridiculous and hypocritical for the left to get offended at the right's using these tactics. I'm not saying I think they or anyone should use them. I'm saying the left is bitter and sanctimonious. If that chafes you, then you'll enjoy the reversal in today's posting. Read on, gentle pilgrim.

>Second, read this. Sarah sent me that article more recently. Below is my response to it.

If conservative Christians are nutty, this is what makes them nutty. I think they are definitely persecuted, and that they are certainly singled out more than most other groups. (Who doesn't love to hate Christians?) But I think that at this point they have a victim complex. Over the years of seeing morality decline, they've (we've) not been able to come up with a significant strategy to reclaim those lost lives and correct a maligned perspective. (Not that anything was ever close to perfect.) In the wake of these changes, they think that society's move towards hedonism is a personal attack against them. Or maybe they feel secretly guilty for "letting" it happen--as if they were the wardens of cultural morality. (And maybe we are that, I never know, but we shouldn't feel guilty regardless.) They no longer seem to recognize the power and influence they have. Rather, they DO recognize it, but do not use it to it's full potential in appropriate ways.

By using so much energy to continuously cry foul, they miss opportunities to affect real change by being what we are supposed to be: a light on a hill, salt in a tasteless world. I mean that they're wasting breath saying things that are not full of humility or hope or peace or joy or love or self-control. Instead, they are spouting bile, resentment, envy, and aggression--all the things the world loves to mock us for, when we slip into them. They are forgetting that we are supposed to turn the other cheek when someone strikes us.

But now we're getting into a discussion of how American nationalism and Christianity have become intertwined, like a bastard child that feels he is heir to the throne. The historical American sense of rebellion and "we're not going to take this!" seems to be guiding them, and I think there's a strong sense of "civil rights for Christians too, while you're at it!" We've forgotten that when it comes down to it, we are supposed to be persecuted. That's part of our normal lot in life as Christians. We're supposed to be wary of the wolves, not try to stomp them out. "In the world you will have trouble. But take courage for I have overcome the world." Does that sound familiar?

Reader Response: Conservative Rant #1

First read this. Sarah sent it to me awhile back. What follows is my response to the "news" article in question.

I think it is remarkable how short-sighted people can be. Hello? Maybe I'm the only one that realizes that this is America, and that these "theocratic fundamentalists" are only doing what the laws of this land allow them to do. The only reason why the lefties get so pissed is because they want to turn the country in a different direction...by using the same process of laws and persuasion. The hypocrisy is astounding, and the denial regarding that hypocrisy is more so. This is one of those issues that I have opinions on, but would love to debate over because my opinions are not concrete. There are probably angles that I could consider, to make my opinion more solid.

This is considered JOURNALISM? You're supposed to consider this unbiased and truthful?! This website is a joke. I got pretty upset when he said, "..... Call it a new, 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not advertise" if the religious primitives smell sin." Religious primitives? What the flying eighth level of hell do you think YOU are? An Enlightened Sophisticate?

This is difficult for me, because I honestly think homosexuality is a mental/social disorder and that we are doing gays a disservice by trying to legitimize and rationalize dysfunction. This kind of thing is happening in a broad sense across the mental health field. In many cases it’s legitimate, but in many other cases I feel like it’s ‘bleed-through compassion’—misjudging the nature of the illness by comparing it in approach to other illnesses.

Arg. To summarize, I say: more power to the Righties. They are using capitalism and democracy to achieve their goals. I may not agree with all or many of the things they support, but they’re going about it the right way. Which, coincidentally, is the way the Lefties have made most of their ground in recent years. (With a strong dose of public opinion shaping, but that’s another essay.) I think the Lefties are just pissed that the Righties have woken up, are gaining ground, and are playing the game by the rules.

I adjourn. Thanks for this, maybe we can talk more later. I think I might print this and get feedback from others.

Fair Trade Info

If you have 5-15 minutes, check out this website. Then come back and post your thoughts. This is a topic that interests and concerns me, but one that I feel inadequately unknowledgeable about. (How's them for big words?) Maybe that "unknowledge" is what perpetuates and enables the cycle and system. That's my theory anyway. What's your take?

(ps: Thanks to my brother Noah for sending me to the site.)

Nevermind that last part.

Watch this instead.

I'm bored of blogging

I have nothing to say. I feel like I'm keeping this up just to give people to check up on, but I have nothing to check up on. What would you like to know about? I haven't mouthed off in awhile. Maybe I'm not feeling very passionate.

For some odd reason...

...all I want to do is post swear words these days. Bad ones. Not in any context but their own. And not because I'm angry. More because I'm feeling mischievous. There's a better word for it, but I can't think of it. You tell me what it is.

ps: I'm only sparing you because this isn't a real journal. I don't want to deal with all the confusion and concern it would garner, because few people realize that sometimes I'm this way just because I want to be.

Hello, every buddy!

Imagine Grover from Sesame Street said that. It's funnier.

I have been neglecting this weblog, unintentionally. I don't have much time at home these days to do this. Or maybe I'm not making time. Or maybe I don't have as many things to say. Or maybe I don't have as many provocative things to say as I thought I did. Or maybe I'm too chicken to write them.

My birthday happened recently. The 28th anniversary of the day of my birth. The people at work waited until I was out of the office, then they put up pictures of me all over the building. And they were very thorough. I should state that the pictures were actually just of my face superimposed onto Yoda's and Darth Vader's bodies. On the day before my birthday, I went with some friends to Rio Grande, a delicious authentic Mexican restaurant. Quality cheap food is my favorite. On my proper birthday, my in-laws humored me by braving the new frontier of Japanese steakhousedom in Parkersburg. A fun time was had by all. And a hearty portion of delicious food as well. Anywhere the chef sets the table on fire, twirls knives, and throws food at your face after cooking it in front of you, well, that's a place I can support, encourage, and thoroughly enjoy. Reasonable prices mean I'm definitely going back someday.

Kevin bought me a new Star Wars minis starter for my birthday, and I'll most likely be spending a hearty portion of my birthday money on more minis, purchased from my cousin's exquisite store. If they weren't so cool, I wouldn't have to buy them. (Don't even ask how many times I've actually played them. It's pathetically embarassing how much I've invested in these little plastic creatures.) (And droids.) I'm also buying a Boba Fett comic book series from him.

I would like to have a serious conversation. But I don't know what about.

Check out the band's weblog for an update on the rest of the recording process.

Sorry I haven't been around

Well, I am. I haven't much time to do this at home anymore, and I haven't the courage to post from work, or maybe I have the sensibilities to know not to.

I would like to vacate for two weeks. I would like to Take Kevin and Chris with me. We would drive and drive and not shower. And look at mountains and feel the hot sun and praise our God for His beauty and and creativity and perfection.

I like Greg Booth

And I wish we had the opportunity to become better friends. It's true.


On an unrelated note, I can feel another road trip coming up. Maybe not too soon, but I sure hope so. I want to see the Lonely Mountain one more time.

Ghostrunner songs for downloading!!

Go to the Ghostrunner Come Home weblog for directions on how to get your very own copies of Lamppost and Shady Days! Get 'em while they're hot!