To all the cat haters:

We're coming for you.
Eat hot lead, bitches.

O Staff Meeting! Speak to us from thy plentiful drone!

This is what I did during staff meeting last week. It was dragging on and on--as all staff meetings do--and I had to keep busy somehow. If you can't read it, click on it and it'll get bigger. And to think, I wondered if I'd be able to finish all the sentences all the times...

What's your worst staff meeting experience? C'mon, for the good of the people. This is a universal experience.

I pinch

Watch the video on this site. Scroll down a little to find it. This is a good commercial.

Thoughts on the Holocaust

So, how's that for a downer of a title, eh? Yuppers.

I don't really know why I am so struck by the Holocaust. Specifically, I think, because I don't really see it impacting many other people the way it seems to impact me. It's not that it affects me as much as it doesn't seem to be affecting others. An event that happened well outside of my lifespan is shaping me. And I'm not German or Jewish. I'm Polish. Which I know is part of it, because I know that my mother's side came from a part of Poland that was very close to Germany, most likely annexed back into Germany during the war--land Germany had lost during the first world war. So I am connected to Poland, which is where some of the worst ghettos and most of the concentration camps were located.

The two most powerful influences on me have been the film The Pianist and more recently the graphic novel Maus. You owe it to yourself to experience both, regardless of your thoughts or feelings or impressions of the Holocaust or the war. They are incredible, sadly beautiful works of passionate realism and history, telling the real stories of four real people. The Pianist is less about the Holocaust and more about what life was like for Jews in Warsaw, Poland during the war. Maus is the story of an artist born after the war talking with his father, a Jew who survived Auschwitz. They bring pictures to life. They tell me that real people did these things and real people experienced them. I'm reminded that such evil has happened many times before this, and will certainly happen (is already happening?) again. I'm reminded of the potential for evil in the heart of all humanity. The power of fear. Our desperate need for love, forgiveness, and grace on an individual, personal level and on a social, cultural level. Thank you, Yeshua, Jesus, savior and deliverer. Help us not to do this to each other.

Where are my friends?

Where are the people that will help me to see who I am and who I am not? Where are the people with the courage to say these things, with the depth of friendship to survive them? Where are the voices telling me which way to go? Where are the teachers and mentors, encouraging, directing, and expanding my knowledge, skills, and understanding?

Do I chase them off? Am I too hard? Too overbearing? Too socially awkward? Not worthwhile enough? Uninteresting? Self-possessed? Elusive? Resistant?

How can I be responsible for my own change when so many forces have shaped me into who I currently am?

How many of these questions are fair?

cha cha cha

I am excited about the game development business. I have loads to do in prep for that happening, and I am slow to do it. I need to learn about business, but I am not a strong reader (it bores me to tears) of educational materials. I wasted hundreds of dollars on text books I never read. Never even opened 'em. Anyway, that seems to be the primary way to self-teach finance and business implementation. A shame, because it means I now have work to do. In fact, I even have an awesome text book about game design, and I'm having a hard time reading it. Or the bible? It's not a part of my habitual life.

How else have I been? I never seem to know how to phrase these answers. I am doing well. I am almost always doing well. But at the same time never doing well. It's in my nature to not be satisfied unless I'm high on endorphins. I like my life. I like to think about serious things. I want my life to have meaning. I guess these are the things most people want, but I feel them very keenly. These days are slipping us by, as you already know, and I want them to mean something. We only get so many days here on earth. I like that thought, but I also don't want to squander it. Life is too enjoyable/experiential/rich/beautiful for that. What is my story going to be, you know? I want it to be simple but inspiring. It doesn't have to be grand (anymore), but I would like it to be full of goodness. Mainly, I don't want to putter through my days anymore. But, it is what comes naturally to me--I am not gifted in broad planning, I am gifted in focusing intently. I feel sometimes (for as much as I do not wish this to be true) that I am a fine tool. I am capable of great works, but I need someone to pick me up and put me to use. To give me direction. I say that I don't want that to be true because I also have some leadership skills--not so much in task management as in people management. I'm interested now in developing these aspects of myself. Which is ironic, given what I just said about needing to be put to use.

Heat index of 105 degrees

I ate outside today for lunch.

My Oreos melted.

They melted.

I did not think that was even possible.

Still, the sunshine was enjoyable.

Games games games

My freetime has been consumed with Squid Games lately, so it seems. Well, more my thoughts than my time. I am very much beginning to see this as a viable outlet for creativity as well as a viable business option. (My definition of "viable business option" is that Squid Games will make a profit, even if it's only one dollar.) In short, this thing is doable. It will certainly take time, because time is money, and I don't have any money, so it will take time for the time to turn into money. For business plans and organization and lawyer's fees and company registration fees and start-up expenses. But all this is doable.

Coincidentally, I'm considering sticking a PayPal donation button on the Squid Games blog. Whether you'd give or not, do you think this is a good idea? Do you think I would actually fetch some donations this way? Is it too needy for a "business"?

Also, you should go to the Squid Games blog again if you haven't reently. I update it weekly, and there are good things on there. Might even get you interested in strategy games. Just might. Also, once you go there, tell me what you think or post a comment. We haven't received any comments at Squid Games yet.

In other game news, I finished the painting of the War of the Ring miniatures. Did you hear me? I finished them. They are finished. Five months later. They have been completed. I painted all of them. All 180 or whatever of them. If you don't understand, I will show you. I am going on vacation this week and next. Upon my return, I will photograph the miniatures. Then I will display those photographs here. You will witness the spectacle that has taken over 60 hours of squinting and cramped hands. They look incredible. You will see. You will see. You will not understand.

No News is Good News

Nothing happening, yet I feel the need to post.

I am almost finished with a gigantic project. A few more hours, and it will be completed. I will post pictures when it is finished. Painting miniatures. Over 150 of them.

The Squid Studios site has been updated a few times since its original announcement. Check it out over there to the right. Haven't had much time to work on the games lately because I want to finish these other large projects to free up my schedule and attention, and I think that should be happening in another week or two. For some reason, I've been avoiding the GCH recordings. They need about 10 more hours of work, and I'm putting them off. I always do that with my music related projects. It makes me feel crappy, because I wish I would just do the work. "I can' do the wuuk!" It shouldn't require so much bucking up. Yet it does.

I've been thinking about that lately. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be that bizarre twist in my work ethic. The thing that pauses all my best projects at 80%. Anything that is an expression of myself. I take it too personally? I am afraid of rejection. To separate myself from my work, let it stand alone. That is what I desire. But then I can't take credit for it. Then I shouldn't take credit for it. I should be content to be adequate, without feeling a need to justify. I will make improvements in this area.

I feel that the collapse of American culture is inevitable, largely because of the severe breakdown in family relations and the societal expectations (or lack thereof) of/on parents and youth. Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 50. The giant is sliding, and we won't stop. Your answer? What say ye to this?

These are my dogs

Aren't they great? This is Kessel's first time in a helmet, and she seems very pleased with herself. Mulder is always very serious when wearing a helmet.

Squid Studios Game Design

I'd like to invite and welcome you to check out my new and big project: Squid Studios Games.

I hope to take it as far as my talent (and the talent of a few talented friends) will take it. Squid Games isn't incorporated or anything (yet), but I am still excited about the potential of creating fun games and (way into the theoretical future) getting paid money for it. Actually, I'm just excited about making games period, even if my friends and I are the only ones to ever play them!

I am currently Project Designer for Squid Studios, but I have some smart and creative guys helping me out tremendously. Kevin Jacobson, Brad Metzler, and Ben Lachman are all on my informal development team, and I think Aaron Schlagbaum will end up helping with the visual design.

There's a little envelope icon at the bottom of the Squid Games site. You can use it (and please do) to point anyone at all that might be interested in what we're doing towards, well, towards what we're doing. The more momentumand support behind this, the more likely we'll finish the games and either sell them to a publisher or try to publish them ourselves. Both would be new and huge undertakings for me.

Games!

I want to know the funnest game(s) you've ever played. List as many non-video games as you can, if you're one of those types who mainly only play video games. "Games" is here defined as an organized system of fun. Objectives of some variety in the game are preferable but not required. See my Gameplay Resume (or Avant Game's) for examples of different games.

ps: "funnest" is, in fact, grammatically correct, if not culturally preferred. Besides, it's my blog and I do what I please here.

My problems with blogging

I stopped maintaining this blog awhile back, and now I've started again. I stopped for reasons, and I've started for reasons, but neither decision was concrete or formal. I've been thinking lately about why blogging is hard for me to do, why it's always an issue, why I only seem to post things that are light and fluffy or hard and serious. Or swear words.

There is a tension between me and blogging. I usually feel it and it usually bothers me, but only recently have I given much thought as to what or why. Like so many thing we do in our lives, it wasn't really a conscious thing before this restart. So, here we go. Let's try to organize these thoughts now, shall we? I wonder what we'll get.

One thing should be stated first. I am not much of a halfway person. I am either in or out, hot or cold, loving it or hating it. Whatever it is. I try very hard to be wise and balaced in this. Oddly, this is something I'm only now starting to recognize (although I can now see that many of you have known this for awhile--thanks for telling me, jerkfaces). This is so close to the center of me, I think I had a hard time seeing it. I don't know what makes me this way, and it isn't something that I have a great deal of control over, but I now see that I've been this way for a good long while. I see it as a strength, as it gives me a focused, if sometimes searing, critical eye. And, let's all say it together, strengths can be counted as firm weaknesses in many circumstances.

This plays out in a few ways. One, I say things very strongly and definitively, even though it's not nearly as solid in my own heart and mind. It's just the way I talk, even to myself. Regardless of how firmly I say, feel, or think something, my opinions do, in fact, change significantly upon receiving new or better information. I don't project that sensitivity in my speech. Two, I have a tendecy towards making judgements and proclamations. Good, bad, ugly--I have to claim them all. Three, I'm either satisfied with myself, or I'm not. I either like blogs and blogging, or I don't.

On the petty side, I get frustrated with blogging because I don't know who my audience is or how many people are regular readers. Sometimes I'm my own audience (today), but usually I'm writing for you/us. This is a public forum, after all.

I am disappointed in the medium of blogging as a means toward intimacy and friendship for two reasons. First, contact through blogging isn't nearly as personal, real, or authentic as being in person. As with all digital media, there's too much context removed. That probably goes without saying. In this sense, I find people using a blog as a replacement for real contact, myself included. It could be said that blogging makes certain conversatons/polls more efficient, and it could be said that it's easier for us to say things in writing on the internet. But why can't we just hang out and say important things to each other? Oh yeah, because no one has time anymore. And besides, blogging is easier because you can't call me out on anything mid-sentence, and then you have to leave a public post to boot.

Second, but related, is something more difficult to describe, but also more troubling to me: confused emotional and personal boundaries. I see this on other blogs and do this myself, but can't define it well. In short I guess it's the "hey, look at me" factor: attention grabbing. Not everyone does this, but most of us do. Seeking validation by sounding pitifull, jaded, or melancholy; one-upping with humor or intellect; boasting about exploits or name-dropping; private emotional responses gone public (like this one, I guess). Whatever gets you to realize that my blog, and therefore I myself, am cooler than most of the other blogs (people) out there. ...Or at least cool enough to warrant your continued attention and affection. Maybe I say that because I don't feel as worthy of attention as other people/blogs. I want that validation so much (though I feel like I shouldn't) so I see it all over the place--people busy being better and more attractive than I am. Or just better at drawing positive attention toward themselves. You pick.

But this isn't news: it's what people do. Hardly anyone, if anyone, would admit that they are grabbing for the attention of others, but most of us are subconsciously looking for that validation all the time. That's why I call it "confused" emotional boundaries: it seems more unnatural to me when it's online, maybe because we don't have the option of politely and casually ignoring it the way we can in normal conversation, or of steering it towards something healthier. After all, I'm commiting my attention to the attention-grabbing behavior just by reading the blog entry, right? That's not as easy to let slide. And along these same lines, since most people don't leave any sort of feedback, the conversation is even further removed from "normal." I can post anything I want without great concern for the looks, cues, or comments I might otherwise expect in person.

I am a people pleaser comparing myself to others. This is for myself mainly, because I don't like that I do these things and with such difficulty.

So, why write all this? Because I don't want to care anymore. Because if this is the media we're using, than this is where these thoughts belong. Because I started this, and want to finish it. Because you've participated in this with me so far, and I would like to keep you abreast of where I am in it. Because maybe I'm not the only one dealing with these thoughts. Because maybe you should be dealing with them too.

Because people don't say things like these to each other often enough: the true things that we are thinking and feeling. Maybe this is homework for me: being more transparent.

My Gameplay Resume

This post is inspired by Avant Game's own Gameplay Resume. You should write and post your own as well!

Childhood: 1977-1989: Emerging imagination
--Being smaller than my peers and having two younger brothers reinforces my interest in imaginative rather than athletic games
--Pong, against myself on a B/W television stored in a bedroom closet
--Games revolve around fantasy settings, identities, and the construction of bases, vehicles, weapons, and/or tools out of blankets, tents, Construx, Legos, and any common household items
Lessons learned: Anything can become a game anywhere with anyone. You can't be too old to play. Also, younger brothers can be swayed to play games the way you want to play them.

Early Teen Years: 1990-1992: Introductions
--Thumb blisters after all-night NES at friends': Contra, Mega Man, Double Dragon, Ninja Gaiden, TMNT, TMNT2
--Strategy Board Games: youth pastor Dan S teaches then crushes me in RISK and a Civil War battle sim with little cardboard chit pieces.
Lessons learned: sleeping is unnecessary. Losing can be fun if the environment is right. Gameplay is often a powerful reinforcer.

Late Teen Years: 1993-1995: RPGs
--Video: Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Chrono Trigger, Shadowrun
--Pen & Paper: player or Game Master for Star Wars RPG campaigns
Lessons learned: imagination and creativity are to be prized. Teamwork is often best. Fantasy settings provide a more comfortable place for people to explore and practice social skills, both in the fantasy world and in the gaming circle.

College: 1995-2000: Social Gaming
--Large group games: Mafia, Assassins (aka Werewolf), Bigger and Better (aka the Paperclip Game), town-wide scavenger hunt
Lessons learned: I'm more comfortable in large groups than I thought. People (even most strangers) are nicer than perceived. The world can be a playground for adults too. Strangers will sometimes trade a working vaccuum cleaner for a votive candle.

Young Adulthood: 2000-present: Board Game Glory
--A rediscovery of table-top gaming: Formula De, Twilight Imperium, War of the Ring, Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan, Samurai, Ticket to Ride, Shadows over Camelot, Carcassonne
--Creation of my own games: Liege Lords and the tentatively titled Escape, both coming soon to a nerd store near you :)
Lessons learned: good friends can be found unexpectedly. Game design is fun, stimulating, fulfilling, and refreshing. Also, I have "shifty eyes".

the return of Mouthing Off

An alternate title for this post might be: jaded bitchfest.

So, I think I am tired of thinking about the heavy things in the world. I spent large quantities of energy writing about that stuff on this weblog, and nothing has changed. And I never expected it to. But that energy had to go somewhere. And now I am jaded about weblogging. Because it is dumb. Another excuse for people to not talk to each other in meaningful ways. If I post all my feelings and thoughts on a blog, then 1. I am spending time alone to do it 2. I assume that people will read it and develop a stronger affection for me because they now know my thoughts and feelings on important matters or life circumstances. Which socially just doesn't and can't happen the same way it does if we're making eye contact.

I wish sometimes that American life was hard again. Meaning, I wish we were a Second World country. Wealth has made us sucky and cocky. Well, that's where I pin my own insecurities anyway. I want too many things, there are too many things to want, and people spend the money I give them to create schemes to make me want even more things I don't need. Fuck it. I'm tired of people making me want things that I don't need, distracting me to the point of my own and our culture's detriment. I want to see the things in life that are important, and I can't because there are too many other things to want. And even when I can see the issues, I am torn because I also want a motorcycle, or a PS3, or even new brakes on my car or to make an extra payment on the mortgage.

I don't want to want things anymore. I want to want the Truth. I want to work for Freedom and Redemption from evil. I capitalize those things because they are real things, important things. I reread my very first post today, and I still want those things.

And I don't want to write about it on some damned weblog. I want to talk about it in a normal way like normal people used to, in the days before idiot technology ruined things by separating us with screens and earbuds. But I can't, because there isn't a natural medium for that kind of dialogue. No one sits on their front porch anymore because we're too busy not sharing our things and minding our own business.

I wish that I was so rich that I could give away half my income and still live comfortably. Then, I could be at home in both the American and the Jesus-centered worlds. [This is not a true solution. This is a bullshit solution so I don't have to change my life. I get Jesus' approval and esteem in American culture. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but you get the idea.]

No. I wish that I could love the Lord my God with all my heart. With all my soul. With all my mind. And with all my strength. But I can't. Or I won't. Or I can't tell the difference.

For dinner tonight.

--a box of spiral mac & cheese with Texas Pete's hot sauce
--a can of Pabst (or PBR, if you prefer, which I sometimes do)
Deliciousness.

This is one of the reasons why my wife is incredible.

She took me to see the following wonders. You have no idea how huge they are in person. Oh, AND she arranged for me to obtain an autographed Boba Fett helmet--signed, of course, by the guy who played him: Jeremy Bulloch. I watched him sign it. He also gave me a great wedding gift for my friend, Jon: an autographed pic of Fett congratulating the new couple...and saying, "I'm watching you!"

More reasons why my wife is incredible.

These might be my favorites.

I don't want to work here anymore

Can anyone out there direct me toward resources to become a game designer? (games in general,/non-video game specific programs) I'm going to learn the science of games: sociology, math, psychology, the works, the gamut, the kit-n-kaboodle.

I am wasting here.

an image

This is an eagle crest based on the Polish eagle crest. I made it myself.