put your own title here

All I think about these days in life-direction related stuff. Related to careers and the balance between making money and doing something that genuinely matters and is important.

And I haven't felt any desire whatsoever to publicly broadcast it here.

Which is odd because I do very much want to talk with you about all this stuff and to have your feedback, ("you" being the people who know and care about me and still actually read this occasionally) but this is not the venue for such things. Call or email me and we'll go out for tea.

Tea is delicious.

If I'm not thinking about life-related stuff or tea (I will brew another cup after finishing here), I am thinking about or playing Eve Online. I wish I had more friends interested in playing Eve Online.

I am working on a song for Bananarchy that is called "Banana Republicans." But it was nowhere near ready for the show this past Thursday. Also, my apologies to anyone who took my display of the double deuce personally. That was a special moment to be shared with the video camera, but I don't think it made it onto the tape. We'll be reviewing the footage this very evening.

O where, O where has the Patrick gone?

I don't know. That's the answer. This post is really just to keep you hanging on. I don't think it's working.

For good times, visit Sarah's blog. She updates more regularly. Or read the Order of the Stick, as linked to the right. It's a funny web comic.

I plan to sometime soon update this thing with something of meaning. I don't know what that means.

The other commercial

This is the commercial with the exploding paint I was talking about. It's nifty, and better if you check out some of the behind the scenes they offer on the site. The paint commercial uses CG to remove bomb housings and cranes and the like. The ball commercial that I recommended in the last post does not, however, use CG.

That's one of the things I liked so much about it. And the song is good too. I recommend checking out some of the behind the scenes from the ball ad. Looks like it would have been a fun shoot. Cheers.

Something beautiful

You should go here and watch this. My advice is to watch the longer version of the high res option. Sometimes, even in the midst of marketing and merchandising, beautiful things happen. There's something about this that really strikes me. The simplicity and non-aggressiveness of it, I think. I'd like to make this sort of art. Regardless, it obviously has me spinning sentimental, so do us both a favor and watch it. There's another commercial that is equally cool involving exploding paint, but more overtly happy. Maybe I'll put that up later. Or you can find it yourself. Cheers.

Reluctant blogging

There really are only a few things I've been thinking about recently, which is why I haven't been posting much here.

The biggest thing on my plate is the whole how-do-I-make-more-money issue. (This is sometimes exchanged for complaining about my current job.) In this sense, I think Athens is a detriment to my thinking because the occupational experiences afforded here are severely limited. My tendency is to think that because Athens doesn't have anything better to offer, neither does the rest of the country. Nothing happens here, so why would it happen anywhere else? Without a reason to move somewhere else, I sit here. Maybe it all boils down to a fear of taking the chance that would be required of me. Don't fret over me, I'm working up to it. Whatever it is. Feel free to offer advice in any form on this topic.

I have been playing Eve Online and loving it. It's a massively multiplayer online game set in space, and you can do a great many things in the universe. You fly around in ships with other people or alone. If anyone is interested in more info, let me know. I can send you a free 14-day trial. The learning curve can feel steep, but I'll be there to walk you through the process. :)

There are other, smaller things. My creativity is hovering beneath the surface again. I want to sculpt minis, work on the Squid Games games, and make music. But I haven't actually done any of those things yet. It requires too much work and I don't feel secure enough in my finances and free time to do them. (You might commonly refer to these as: excuses.)

Something for us all to enjoy

This man is a genius.

A mild exercise in self-discovery

So, a good and wise friend tells me this:

Maybe this is less about the work you do and more about you. My fear is that you would get a job as a physical therapist and say, "Wow, this is horrible" or a computer guy and say, "Wow, what meaning is this? I'm just typing in code all day." I say this with all respect... and I can offer no direct guidance from God about your call in life. Just make sure before you leave your current work you are not in a "where ever I go, there I am" mode.

I hear both of these responses, and actually this kind of thinking is what has been paralyzing me from taking any action at all. I am starting to recognize that I don't really think there's a way around it: where ever I go, there I am. I am me. And that's pretty good, but it's not the greatest, particularly when it comes to getting things done in my life. I would like to be different, but (barring help from God) I can't change these things permanently. Only short term.

But this isn't bad! I know this about myself: I am very good at living "in the moment." I am able to stay calm and collected in very stressful situations. I am reasonably wise, empathic, and compassionate. I like to (read: am compulsed to) help people find freedom from evil and sin. It's what I naturally desire to do no matter what context I'm in. So in this sense, "where ever I go" doesn't matter as much. That's my reasonable hope, anyway. In these current moments of indecision I want to focus on the "where I am" part of it.

For as much as I don't want this to be true (mainly for ideological reasons), I want to make good money and to be appreciated. I feel like in some way I shouldn't need those things, but I also don't want to have a joke of a job. I want my friends and coworkers to be rescued from this joke of a job. I want to liberate us from our inept, politically-but-not-professionally minded boss(es). And I don't want to run down my boss in the process, which is a delicious paradox. So, I want out. If I'm a PT or a programmer, I'll have a great 9-5ish job that will pay great, have job security, and have the freedom to help people both at work and in my spare time.

Why the conundrum? I don't really know. I think because I want to excel in whatever job I do, and I'm not convinced that I could do that as a programmer, and I'm not sure I have the right kind of smarts to get through PT school. (I've never had healthy study habits or academic discipline.) These are moot points--I have the confidence that I could learn either. Programming is more creative (potentially), but PT has more of a "people" aspect to it. These are both strong parts of my personality/gifting, in my humble opinion. ;) So my indecision lies here: What if I find myself getting tired of people not accepting or wanting change as a PT (which happened while I was working at Good Works) or I get stuck working on too many programming projects that aren't creative enough to be stimulating? There is a strong measure of maturity that I am expecting, planning, and looking forward to learning in this next phase of life. For those of you that know me well, what advice do you have for me, given all the stuff in this post?

"Where ever I go, there I am."

So now that I'm here I have nothing to say

Great. I was going to make a grand reappearance. So much for that idea.

Things in my life have stalled. I need to find a way to get them started again.

I need a new job. This one is uninspiring and poor paying. I also need to find a direction in life--something for my life to be about, other than the classic American Dream. If I was convinced of how I should be spending my days, I suspect I wouldn't worry about how much money I made doing it. My two current options are computer programming or physical therapy.

To all the cat haters:

We're coming for you.
Eat hot lead, bitches.

O Staff Meeting! Speak to us from thy plentiful drone!

This is what I did during staff meeting last week. It was dragging on and on--as all staff meetings do--and I had to keep busy somehow. If you can't read it, click on it and it'll get bigger. And to think, I wondered if I'd be able to finish all the sentences all the times...

What's your worst staff meeting experience? C'mon, for the good of the people. This is a universal experience.

I pinch

Watch the video on this site. Scroll down a little to find it. This is a good commercial.

Thoughts on the Holocaust

So, how's that for a downer of a title, eh? Yuppers.

I don't really know why I am so struck by the Holocaust. Specifically, I think, because I don't really see it impacting many other people the way it seems to impact me. It's not that it affects me as much as it doesn't seem to be affecting others. An event that happened well outside of my lifespan is shaping me. And I'm not German or Jewish. I'm Polish. Which I know is part of it, because I know that my mother's side came from a part of Poland that was very close to Germany, most likely annexed back into Germany during the war--land Germany had lost during the first world war. So I am connected to Poland, which is where some of the worst ghettos and most of the concentration camps were located.

The two most powerful influences on me have been the film The Pianist and more recently the graphic novel Maus. You owe it to yourself to experience both, regardless of your thoughts or feelings or impressions of the Holocaust or the war. They are incredible, sadly beautiful works of passionate realism and history, telling the real stories of four real people. The Pianist is less about the Holocaust and more about what life was like for Jews in Warsaw, Poland during the war. Maus is the story of an artist born after the war talking with his father, a Jew who survived Auschwitz. They bring pictures to life. They tell me that real people did these things and real people experienced them. I'm reminded that such evil has happened many times before this, and will certainly happen (is already happening?) again. I'm reminded of the potential for evil in the heart of all humanity. The power of fear. Our desperate need for love, forgiveness, and grace on an individual, personal level and on a social, cultural level. Thank you, Yeshua, Jesus, savior and deliverer. Help us not to do this to each other.

Where are my friends?

Where are the people that will help me to see who I am and who I am not? Where are the people with the courage to say these things, with the depth of friendship to survive them? Where are the voices telling me which way to go? Where are the teachers and mentors, encouraging, directing, and expanding my knowledge, skills, and understanding?

Do I chase them off? Am I too hard? Too overbearing? Too socially awkward? Not worthwhile enough? Uninteresting? Self-possessed? Elusive? Resistant?

How can I be responsible for my own change when so many forces have shaped me into who I currently am?

How many of these questions are fair?

cha cha cha

I am excited about the game development business. I have loads to do in prep for that happening, and I am slow to do it. I need to learn about business, but I am not a strong reader (it bores me to tears) of educational materials. I wasted hundreds of dollars on text books I never read. Never even opened 'em. Anyway, that seems to be the primary way to self-teach finance and business implementation. A shame, because it means I now have work to do. In fact, I even have an awesome text book about game design, and I'm having a hard time reading it. Or the bible? It's not a part of my habitual life.

How else have I been? I never seem to know how to phrase these answers. I am doing well. I am almost always doing well. But at the same time never doing well. It's in my nature to not be satisfied unless I'm high on endorphins. I like my life. I like to think about serious things. I want my life to have meaning. I guess these are the things most people want, but I feel them very keenly. These days are slipping us by, as you already know, and I want them to mean something. We only get so many days here on earth. I like that thought, but I also don't want to squander it. Life is too enjoyable/experiential/rich/beautiful for that. What is my story going to be, you know? I want it to be simple but inspiring. It doesn't have to be grand (anymore), but I would like it to be full of goodness. Mainly, I don't want to putter through my days anymore. But, it is what comes naturally to me--I am not gifted in broad planning, I am gifted in focusing intently. I feel sometimes (for as much as I do not wish this to be true) that I am a fine tool. I am capable of great works, but I need someone to pick me up and put me to use. To give me direction. I say that I don't want that to be true because I also have some leadership skills--not so much in task management as in people management. I'm interested now in developing these aspects of myself. Which is ironic, given what I just said about needing to be put to use.

Heat index of 105 degrees

I ate outside today for lunch.

My Oreos melted.

They melted.

I did not think that was even possible.

Still, the sunshine was enjoyable.

Games games games

My freetime has been consumed with Squid Games lately, so it seems. Well, more my thoughts than my time. I am very much beginning to see this as a viable outlet for creativity as well as a viable business option. (My definition of "viable business option" is that Squid Games will make a profit, even if it's only one dollar.) In short, this thing is doable. It will certainly take time, because time is money, and I don't have any money, so it will take time for the time to turn into money. For business plans and organization and lawyer's fees and company registration fees and start-up expenses. But all this is doable.

Coincidentally, I'm considering sticking a PayPal donation button on the Squid Games blog. Whether you'd give or not, do you think this is a good idea? Do you think I would actually fetch some donations this way? Is it too needy for a "business"?

Also, you should go to the Squid Games blog again if you haven't reently. I update it weekly, and there are good things on there. Might even get you interested in strategy games. Just might. Also, once you go there, tell me what you think or post a comment. We haven't received any comments at Squid Games yet.

In other game news, I finished the painting of the War of the Ring miniatures. Did you hear me? I finished them. They are finished. Five months later. They have been completed. I painted all of them. All 180 or whatever of them. If you don't understand, I will show you. I am going on vacation this week and next. Upon my return, I will photograph the miniatures. Then I will display those photographs here. You will witness the spectacle that has taken over 60 hours of squinting and cramped hands. They look incredible. You will see. You will see. You will not understand.

No News is Good News

Nothing happening, yet I feel the need to post.

I am almost finished with a gigantic project. A few more hours, and it will be completed. I will post pictures when it is finished. Painting miniatures. Over 150 of them.

The Squid Studios site has been updated a few times since its original announcement. Check it out over there to the right. Haven't had much time to work on the games lately because I want to finish these other large projects to free up my schedule and attention, and I think that should be happening in another week or two. For some reason, I've been avoiding the GCH recordings. They need about 10 more hours of work, and I'm putting them off. I always do that with my music related projects. It makes me feel crappy, because I wish I would just do the work. "I can' do the wuuk!" It shouldn't require so much bucking up. Yet it does.

I've been thinking about that lately. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be that bizarre twist in my work ethic. The thing that pauses all my best projects at 80%. Anything that is an expression of myself. I take it too personally? I am afraid of rejection. To separate myself from my work, let it stand alone. That is what I desire. But then I can't take credit for it. Then I shouldn't take credit for it. I should be content to be adequate, without feeling a need to justify. I will make improvements in this area.

I feel that the collapse of American culture is inevitable, largely because of the severe breakdown in family relations and the societal expectations (or lack thereof) of/on parents and youth. Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 50. The giant is sliding, and we won't stop. Your answer? What say ye to this?

These are my dogs

Aren't they great? This is Kessel's first time in a helmet, and she seems very pleased with herself. Mulder is always very serious when wearing a helmet.

Squid Studios Game Design

I'd like to invite and welcome you to check out my new and big project: Squid Studios Games.

I hope to take it as far as my talent (and the talent of a few talented friends) will take it. Squid Games isn't incorporated or anything (yet), but I am still excited about the potential of creating fun games and (way into the theoretical future) getting paid money for it. Actually, I'm just excited about making games period, even if my friends and I are the only ones to ever play them!

I am currently Project Designer for Squid Studios, but I have some smart and creative guys helping me out tremendously. Kevin Jacobson, Brad Metzler, and Ben Lachman are all on my informal development team, and I think Aaron Schlagbaum will end up helping with the visual design.

There's a little envelope icon at the bottom of the Squid Games site. You can use it (and please do) to point anyone at all that might be interested in what we're doing towards, well, towards what we're doing. The more momentumand support behind this, the more likely we'll finish the games and either sell them to a publisher or try to publish them ourselves. Both would be new and huge undertakings for me.

Games!

I want to know the funnest game(s) you've ever played. List as many non-video games as you can, if you're one of those types who mainly only play video games. "Games" is here defined as an organized system of fun. Objectives of some variety in the game are preferable but not required. See my Gameplay Resume (or Avant Game's) for examples of different games.

ps: "funnest" is, in fact, grammatically correct, if not culturally preferred. Besides, it's my blog and I do what I please here.