Uncertainty is the spice of life

It doesn't take long for me to feel apprehensive and uncertain about this blog. It's why I took so long to start writing again, and now it's affecting my posts through self-censorship and second guessing. It's sort of the nature of being me: have a good idea, be unsure how to communicate that idea in a palatable way, sit on the idea until it looks for a weak point of escape, have the idea verbally explode during an unexpected moment...often leading to social awkwardness. This experience then influences the next idea in line by pushing it further down for fear of another outburst. Rinse, repeat.

I am tempted to take these entries and apologize for who I am because I am aware that I can be frustrating, contrary, and bulky. I'm aware of it, sure, but that only helps me deal with it to a certain degree. I suspect it drives people away, limits my personal influence, and sours the development of friendships. But I wonder how many of these apologies would be little more than subtle grabs for self-pitying attention, born of misguided attempts to counteract feelings of rejection.

I want to write about personal relationships that are failing or frustrate me. But they are--or were--personal relationships, and shouldn't be made public, even if written in attempted anonymity.

I want to write about a mix of Christianity, human tendencies, the evil and goodness that battles inside all people, materialism, and American culture. I want to write corrective rebukes of the church based on what I've learned in my life as a believer in Jesus, as a life long church member, as a student of human psychology and society, as a student of the Bible. But what authority do I have to say anything? I don't have the MDiv or the popular following necessary to be considered tenable. Though I'd argue that these ideas are native to God; voiced and lived through Jesus; and historically, psychologically, and socially rationalized and downplayed by humanity.

And what right do I have to say anything anyway? I live like most everyone else does. There isn't much in my life that is exemplary--I'm no model for the way of life that I get excited about in the gospel. I can be self-righteous, stingy, and bull-headed with the best of 'em.

So how the hell do I get these ideas out of my head and into my life, and into the lives of others who claim to live and love the same things that I do? That's what we'll all discover (because I'm not alone here, am I?) in due time, I guess.